how to deal with a gossip

[indysteel]

I don't engage people directly and ask them about their motivations, but I do try to remind myself that their behaviour is a result of their issues and has nothing to do with me. I also remind myself that my reaction is all about my issues and has nothing to do with them.

Yes, I suppose that's how I tend to approach it, too. I've gotten a lot better in recent years at understanding that someone's behavior doesn't necessarily have anything to with me. I've also gotten better at not assuming that someone's seemingly hurtful behavior was necessarily intentional either. I try (although it's a struggle) not to always assume the worst.

I think your last point is important as well.

All that said, I think certain people and their behaviors do sometimes need to be dealt with affirmatively. Whether Badger's gossip monger is among them; I don't know. I'm curious as to whether people really believe what this guy says or whether they just let it go in one ear and out the other. That might influence how I dealt with him.

[channlluv]

Once upon a time, a person I'm close to family-wise would gossip about people and say some really horrible things. She would call people stupid, intimate they were alcoholics, say they abused their spouses and children...really harmful things. And maybe those things were true, but I didn't need to know. It's none of my business if so-and-so drinks -- she's never been drunk in front of me or my daughter, never said a negative word about anyone in front of me. This target is someone I respect, so I ignored it.

Finally, I called this person on what she was saying. She was repeating an oft-told story about someone in front of my then-three-year-old, who was thankfully sleeping at the time. I told her that the person she was talking about was important to my daughter and that whatever he might have done in the past, he wasn't like that now, and I didn't want my daughter's opinions formed by malicious gossip.

That shut her up. And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

She hasn't gossiped *to* me since. I have little doubt that she's continued to gossip *about* me, but I just ignore it and go on with my life. Everyone knows how this person is.

This may or may not help you, Badger. I don't know how insidious this guy really is. Maybe he's just bored and watches too much of those Housewives shows where everyone gossips about each other like any of it really matters to anyone. Maybe he feels like if he's controlling the gossip about others, he's in some kind of control of his own life.

You'd think someone entrusted with the primary care of two young children would have better things to think about than where his neighbor parks her bike.

Roxy

[PamNY]

And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

Oh, good one. I have been so tempted to say this. Maybe, inspired by your fine example, I will do it.

[salsabike]

Actually, smile, be sweet, and bring him cookies!

THERE you go. He'll be totally befuddled.

[Irulan]

Once upon a time, a person I'm close to family-wise would gossip about people and say some really horrible things. She would call people stupid, intimate they were alcoholics, say they abused their spouses and children...really harmful things. And maybe those things were true, but I didn't need to know. It's none of my business if so-and-so drinks -- she's never been drunk in front of me or my daughter, never said a negative word about anyone in front of me. This target is someone I respect, so I ignored it.

Finally, I called this person on what she was saying. She was repeating an oft-told story about someone in front of my then-three-year-old, who was thankfully sleeping at the time. I told her that the person she was talking about was important to my daughter and that whatever he might have done in the past, he wasn't like that now, and I didn't want my daughter's opinions formed by malicious gossip.

That shut her up. And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

She hasn't gossiped *to* me since. I have little doubt that she's continued to gossip *about* me, but I just ignore it and go on with my life. Everyone knows how this person is.

This may or may not help you, Badger. I don't know how insidious this guy really is. Maybe he's just bored and watches too much of those Housewives shows where everyone gossips about each other like any of it really matters to anyone. Maybe he feels like if he's controlling the gossip about others, he's in some kind of control of his own life.

You'd think someone entrusted with the primary care of two young children would have better things to think about than where his neighbor parks her bike.

Roxy

This is awesome.