Need wedding advice

[indysteel]

I would put aside the various emotional issues at play here as a starting place. It's certainly not that I think they're unimportant, but I think they may be obscuring the more important issue: How much can you legitimately and reasonably afford to give her to help with the wedding? I think that's the best number to go with. If that's $500, then give $500.

But here's my feeling about the emotional stuff: I try to only give gifts if I can give them freely--without reference to any emotional baggage, guilt, hard feelings, etc. If I can't give them freely, I don't give them at all. If you really are at a place where you can't give your SD a gift, then don't give her anything. I think that's a legitimate and fair approach if that's where you are emotionally. But be sure you're really there before making that call.

Good luck.

[Biciclista]

I find it a little disturbing that her father is so ambivalent about it. I do think you are being generous.

[limewave]

I would put aside the various emotional issues at play here as a starting place. It's certainly not that I think they're unimportant, but I think they may be obscuring the more important issue: How much can you legitimately and reasonably afford to give her to help with the wedding? I think that's the best number to go with. If that's $500, then give $500.

I agree. I would stay away from an open-gift like a wedding dress. Different people have different ideas about how much a wedding dress will cost. I think $500 is a very generous gift. She's a grown, independent women--I can't believe she expects you to help pay for her wedding.

[NbyNW]

Has she actually asked for anything for the wedding?

Regardless, it sounds like you and your husband need to be on the same page about what/how much you feel would be appropriate, given the considerations you've laid out. This sounds like a delicate situation, but hopefully you can have a frank conversation about it. (Red flag goes up whenever I see "whatever you decide")

Also since it sounds like she hasn't gotten very far in the way of planning, it might be a bit early for her to say how she would like you to participate. There are many ways to carve a wedding up, financially speaking, as well as in terms of all of the sentiment and emotion that people attach to those pieces. Perhaps just letting her know that as she gets into planning that you would be interested in helping in some non-specific way would be one way to open up that conversation.

Just as an example, DH and I paid for the lion's share of our own wedding, but his parents paid for rehearsal dinner and my parents picked up the tab for morning-after brunch. My mom wanted to do more so I put her in charge of gifts for guests. Other things that could be carved up: flowers, music, photography ... the list goes on.

But I would let her take the lead, and then be prepared to respond with something that you and your husband can see eye to eye on.