Need wedding advice

[Dogmama]

My step daughter, age 36, is getting married for the first time. She's marrying a man who has a couple of kids. Both have good careers, she is a nurse & he's a firefighter. Our relationship with her isn't particularly close. We've tried to be close, helped support her financially during her nursing school, etc. But she tends to be moody & we've decided to not play the game unless/until she wants to talk. We are cordial and are available but just not involved with the drama. BTW, never received a thank you for the financial support - it felt like it was expected of us. This was just a few years ago.

So, the question is about paying for the wedding. Given her age, the fact that we've already laid out big $$$ for her, they both have secure jobs, etc., we aren't sure how much we should do. I thought that maybe we'd buy her wedding dress & give her cash - $500 to $1,000 - but that even seems like too much. We've been hit with some big financial stuff - so money isn't plentiful right now. Regardless, my angst is that (1) she's been downright mean to her father & won't say what's going on (2) I don't want to seem like we're buying her affections (not that we could, given the school support we laid out) (3) they're not kids.

I want to do the right thing - whatever that is. DH has said he'd go along with whatever I decide. I'm really torn. I do like her and wish that our relationship could be closer, but in the 21 years that DH and I've been together, that hasn't happened. She is very close to her mother & may have some residual anger about the divorce (which happened 27 years ago) even though he paid child support plus whatever else she wanted/needed. Part of me is also tired of playing the game.

She hasn't even decided when or where they're getting married, how big the wedding will be, etc. I imagine we'll be one of the last ones to know because that's how things usually happen.

Advice please!! I really don't know what is appropriate.

[Blueberry]

I don't think there is one "right thing" here - nor do I think you are particularly obligated to do any one thing.

From what you've said:

1) Helping will be a financial stress for you;
2) You have helped maybe more than would be "required" with her education (without thanks);
3) Your DH doesn't feel strongly;
4) You want to do the "right thing," but don't really *want* to do what you listed because it's too much;
5) She probably doesn't *need* the help unless she goes overboard with a wedding.

I think I would show up for the wedding, and give her a $200 or so (or a gift of equivalent value). I certainly don't think you are in any way obligated to do more.

Of course, this is just my take and YMMV. I expect that hearing others' opinions might help you sort out your own.

[indysteel]

I would put aside the various emotional issues at play here as a starting place. It's certainly not that I think they're unimportant, but I think they may be obscuring the more important issue: How much can you legitimately and reasonably afford to give her to help with the wedding? I think that's the best number to go with. If that's $500, then give $500.

But here's my feeling about the emotional stuff: I try to only give gifts if I can give them freely--without reference to any emotional baggage, guilt, hard feelings, etc. If I can't give them freely, I don't give them at all. If you really are at a place where you can't give your SD a gift, then don't give her anything. I think that's a legitimate and fair approach if that's where you are emotionally. But be sure you're really there before making that call.

Good luck.

[Biciclista]

I find it a little disturbing that her father is so ambivalent about it. I do think you are being generous.

[limewave]

I would put aside the various emotional issues at play here as a starting place. It's certainly not that I think they're unimportant, but I think they may be obscuring the more important issue: How much can you legitimately and reasonably afford to give her to help with the wedding? I think that's the best number to go with. If that's $500, then give $500.

I agree. I would stay away from an open-gift like a wedding dress. Different people have different ideas about how much a wedding dress will cost. I think $500 is a very generous gift. She's a grown, independent women--I can't believe she expects you to help pay for her wedding.

[NbyNW]

Has she actually asked for anything for the wedding?

Regardless, it sounds like you and your husband need to be on the same page about what/how much you feel would be appropriate, given the considerations you've laid out. This sounds like a delicate situation, but hopefully you can have a frank conversation about it. (Red flag goes up whenever I see "whatever you decide")

Also since it sounds like she hasn't gotten very far in the way of planning, it might be a bit early for her to say how she would like you to participate. There are many ways to carve a wedding up, financially speaking, as well as in terms of all of the sentiment and emotion that people attach to those pieces. Perhaps just letting her know that as she gets into planning that you would be interested in helping in some non-specific way would be one way to open up that conversation.

Just as an example, DH and I paid for the lion's share of our own wedding, but his parents paid for rehearsal dinner and my parents picked up the tab for morning-after brunch. My mom wanted to do more so I put her in charge of gifts for guests. Other things that could be carved up: flowers, music, photography ... the list goes on.

But I would let her take the lead, and then be prepared to respond with something that you and your husband can see eye to eye on.

[indysteel]

I don't disagree SK (dh and I eloped if that tells you want I think of weddings). Certainly, I think it's more than fair for adult children to foot the bill for their own wedding, as most of my friends have. But I also don't think there's anything wrong with parents voluntarily offering a modest amount of assistance if it is within their means to do so. After all, no matter the age of the children, parents often do want to contribute. As far as I can tell from the OP, the step daughter hasn't asked them for money and might not. I got the sense that Dogmama was just trying to figure out if they wanted to volunteer some assistance.

[indysteel]

Apparently you think I couldn't comprehend Dogmama's request? I think I got it all. I said everything you said, just differently.

I'll delete my post because it was apparently not up to snuff.

Jeez, SK. Sorry to have offended you, but I think you're overreacting.

[Kiwi Stoker]

I got married when I was 29.

DH's parents gave us $2,000 which we brought our rings with (size U for him so that's why so expensive). My mum brought the cake and Dad a piece of furniture we wanted, and that was it for contributions from the family towards our wedding.

I suggest cash would be best as a gift unless there's something they actually WANT.

Put it this way- what would you give another child of yours? To be fair, it should be the same for all siblings, no matter what the situation. Otherwise it might end up biting you back later.

[jessmarimba]

I don't know, that just seems like an awkward situation. I'm not sure how close you and the step-daughter are (did you marry her dad when she was younger? Or after she was an adult?) but I don't see my dad's wife being the one to make any decisions about what he gives or doesn't give his kids. But they married after we were adults and we aren't close to her at all. Weren't even invited to the wedding, actually. Dad decides what to give us for what occasions, and she decorates the envelope or the wrapping paper. Not trying to say that you're pushing outside of your boundaries or anything!! Just that I don't know enough about the situation to advise one way or the other. I guess most guys aren't interested in wedding planning in the slightest but I find it odd that her dad isn't helping in the decision.

Sorry apparently can't read when I'm trying to keep the cat out of the soup. Just noticed you married when she was an older teen. Did she stay primarily with her mom? I'd say a small gift but you aren't obligated to pay for any of the wedding unless her dad really wanted to, and it doesn't sound like he does.

[shootingstar]

Dogmama: $500.00 is plenty or even less.

Sorry, these are mid-life adults, with established careers/ jobs for past few years.

I understand how you feel about your stepdaughter: one cannot expect a child not to have stronger allegiance to a birth mother if the mother has been a reasonable parent all along despite the upheaval of divorce.

Sounds like your hubby doesn't want to get caught in the middle of whatever again, so he ends up ambivalent.

I'm not sure why on earth people think that parents of mid-life adults should be supporting with alot of wedding money for their grown children in this way.... the parents should be saving for retirement and the adult children should remember this also of their parents.

I guess I'm lost. My family works totally the reverse. And very willingly, parents spent alot of money and self-sacrifice raising us.

[OakLeaf]

Honestly, if she hasn't asked you or your husband to contribute to the wedding, I think you're putting the expectations onto yourself. Time to maybe step back from the emotions? Or have things always been done the "traditional" way in your family, so that you would feel judged by other family members if you didn't?

When my first husband and I had our "hippie wedding" it never occurred to either of us to ask my parents to contribute (and it's been a long time ago, but I don't remember them offering, though they did give us a generous cash gift - and if they did offer/had offered, we would've declined - we had the wedding we could afford and wanted). I was 23 and starting my second year of law school, he was older and had already graduated.

[Dogmama]

I agree that adult children should pay for their own weddings. But, this daughter is the type who won't ask but will bad mouth & make her dad's life miserable if we don't help. Biciclista, DH isn't ambivalent - I am the keeper of the finances and he wants me to be comfortable with the size of the gift. He says I'm the most important thing in his life & the kids come second. He's a keeper.

I guess I'm trying to "middle" the situation & make it difficult for her to be nasty to her dad, my DH. But, considering the financial support that we've given in the past, money didn't seem to matter. She still runs hot & cold with him. Oakleaf, there is no traditional way to do anything in this family. She's the first & only daughter (thank God!) and I don't have kids. She could bad mouth us to the rest of the family but neither one of us really cares. She gossips about everybody.

She lived with her mom until she moved out. Became a paramedic & then decided to be a nurse. That's when we helped out. Gave her a $1,000 graduation gift, but in her graduation ceremony she thanked her mother for all of her support (I don't know what the mom did, if anything.) So, that was a slap in the face.

So, Indysteel, you are right - the emotional baggage is obscuring the real issue here. And Limewave, you're right about the dress. I hadn't thought about the open-ended gift situation. I don't think she'd want to copy Kate's (the latest royal wedding) dress, but I've seen women turn into bride-zillas.

[jyyanks]

While I agree that you and your DH have done a lot for her, I think her father should be the one to make the decision on what he wants to give her. She is his child by blood and ultimately should have more of an opinion on what he should give his daughter as a wedding present. You don't want the blame to fall on you if your decision causes a rift in their relationship (which it shouldn't but people get funny about things)

Are there other siblings? If there are, I agree with kiwi that you should give whatever you plan on giving what you have given/plan on giving other siblings.

That said, personally I think of she hasn't asked for anything, I may just offer to do something small (brunch for the wedding party) and give her a small gift.

[Biciclista]

you said:

But, this daughter is the type who won't ask but will bad mouth & make her dad's life miserable if we don't help.

She could bad mouth us to the rest of the family but neither one of us really cares. She gossips about everybody.

so do what you think is right and let her bad mouth!!!