I agree that adult children should pay for their own weddings. But, this daughter is the type who won't ask but will bad mouth & make her dad's life miserable if we don't help. Biciclista, DH isn't ambivalent - I am the keeper of the finances and he wants me to be comfortable with the size of the gift. He says I'm the most important thing in his life & the kids come second. He's a keeper.

I guess I'm trying to "middle" the situation & make it difficult for her to be nasty to her dad, my DH. But, considering the financial support that we've given in the past, money didn't seem to matter. She still runs hot & cold with him. Oakleaf, there is no traditional way to do anything in this family. She's the first & only daughter (thank God!) and I don't have kids. She could bad mouth us to the rest of the family but neither one of us really cares. She gossips about everybody.

She lived with her mom until she moved out. Became a paramedic & then decided to be a nurse. That's when we helped out. Gave her a $1,000 graduation gift, but in her graduation ceremony she thanked her mother for all of her support (I don't know what the mom did, if anything.) So, that was a slap in the face.

So, Indysteel, you are right - the emotional baggage is obscuring the real issue here. And Limewave, you're right about the dress. I hadn't thought about the open-ended gift situation. I don't think she'd want to copy Kate's (the latest royal wedding) dress, but I've seen women turn into bride-zillas.