Quote Originally Posted by Dogmama View Post
She hasn't even decided when or where they're getting married, how big the wedding will be, etc.
When and if they actually set a date for the wedding, that might be the time for one of you to say to the step-daughter something like this - "Honey that's wonderful. We are so pleased. We'd like to do something for you both. If there is anything in particular that we can do to help you out with the wedding, just let us know." That could be simply cash, flowers, photographer, dress, reception - whatever. But the key is to see what they really want or need. They may not be going the big white wedding route (and boy I wish I had prevailed and skipped it myself but my father would not hear of it). And maybe all she really wants is a Kitchen Aid Mixer, or a nice couch.

Now if she responds with a reasonable request or suggestion, you can say "Great, we'll take care of that for you." Of course you get to define "reasonable."

But if she comes back with something that is beyond your capability, you counter with "Oh dear, I'm afraid that will be more than we can handle, but we'll make a contribution of $xxx or (name item, or service) to help you out along those lines.

She is still his daughter, and gosh, even if you are somewhat estranged, you are all still family. No matter how distant, or how much you may or may not get along, I think it's always best to keep lines of communication open. In another 20-30 years, the tables may be turned, and you might become very dependent on the step-daughter & husband.

A gift is something you can give, and then you let go of it. You can not control what the recipient says or does with it. You can't be responsible for any perceived slights. By giving her the opportunity to state their needs first, you have the easier task of determining if you can or want to comply, or you counter with what you can offer.

Remember the first rule of negotiating - the first person that mentions a dollar amount loses.

If she turns into Bridezilla, she is only hurting herself, her intended, and her friends. And that case, if it were me, I'd probably have no problem reconsidering the amount or kind of gift.