how to deal with a gossip

[badger]

I know there was a thread about this before, but I need to vent.

I have a neighbour how is a poop disturber. He's in his mid-forties and is a father of 2 small children. Him and his wife run a home-based business - correction, his wife runs a home-based business while he is the primary caretaker for their kids.

Subsequently he's around the building a lot, and he's also a horrible gossip. He talk to people, gets dirt on someone and passes them on, and vice versa. He has been the root of many unfounded rumours, or he will have managed to twist the truth to suit his needs to make others look bad.

Anyways, I have a special arrangement where I store my bike in a garden closet because our bike locker is in the bowels of our parkade and difficult to access on a daily basis. That with the absence of any place to lock the bike, I have always chosen to bring my bike into my suite. After this said gossip reported me to the building manager that I am infringing on the bylaw by bringing my bike into my suite, I was kindly given the use of the garden closet by the building caretaker.

I've been parking my bike there for a little over a year now, and the gossip was asking around about my special arrangement.

Knowing him, I know he will be spreading this information to all other idle gossips in the building to disturb the poop while he sits back and watches the outcome.

I sent him a very strongly worded email yesterday telling him to choose his battles wisely because I know his petty tactics. I realize I was a bit off the cuff but I do not regret sending that to him because I called him out on it. Of course I get a rebuttal back saying I don't have my facts straight and to cool it with the attitude.

I guess in the end I just wanted to vent. But is there another way to deal with people like him who takes pleasure in disturbing the poop? I do wish he could get a proper job so he's not around the building so much.

[shootingstar]

would the building supervisor/condo board know about this?

Just make sure you have informed another party and somehow this is documented somewhere.

Just in case, something blows up bigger with his distorted truths.

[salsabike]

Smile at him all the time and give him nothing to work with. It drives people like that nuts when you do that, and it's the only thing that halfway works.

[PamNY]

Smile at him all the time and give him nothing to work with. It drives people like that nuts when you do that, and it's the only thing that halfway works.

I agree completely!

However, if you want to intimidate him, you might ask him to discuss the issue and take copious notes as you talk. The power of a small notebook and pen is remarkable in situations like this. Be super polite and thank him for sharing his opinions. At the very least, it would change the dynamic.

[Wahine]

Smile at him all the time and give him nothing to work with. It drives people like that nuts when you do that, and it's the only thing that halfway works.

Agreed. I once had a terrible rumour started about me in my work environment by a woman who not 2 weeks later was having a baby shower, which I was expected to attend. I was upset and didn't want to go to the shower, definitely didn't want to give her a gift. My husband at the time had great advice. He said, "The best revenge is living well". So I dressed to the nines, drove the fancy red convertible to the shower, gave her a huge hug and nice gift, smiling and gracious the entire time. It completely difused the situation. My co-workers saw my behaviour and for whatever reason that made them choose not to buy into the rumour. They blew her off.

So I agree. Give him nothing, smile sweetly and say polite things. It will drive him nuts.

[Melalvai]

My career coach / mentor keeps telling me to cultivate a spirit of curiosity, when I'm annoyed or troubled or angry or upset about someone's behavior. She says that the person's behavior, to them, is perfectly reasonable, rational, and right, that people (except in rare circumstances) do not intentionally do things that they believe are evil.

It is usually possible to avoid or diffuse a situation without ever understanding why the person acts that way, and probably easier (in the short term). But it is more rewarding (she claims) to learn about the person's motivations. Among other things, we come to understand that it was never about us, it was always about them. It wasn't personal.

To get to that information you have to put aside any judgments, preconceptions, and stories you have created about the person and his actions. For example the notion that gossip is bad and harmful. (Maybe it is but put that aside.) Or that he has malicious intentions.

I'm definitely not perfect at this but I'm really coming around to her way of looking at things.

[indysteel]

My career coach / mentor keeps telling me to cultivate a spirit of curiosity, when I'm annoyed or troubled or angry or upset about someone's behavior. She says that the person's behavior, to them, is perfectly reasonable, rational, and right, that people (except in rare circumstances) do not intentionally do things that they believe are evil.

It is usually possible to avoid or diffuse a situation without ever understanding why the person acts that way, and probably easier (in the short term). But it is more rewarding (she claims) to learn about the person's motivations. Among other things, we come to understand that it was never about us, it was always about them. It wasn't personal.

To get to that information you have to put aside any judgments, preconceptions, and stories you have created about the person and his actions. For example the notion that gossip is bad and harmful. (Maybe it is but put that aside.) Or that he has malicious intentions.

I'm definitely not perfect at this but I'm really coming around to her way of looking at things.

That's interesting. It would take a lot of work for me to come around to that way of thinking. IMO, along the spectrum between purely innocent behavior and evil behavior, I think there's a lot in the middle that falls under the label of "dysfunctional." I don't know that that type of behavior can be met--at least in a lot of instances--merely with open-minded non-judgmental curiosity, in part because a lot of people who engage in dysfunctional behavior (like malicious gossiping) don't even understand why they do it, appreciate the impact it has on other people or have either the ability or desire to change. In my own dealings with such behaviors, I'm often more inclined to draw whatever boundaries I need to draw to protect myself than to try to learn and understand the other person's motivations.

[Wahine]

I used to get frustrated and angry with people often. Then with a lot of self awreness and dicipline, I employed some techniques that are very much what Melalvai describes and it does help to diffuse my own negative reations. I don't engage people directly and ask them about their motivations, but I do try to remind myself that their behaviour is a result of their issues and has nothing to do with me. I also remind myself that my reaction is all about my issues and has nothing to do with them.

At the same time I agree very much with Indysteel and I tend to work with a lot of boundries as well. It's just not worth exposing yourself to someone's dysfunction much of the time.

[indysteel]

I don't engage people directly and ask them about their motivations, but I do try to remind myself that their behaviour is a result of their issues and has nothing to do with me. I also remind myself that my reaction is all about my issues and has nothing to do with them.

Yes, I suppose that's how I tend to approach it, too. I've gotten a lot better in recent years at understanding that someone's behavior doesn't necessarily have anything to with me. I've also gotten better at not assuming that someone's seemingly hurtful behavior was necessarily intentional either. I try (although it's a struggle) not to always assume the worst.

I think your last point is important as well.

All that said, I think certain people and their behaviors do sometimes need to be dealt with affirmatively. Whether Badger's gossip monger is among them; I don't know. I'm curious as to whether people really believe what this guy says or whether they just let it go in one ear and out the other. That might influence how I dealt with him.

[channlluv]

Once upon a time, a person I'm close to family-wise would gossip about people and say some really horrible things. She would call people stupid, intimate they were alcoholics, say they abused their spouses and children...really harmful things. And maybe those things were true, but I didn't need to know. It's none of my business if so-and-so drinks -- she's never been drunk in front of me or my daughter, never said a negative word about anyone in front of me. This target is someone I respect, so I ignored it.

Finally, I called this person on what she was saying. She was repeating an oft-told story about someone in front of my then-three-year-old, who was thankfully sleeping at the time. I told her that the person she was talking about was important to my daughter and that whatever he might have done in the past, he wasn't like that now, and I didn't want my daughter's opinions formed by malicious gossip.

That shut her up. And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

She hasn't gossiped *to* me since. I have little doubt that she's continued to gossip *about* me, but I just ignore it and go on with my life. Everyone knows how this person is.

This may or may not help you, Badger. I don't know how insidious this guy really is. Maybe he's just bored and watches too much of those Housewives shows where everyone gossips about each other like any of it really matters to anyone. Maybe he feels like if he's controlling the gossip about others, he's in some kind of control of his own life.

You'd think someone entrusted with the primary care of two young children would have better things to think about than where his neighbor parks her bike.

Roxy

[PamNY]

And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

Oh, good one. I have been so tempted to say this. Maybe, inspired by your fine example, I will do it.

[salsabike]

Actually, smile, be sweet, and bring him cookies!

THERE you go. He'll be totally befuddled.

[Irulan]

Once upon a time, a person I'm close to family-wise would gossip about people and say some really horrible things. She would call people stupid, intimate they were alcoholics, say they abused their spouses and children...really harmful things. And maybe those things were true, but I didn't need to know. It's none of my business if so-and-so drinks -- she's never been drunk in front of me or my daughter, never said a negative word about anyone in front of me. This target is someone I respect, so I ignored it.

Finally, I called this person on what she was saying. She was repeating an oft-told story about someone in front of my then-three-year-old, who was thankfully sleeping at the time. I told her that the person she was talking about was important to my daughter and that whatever he might have done in the past, he wasn't like that now, and I didn't want my daughter's opinions formed by malicious gossip.

That shut her up. And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

She hasn't gossiped *to* me since. I have little doubt that she's continued to gossip *about* me, but I just ignore it and go on with my life. Everyone knows how this person is.

This may or may not help you, Badger. I don't know how insidious this guy really is. Maybe he's just bored and watches too much of those Housewives shows where everyone gossips about each other like any of it really matters to anyone. Maybe he feels like if he's controlling the gossip about others, he's in some kind of control of his own life.

You'd think someone entrusted with the primary care of two young children would have better things to think about than where his neighbor parks her bike.

Roxy

This is awesome.