Issues making friends?

[Catrin]

I've dealt with this same thing since moving to Indiana. I've made some cycling friends, and friends at my gym but outside of a few exceptions that really hasn't gone beyond the activities. When I have made closer friends here they have moved away.

For me I think much of it is my age, my somewhat eccentric personality, and almost everyone I know is married, and most of those have children. They are very busy and when married couples socialize it is typically with other married couples, not single women. Also, outside of my cycling friends, pretty much everyone I know is quite sedentary,it is rare that I meet someone who shares my interests and I get pretty excited when I meet someone who does!

While I do have friends here, there really isn't anyone locally I would call truly a close/best friend, and I've been here a full decade. I like the idea that IndySteel and GLC1968 mentioned, I tend to over-think things and allow such opportunities to pass. I need to stop that

[Crankin]

I never regret moving back to the state of my birth, but even though I have 3-4 close friends now, I never developed the same feeling I had with my friends in AZ. My kids were 5 and 7 when i moved here and in school; we lived in a town where I had nothing in common with the others, so I tried making friends through my synagogue and work. That mostly worked. I did a ton of volunteer work at the synagogue and a little at my kid's school, at least as much I could do as a working mom.
The close friends I have now developed over a 20 year period. We met our cycling friends (a couple) that we are the closest with because we took a risk, joined AMC, and signed up for one of her rides. It turned out that we had seen them for years at the health club, and lived within 5 miles of each other. It was just luck that our kids were grown and out of the house and they had no kids.
I have a ton of acquaintances, some of which have been friends for a while. And while I love my cycling group, they have been together for years and no one has reached out past the doing the regular group thing with me. I am happy to say that I met Hirakukibou through TE and we are both riding buddies and friends!

[ClockworkOrange]

Hi Emily

Have been in a similar situation over the years when moving but a lot of good advice on here, at least there are always friends on TE.

Just before I read your thread, I noticed this by shootingstar:

Friendship/good times: celebrate Chinese New Year's

In the spirit of friendship and building them:

Happy New Year of the Dragon for 2012! It's been on for past few days world-wide..

Invite a friend or 2 along and just go to a restaurant to eat, talk and know each other better.

It was suggested to me yesterday...so we're going later this week..for um a bigger lunch. Oh well, it's been ages since I've eaten at a Chinese restaurant...

Maybe you could grab a couple of people you know, in the hopes of all getting to know each other better?

Good luck, it will all happen in good time.

[fetchspot]

I too, find myself moving quite a bit lately and not being able to make friends. Two thoughts. Another thread on TE is on the myers-briggs personality test. I am always surprised I am in the minority introvert group. For me it helps to know I am not the only one going thru this.

Second I hate to say I do the Scarlet OHara thing--I'll think about this later. I know my location is not something permanent so I do the best I can for the moment. I tell myself live with and enjoy what you have. I enjoy exploring opportunities and activities local to each particular area. If I have to do it solo, I do.

I like the suggestion of acting on offers and also being the initiator. Currently my job takes most of my time and I have little for anything else.

Fs

[ny biker]

They are very busy and when married couples socialize it is typically with other married couples, not single women.

I've had the same experience. People do couple things with even numbers of people. If I'm with them, I'm the 3rd, 5th or 7th wheel. Usually I don't get invited, I just hear about their activity after the fact.

The people I meet on group rides are happy enough to chat during the ride, and sometimes afterwards we'll have lunch. And they're happy to see me on the next ride. But the ride itself is their social event, and then they get back to their families.

[indysteel]

When I was single (I got married at 40), I had a lot of friends who were married. It was never a huge stumbling block to socializing with them. But, that said, a lot of my friends are older than me and either don't have kids or have grown children. I stopped having a ton in common with women my own age when they started having kids and I was still very much single. At that juncture, I started hanging out more with people who were a good 10 or more years older than me. I'm not sure there's any point to that story, but I would encourage anybody looking for friends to broaden your parameters (if you have any).

Another thing I'd add: Sometimes, you have to be the cruise director. If I waited for my married with children friends to invite or include me in their outings, I'd never see them. So, more often than not, I'm the one that suggests getting together and then coordinates the plans. I do that with my single and/or childless friends, too. Certainly before I had to move, I was the one pushing everyone to get together for a movie. If you're not already, take the reins on making plans.

Finally, throw a party or two. I'm not big on parties, but if I was having trouble going to the next level with a group of people, I would consider throwing a party of some kind in an effort to break the ice.

[ny biker]

Another thing I'd add: Sometimes, you have to be the cruise director. If I waited for my married with children friends to invite or include me in their outings, I'd never see them. So, more often than not, I'm the one that suggests getting together and then coordinates the plans. I do that with my single and/or childless friends, too.

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

[Catrin]

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

[ny biker]

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

Yup, me too. It becomes an exercise in dwelling on all the reasons why they might not really like me after all.

[limewave]

Yes, I've had this happen as well. It becomes disheartening after a time, and I always start wondering if I am only one initiating things if perhaps they are trying to tell me something. Or not, as the case might be... Everyone is quite busy and it may not be anything more than that.

I just want to add that it can be disheartening for the friend with the kids too. Children are an incredible anchor, especially at a very young age. They are exhausting and demanding. It's more exhausting than you ever imagine it could possibly be. And simple things, like putting away the dishes, suddenly takes 4-5x as long! You can't focus on anything for more than 60 seconds without the wail of a child, the tugging of a toddler, or one of them deciding to take a dump on the floor, picking it up and running over to show you--squishing it in their hands!!!!

Seriously, I just want to go out so badly. But a sitter is so expensive. And I'm so exhausted. And it is some sick law of parenting that the one night you stay up late for real adult non-excrement slinging company--they will wake you the second your eyes begin to flutter close. The Joy of parenting can be a real prison cell. Gosh, I needed to let that out!

The lack of phone calls, plans to go out, etc. It's not personal. Certainly not in my experience. It's plain lack of opportunity. I am just now starting to experience brief moments of quiet that I had before I had children. It's a strange, welcoming feeling. I have hopes of having time again--time for myself and time to be a good friend.

[Crankin]

Those moments become more frequent pretty quickly, Limewave.
I guess I modeled myself after my own parents, who got a sitter every Saturday night, and Fridays, too when they had theatre subscription tickets.
Don't get me wrong, I spent plenty of poop slinging time with my kids, but I knew that despite being a working mom, my husband and i had to be a couple first and then parents. Or otherwise, we wouldn't be good parents.
I had a fabulous babysitter who started with us when DS #1 was 3 months old and she had just turned 12. Her family had 5 kids, with the last one being the same age as my son. They had 13 foster babies. She knew more than me. We also had her older sister and younger brother sit for us on occasion. She's now about 42, with 4 kids of her own. Maybe some would have called me selfish and irresponsible, but we went out as a couple at least twice month, sometimes more. And all of our friends we went out with were parents with young children, who I met at a playgroup I went to in the summer when I wasn't working. I had a bad attitude toward these women when I met them, but 2-3 ended up being friends for life, despite the fact I moved away.
So, in reality, I ended up making friends with people I thought I would hate because I was working and none of them were.... we did tons of things with these families, holidays, birthdays, etc.
You never know.

[indysteel]

Been there, done that, gave up. It was just too hard to find a time when people could get together, and if we managed to do it, they'd tell me they had fun but then they'd go back to their lives and I'd never hear from them again.

Yes. I understand that complaint and that experience. But I still think it's a worthwhile suggestion for people searching for new or better friends because sometimes it does work.

I have some very good and long-term friends who have been very candid in admitting to me that with the demands of their young children, they just don't think about making social plans. They're happy enough to go along when somebody else does the legwork, but when they have a down moment, it's not the foremost thing on their mind. While I hope it's not a permanent problem, I'm willing to take the lead if it means we get to spend some time together. And among my single/childless friends, we change cruise director hats here and there. I've been through enough with them to know that sometimes our respective energies and priorities wax and wane. I'm okay taking up the slack sometimes because sometimes I know that the roles will likely reverse.

I'm not trying to discount your experience, but in my own experinece, it's been a lot less black and white.

[GLC1968]

When I was single (I got married at 40), I had a lot of friends who were married. It was never a huge stumbling block to socializing with them. But, that said, a lot of my friends are older than me and either don't have kids or have grown children. I stopped having a ton in common with women my own age when they started having kids and I was still very much single. At that juncture, I started hanging out more with people who were a good 10 or more years older than me. I'm not sure there's any point to that story, but I would encourage anybody looking for friends to broaden your parameters (if you have any).

Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids!

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

[shootingstar]

By sheer coincidence over 70% of my closest friends (who don't know each other) don't have children nor a partner in their life. And I've known these friends ..over 25 yrs. Some more than 30 yrs.

What has been sheer coincidence for these long time friends except for 1 person, I didn't meet any of them based a sport/fitness activity. However they each have found ways to pay attention to their diet and fitness over the years.

Another thing that is noticeable that there are people who are very tied to social media to stay in touch ...alot to their local friends, which hasn't been my style in friendship since high school where a person interacted nearly daily or weekly.

After that phase in life, it was seeing and talking to friends only every few months, but for several hrs. each time.
I have had invites / queries if I have Facebook, but I don't. And don't feel like it. Email with occasional photos is good enough for me.

[indysteel]

Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids!

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

Oh, I would never let go of my friends with kids. I love them all and their kids. What changed though is that my other--mostly cycling--friends became the people that I saw most regularly. My married with kids friends became, really out of necessity on their end, people that I got together with maybe every six weeks. That's life.

As I suggested in another post, life waxes and wanes. I've found that it pays to be both understanding and flexible when it comes to how busy everyone is. For every friend who I gave the benefit of the doubt to when they got married and had kids, the favor was returned when I got married and moved 25 miles away. Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.