Dear TE friends,
Just want an opinion. Well, not really an opinion, because I already decided what to do, but maybe just venting. About a month ago, my niece (daughter of my DH's brother) who is 15 was diagnosed with leukemia. She's 15, it's not childhood type of disease. She's doing well with some targeted drug tx, and will be having a bone marrow transplant in February. Her sister is a perfect match. My issue is my BIL and his inability to focus on what others are feeling. A little background:BIL is ten years younger than DH, youngest in family. Born on the same birthday as DH. Two sisters in between them, neither have kids. BIL was moved around a lot, told he was "a mistake," and generally got no attention. He's a liar, or let's just say embellishes everything. Compulsive spender and work-a-holic. Was in the army, met and impulsively married someone with a substance and mental health issue, had a kid and then had to "rescue" the boy from his mom after they divorced. The son did not turn out well, as despite years of therapy, BIL married someone barely older than my own son (5-6 years) who teated the son like Cinderella. The sick niece is the "princess" of the family and her sister, who is going to be the donor is ignored and quite overweight. They have tried to get her to lose weight by paying her! We have no relationship with these kids, but have visited and observed this over the years, as have my own children. So BIL called us at 1:30 in the morning to tell us the news and since then, it's been "woe is me, this is the worst thing that's happened to me, my life has changed, guess I have to see work differently, etc." But, it's not being said as an "epiphany," more like I can't control this, poor me. He does not mention anything about how his wife feels, or even how the daughter feels, except to say that she stated "now I understand why it was mean to make fun of the kid with a diabetes pump." We have asked constantly about how everyone is doing, with DH gently suggesting that he has to "man up," that he's the dad and he has to be attuned to both the medical needs AND the psychological needs of all. It's fallen on deaf ears. Instead, he started a chat group for people with the disease, which of course HE gets lots of kudos for, from others.
Today, we got a request for money to defray expenses for the transplant, for "what insurance doesn't cover." It's on some web site for "giving" for such things. I find this extremely crass, but I *guess* it's acceptable practice? Is this my flinty New Englander coming out? DH and I decided to give a little more than we would for a Bar Mitzvah, etc., but we both are worried that the money will be spent on a new car. We are the only ones in the family that will give, for sure.
As I said, just venting, but I find the whole thing very disturbing.