Issues making friends?

[ny biker]

They are very busy and when married couples socialize it is typically with other married couples, not single women.

I've had the same experience. People do couple things with even numbers of people. If I'm with them, I'm the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel. Usually I don't get invited, I just hear about their activity after the fact.

The people I meet on group rides are happy enough to chat during the ride, and sometimes afterwards we'll have lunch. And they're happy to see me on the next ride. But the ride itself is their social event, and then they get back to their families.

[indysteel]

When I was single (I got married at 40), I had a lot of friends who were married. It was never a huge stumbling block to socializing with them. But, that said, a lot of my friends are older than me and either don't have kids or have grown children. I stopped having a ton in common with women my own age when they started having kids and I was still very much single. At that juncture, I started hanging out more with people who were a good 10 or more years older than me. I'm not sure there's any point to that story, but I would encourage anybody looking for friends to broaden your parameters (if you have any).

Another thing I'd add: Sometimes, you have to be the cruise director. If I waited for my married with children friends to invite or include me in their outings, I'd never see them. So, more often than not, I'm the one that suggests getting together and then coordinates the plans. I do that with my single and/or childless friends, too. Certainly before I had to move, I was the one pushing everyone to get together for a movie. If you're not already, take the reins on making plans.

Finally, throw a party or two. I'm not big on parties, but if I was having trouble going to the next level with a group of people, I would consider throwing a party of some kind in an effort to break the ice.

[ny biker]

Another thing I'd add: Sometimes, you have to be the cruise director. If I waited for my married with children friends to invite or include me in their outings, I'd never see them. So, more often than not, I'm the one that suggests getting together and then coordinates the plans. I do that with my single and/or childless friends, too.

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

[Catrin]

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

[ny biker]

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

Yup, me too. It becomes an exercise in dwelling on all the reasons why they might not really like me after all.

[limewave]

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

I just want to add that it can be disheartening for the friend with the kids too. Children are an incredible anchor, especially at a very young age. They are exhausting and demanding. It's more exhausting than you ever imagine it could possibly be. And simple things, like putting away the dishes, suddenly takes 4-5x as long! You can't focus on anything for more than 60 seconds without the wail of a child, the tugging of a toddler, or one of them deciding to take a dump on the floor, picking it up and running over to show you--squishing it in their hands!!!!

Seriously, I just want to go out so badly. But a sitter is so expensive. And I'm so exhausted. And it is some sick law of parenting that the one night you stay up late for real adult non-excrement slinging company--they will wake you the second your eyes begin to flutter close. The Joy of parenting can be a real prison cell. Gosh, I needed to let that out!

The lack of phone calls, plans to go out, etc. It's not personal. Certainly not in my experience. It's plain lack of opportunity. I am just now starting to experience brief moments of quiet that I had before I had children. It's a strange, welcoming feeling. I have hopes of having time again--time for myself and time to be a good friend.

[Crankin]

Those moments become more frequent pretty quickly, Limewave.
I guess I modeled myself after my own parents, who got a sitter every Saturday night, and Fridays, too when they had theatre subscription tickets.
Don't get me wrong, I spent plenty of poop slinging time with my kids, but I knew that despite being a working mom, my husband and i had to be a couple first and then parents. Or otherwise, we wouldn't be good parents.
I had a fabulous babysitter who started with us when DS #1 was 3 months old and she had just turned 12. Her family had 5 kids, with the last one being the same age as my son. They had 13 foster babies. She knew more than me. We also had her older sister and younger brother sit for us on occasion. She's now about 42, with 4 kids of her own. Maybe some would have called me selfish and irresponsible, but we went out as a couple at least twice month, sometimes more. And all of our friends we went out with were parents with young children, who I met at a playgroup I went to in the summer when I wasn't working. I had a bad attitude toward these women when I met them, but 2-3 ended up being friends for life, despite the fact I moved away.
So, in reality, I ended up making friends with people I thought I would hate because I was working and none of them were.... we did tons of things with these families, holidays, birthdays, etc.
You never know.

[indysteel]

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

Yes. I understand that complaint and that experience. But I still think it's a worthwhile suggestion for people searching for new or better friends because sometimes it does work.

I have some very good and long-term friends who have been very candid in admitting to me that with the demands of their young children, they just don't think about making social plans. They're happy enough to go along when somebody else does the legwork, but when they have a down moment, it's not the foremost thing on their mind. While I hope it's not a permanent problem, I'm willing to take the lead if it means we get to spend some time together. And among my single/childless friends, we change cruise director hats here and there. I've been through enough with them to know that sometimes our respective energies and priorities wax and wane. I'm okay taking up the slack sometimes because sometimes I know that the roles will likely reverse.

I'm not trying to discount your experience, but in my own experinece, it's been a lot less black and white.

[GLC1968]

When I was single (I got married at 40), I had a lot of friends who were married. It was never a huge stumbling block to socializing with them. But, that said, a lot of my friends are older than me and either don't have kids or have grown children. I stopped having a ton in common with women my own age when they started having kids and I was still very much single. At that juncture, I started hanging out more with people who were a good 10 or more years older than me. I'm not sure there's any point to that story, but I would encourage anybody looking for friends to broaden your parameters (if you have any).

Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids!

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

[shootingstar]

By sheer coincidence over 70% of my closest friends (who don't know each other) don't have children nor a partner in their life. And I've known these friends ..over 25 yrs. Some more than 30 yrs.

What has been sheer coincidence for these long time friends except for 1 person, I didn't meet any of them based a sport/fitness activity. However they each have found ways to pay attention to their diet and fitness over the years.

Another thing that is noticeable that there are people who are very tied to social media to stay in touch ...alot to their local friends, which hasn't been my style in friendship since high school where a person interacted nearly daily or weekly.

After that phase in life, it was seeing and talking to friends only every few months, but for several hrs. each time.
I have had invites / queries if I have Facebook, but I don't. And don't feel like it. Email with occasional photos is good enough for me.

[indysteel]

Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids!

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

Oh, I would never let go of my friends with kids. I love them all and their kids. What changed though is that my other--mostly cycling--friends became the people that I saw most regularly. My married with kids friends became, really out of necessity on their end, people that I got together with maybe every six weeks. That's life.

As I suggested in another post, life waxes and wanes. I've found that it pays to be both understanding and flexible when it comes to how busy everyone is. For every friend who I gave the benefit of the doubt to when they got married and had kids, the favor was returned when I got married and moved 25 miles away. Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.

[limewave]

Okay, I'll admit I didn't read all 3 pages of comments . . .

I'll just throw in that I too, do not have many if any close friends. 10 years ago I would have thought I was surrounded by close friends, BFF's, we would be friends FOREVER and into eternity! Ha. Become the center of a personal tragedy and you find out right-quick how good of friends you've really got.

I've tried being the "cruise director" as someone mentioned. I caught-on pretty fast that most people by now have all the friends they really want. I quit wasting my time.

But, I stayed active and fairly social--showing up to rides and trying new things and going mountain biking, running, etc. Some people started emerge repeatedly and I guess I would call them friends. We are starting to travel with two other families on occasion. We met through biking and discovered we all have kids about a similar age and we all like to bike (even the wives!!!!!). I had to chuckle one night around the campfire when one of the couples started talking about how they don't have friends. lol. We are perfect for each other. Friends . . . . and it has nearly taken a decade.

Sorry this is such a long post but this is a topic that I struggle with. I had always been surrounded by a "strong" group of female friends. To find myself suddenly very alone was quite a shock. My mom has an amazing support group of women that she has been friends with for 40 years. I just assumed I would have that same kind of community around me. I didn't realize how rare and precious a gift that is.

Anyway, I would say, just give it time. It's kind of like dating. You have to put yourself out there. Find groups and classes that are doing things you are interested in--you'll starting meeting people with common interests.

[Catrin]

Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.

Yes, this Perfectly said!

[zoom-zoom]

I should add that while I don't have a huge network of friends in my immediate community, I DO have a rather large and close-knit network of friends via my association with the JDRF ride team (most within an hour's drive) and an even bigger circle of friends whom I've met online--many IRL. I am as close to some of my online friends as I am the friends I see more often. And my BFF lives 90 minutes away, but it doesn't make us less close. She is also good friends with my one local friend. And my hubby is my male BFF...I get to hang out with him every day!

[Gypsy]

I'll just chime in and say that it's true what's been written here that it does get harder as you get older and you're not in a school-type setting where you can meet lots of people where you have something in common automatically.

I also work semi-alone, my coworkers are not around me, and I haven't made many "work" friends because they're all over the country, rather than local.

My friend who had a baby last year, also found herself with less friends than before because she transitioned into motherhood while the rest of her friends were not on that same path. I told her to focus on mother/baby stuff and see if she met other like-minded mothers.

I think it happens at every stage of our lives and a long time ago I also gave up the the idea that my college friends would be my BFFs forever. It didn't happen and I am always sorry that the friendships weren't strong enough for that to become true.

I finally have a group of friends I see regularly that are my closest friends here locally. My BFF lives overseas, so I don't get to see him that often, just a few times a year. I appreciate the friends that I have here and thankfully, they were also riding people and through them, I've met one new friend.

I've also met a friend through a Pilates class and we see each other as often as we can now (she's moved, but she comes back periodically).

I do think it's exactly like dating! And it does require just going out there and being open to meeting random people.

The girlfriends that ride with me now were friends of friends and the friend that brought us together just disappeared from our life, but we stayed friends anyway (that friend got married and only wanted new married friends, not single friends ).