Badger, is there anything that you would like to have from your mother that she can give easily to you at times?

I know, because my mother is quite difficult with an explosive temper and our relationship with mother is compounded with considerable difficulty because she doesn't speak/know much English and we have lost 80% of our Chinese language fluency. So she is genuinely isolated from her own children..by language. Her own negativity will most likely be amplified whenever my father dies (he has cancer now), her only translator/mediator with her own children.

She does tend to be negative but that has now been tempered a touch by the death of one of my sisters.

It has been a long long journey to appreciate mother. Some of my sisters who are now mothers themselves, do draw upon her experience when they need it: on parenting --the practical stuff, not the style of childrearing.

The best type of interactions between mother and us (her children) when for our family when we have some huge linguistic gaps, are some of the things that she makes for us, that confirms things she enjoys doing for us while also "helping" out her children....certain food dishes we ourselves haven't bothered to learn (we know and prepare other family "heirloom" dishes), making baby food from scratch for grandchildren and sewing clothing.

If we didn't have this to want/appreciate from mother, then it would be harder for us to express that appreciation of her role as a parent to us.

I don't live in the same city as my parents anymore and distance does help but then whenever I visit, it can cause unrealistically high expectations for a wonderful visit jammed in a few hours to make up for not seeing one another for 1-2 yrs.

Maybe it's just better to focus on whatever you and your mother enjoy doing best together or can do with the least amount of tension. Or provide her an opportunity to share her "expertise" in an area where you want to learn more /need her help.