how to deal with a gossip

[indysteel]

My career coach / mentor keeps telling me to cultivate a spirit of curiosity, when I'm annoyed or troubled or angry or upset about someone's behavior. She says that the person's behavior, to them, is perfectly reasonable, rational, and right, that people (except in rare circumstances) do not intentionally do things that they believe are evil.

It is usually possible to avoid or diffuse a situation without ever understanding why the person acts that way, and probably easier (in the short term). But it is more rewarding (she claims) to learn about the person's motivations. Among other things, we come to understand that it was never about us, it was always about them. It wasn't personal.

To get to that information you have to put aside any judgments, preconceptions, and stories you have created about the person and his actions. For example the notion that gossip is bad and harmful. (Maybe it is but put that aside.) Or that he has malicious intentions.

I'm definitely not perfect at this but I'm really coming around to her way of looking at things.

That's interesting. It would take a lot of work for me to come around to that way of thinking. IMO, along the spectrum between purely innocent behavior and evil behavior, I think there's a lot in the middle that falls under the label of "dysfunctional." I don't know that that type of behavior can be met--at least in a lot of instances--merely with open-minded non-judgmental curiosity, in part because a lot of people who engage in dysfunctional behavior (like malicious gossiping) don't even understand why they do it, appreciate the impact it has on other people or have either the ability or desire to change. In my own dealings with such behaviors, I'm often more inclined to draw whatever boundaries I need to draw to protect myself than to try to learn and understand the other person's motivations.

[Wahine]

I used to get frustrated and angry with people often. Then with a lot of self awreness and dicipline, I employed some techniques that are very much what Melalvai describes and it does help to diffuse my own negative reations. I don't engage people directly and ask them about their motivations, but I do try to remind myself that their behaviour is a result of their issues and has nothing to do with me. I also remind myself that my reaction is all about my issues and has nothing to do with them.

At the same time I agree very much with Indysteel and I tend to work with a lot of boundries as well. It's just not worth exposing yourself to someone's dysfunction much of the time.

[indysteel]

I don't engage people directly and ask them about their motivations, but I do try to remind myself that their behaviour is a result of their issues and has nothing to do with me. I also remind myself that my reaction is all about my issues and has nothing to do with them.

Yes, I suppose that's how I tend to approach it, too. I've gotten a lot better in recent years at understanding that someone's behavior doesn't necessarily have anything to with me. I've also gotten better at not assuming that someone's seemingly hurtful behavior was necessarily intentional either. I try (although it's a struggle) not to always assume the worst.

I think your last point is important as well.

All that said, I think certain people and their behaviors do sometimes need to be dealt with affirmatively. Whether Badger's gossip monger is among them; I don't know. I'm curious as to whether people really believe what this guy says or whether they just let it go in one ear and out the other. That might influence how I dealt with him.

[channlluv]

Once upon a time, a person I'm close to family-wise would gossip about people and say some really horrible things. She would call people stupid, intimate they were alcoholics, say they abused their spouses and children...really harmful things. And maybe those things were true, but I didn't need to know. It's none of my business if so-and-so drinks -- she's never been drunk in front of me or my daughter, never said a negative word about anyone in front of me. This target is someone I respect, so I ignored it.

Finally, I called this person on what she was saying. She was repeating an oft-told story about someone in front of my then-three-year-old, who was thankfully sleeping at the time. I told her that the person she was talking about was important to my daughter and that whatever he might have done in the past, he wasn't like that now, and I didn't want my daughter's opinions formed by malicious gossip.

That shut her up. And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

She hasn't gossiped *to* me since. I have little doubt that she's continued to gossip *about* me, but I just ignore it and go on with my life. Everyone knows how this person is.

This may or may not help you, Badger. I don't know how insidious this guy really is. Maybe he's just bored and watches too much of those Housewives shows where everyone gossips about each other like any of it really matters to anyone. Maybe he feels like if he's controlling the gossip about others, he's in some kind of control of his own life.

You'd think someone entrusted with the primary care of two young children would have better things to think about than where his neighbor parks her bike.

Roxy

[PamNY]

And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

Oh, good one. I have been so tempted to say this. Maybe, inspired by your fine example, I will do it.

[salsabike]

Actually, smile, be sweet, and bring him cookies!

THERE you go. He'll be totally befuddled.

[Irulan]

Once upon a time, a person I'm close to family-wise would gossip about people and say some really horrible things. She would call people stupid, intimate they were alcoholics, say they abused their spouses and children...really harmful things. And maybe those things were true, but I didn't need to know. It's none of my business if so-and-so drinks -- she's never been drunk in front of me or my daughter, never said a negative word about anyone in front of me. This target is someone I respect, so I ignored it.

Finally, I called this person on what she was saying. She was repeating an oft-told story about someone in front of my then-three-year-old, who was thankfully sleeping at the time. I told her that the person she was talking about was important to my daughter and that whatever he might have done in the past, he wasn't like that now, and I didn't want my daughter's opinions formed by malicious gossip.

That shut her up. And then I said, "And honestly, if you talk like this to me about other people, I can't help but wonder what you're saying about me to them."

She hasn't gossiped *to* me since. I have little doubt that she's continued to gossip *about* me, but I just ignore it and go on with my life. Everyone knows how this person is.

This may or may not help you, Badger. I don't know how insidious this guy really is. Maybe he's just bored and watches too much of those Housewives shows where everyone gossips about each other like any of it really matters to anyone. Maybe he feels like if he's controlling the gossip about others, he's in some kind of control of his own life.

You'd think someone entrusted with the primary care of two young children would have better things to think about than where his neighbor parks her bike.

Roxy

This is awesome.