Need wedding advice

[Kiwi Stoker]

I got married when I was 29.

DH's parents gave us $2,000 which we brought our rings with (size U for him so that's why so expensive). My mum brought the cake and Dad a piece of furniture we wanted, and that was it for contributions from the family towards our wedding.

I suggest cash would be best as a gift unless there's something they actually WANT.

Put it this way- what would you give another child of yours? To be fair, it should be the same for all siblings, no matter what the situation. Otherwise it might end up biting you back later.

[jessmarimba]

I don't know, that just seems like an awkward situation. I'm not sure how close you and the step-daughter are (did you marry her dad when she was younger? Or after she was an adult?) but I don't see my dad's wife being the one to make any decisions about what he gives or doesn't give his kids. But they married after we were adults and we aren't close to her at all. Weren't even invited to the wedding, actually. Dad decides what to give us for what occasions, and she decorates the envelope or the wrapping paper. Not trying to say that you're pushing outside of your boundaries or anything!! Just that I don't know enough about the situation to advise one way or the other. I guess most guys aren't interested in wedding planning in the slightest but I find it odd that her dad isn't helping in the decision.

Sorry apparently can't read when I'm trying to keep the cat out of the soup. Just noticed you married when she was an older teen. Did she stay primarily with her mom? I'd say a small gift but you aren't obligated to pay for any of the wedding unless her dad really wanted to, and it doesn't sound like he does.

[shootingstar]

Dogmama: $500.00 is plenty or even less.

Sorry, these are mid-life adults, with established careers/ jobs for past few years.

I understand how you feel about your stepdaughter: one cannot expect a child not to have stronger allegiance to a birth mother if the mother has been a reasonable parent all along despite the upheaval of divorce.

Sounds like your hubby doesn't want to get caught in the middle of whatever again, so he ends up ambivalent.

I'm not sure why on earth people think that parents of mid-life adults should be supporting with alot of wedding money for their grown children in this way.... the parents should be saving for retirement and the adult children should remember this also of their parents.

I guess I'm lost. My family works totally the reverse. And very willingly, parents spent alot of money and self-sacrifice raising us.

[OakLeaf]

Honestly, if she hasn't asked you or your husband to contribute to the wedding, I think you're putting the expectations onto yourself. Time to maybe step back from the emotions? Or have things always been done the "traditional" way in your family, so that you would feel judged by other family members if you didn't?

When my first husband and I had our "hippie wedding" it never occurred to either of us to ask my parents to contribute (and it's been a long time ago, but I don't remember them offering, though they did give us a generous cash gift - and if they did offer/had offered, we would've declined - we had the wedding we could afford and wanted). I was 23 and starting my second year of law school, he was older and had already graduated.

[Dogmama]

I agree that adult children should pay for their own weddings. But, this daughter is the type who won't ask but will bad mouth & make her dad's life miserable if we don't help. Biciclista, DH isn't ambivalent - I am the keeper of the finances and he wants me to be comfortable with the size of the gift. He says I'm the most important thing in his life & the kids come second. He's a keeper.

I guess I'm trying to "middle" the situation & make it difficult for her to be nasty to her dad, my DH. But, considering the financial support that we've given in the past, money didn't seem to matter. She still runs hot & cold with him. Oakleaf, there is no traditional way to do anything in this family. She's the first & only daughter (thank God!) and I don't have kids. She could bad mouth us to the rest of the family but neither one of us really cares. She gossips about everybody.

She lived with her mom until she moved out. Became a paramedic & then decided to be a nurse. That's when we helped out. Gave her a $1,000 graduation gift, but in her graduation ceremony she thanked her mother for all of her support (I don't know what the mom did, if anything.) So, that was a slap in the face.

So, Indysteel, you are right - the emotional baggage is obscuring the real issue here. And Limewave, you're right about the dress. I hadn't thought about the open-ended gift situation. I don't think she'd want to copy Kate's (the latest royal wedding) dress, but I've seen women turn into bride-zillas.

[Biciclista]

you said:

But, this daughter is the type who won't ask but will bad mouth & make her dad's life miserable if we don't help.

She could bad mouth us to the rest of the family but neither one of us really cares. She gossips about everybody.

so do what you think is right and let her bad mouth!!!

[shootingstar]

Dogmama, I'm sorry to hear that the father-daughter relationship isn't the best at this time.

Please recognize my comments are made in context of the reality that my partner has 2 grown children..in their early 30's.

Most likely you continue to give space to hubby for him to improve relationship with his adult daughter. It has been hurtful and difficult for him, being the birth parent when an adult child continues to ignore gifts of generosity.

[zoom-zoom]

so do what you think is right and let her bad mouth!!!

Ditto. If she badmouths, SHE is the one who will come off looking bad. That will backfire on her, big time.

[NbyNW]

She lived with her mom until she moved out. Became a paramedic & then decided to be a nurse. That's when we helped out. Gave her a $1,000 graduation gift, but in her graduation ceremony she thanked her mother for all of her support (I don't know what the mom did, if anything.) So, that was a slap in the face.

My read on this is that monetary and material gifts can only go so far in healing a strained relationship. I would tend to agree with jessmarimba -- this is something she needs to work out for herself ... there may be things your husband can do to help repair the relationship, but it may be that his daughter needs to take the initiative, if she has so much resentment built up.

[jyyanks]

While I agree that you and your DH have done a lot for her, I think her father should be the one to make the decision on what he wants to give her. She is his child by blood and ultimately should have more of an opinion on what he should give his daughter as a wedding present. You don't want the blame to fall on you if your decision causes a rift in their relationship (which it shouldn't but people get funny about things)

Are there other siblings? If there are, I agree with kiwi that you should give whatever you plan on giving what you have given/plan on giving other siblings.

That said, personally I think of she hasn't asked for anything, I may just offer to do something small (brunch for the wedding party) and give her a small gift.

[jessmarimba]

I can't say I know her situation. But she sounds a lot like the kids in my family ended up, in some ways - and I don't think she'll be happy one way or another with a monetary gift. Because to me it sounds like she's missing the idea of family and a close relationship with her father. So you can give a lot, and get another "slap in the face," or you can give just a little, and she will bad mouth you, but you can't at this point give her what she really wanted. She'd need therapy to straighten that out. Not saying you and your husband were bad parents - you could have been perfect but her mom may have skewed her viewpoint anyway. But my whole adult life my dad has just given money and it just doesn't buy him the father position he wants but can't figure out. I now know his best effort is what it is, but he just doesn't know me and doesn't know how to. And like in your family, his wife comes first, so now any extra effort on my part hardly seems worth it.