This post tugs at my heart.

My father died earlier this year. He had an abysmal upbringing. He was left by his biological mother with father and 1st stepmother. They divorced and nice stepmother was replaced by a wicked, evil, body-beating stepmother. His father was weak and did not stand up for him. To make matters worse, my father did not know who his biological mother was until he was in his 20's. To his credit, he accepted her in his life.

My brother and sisters were all able to see my dad before he died. I admittedly, had the best relationship with him. My siblings share your ambivalence. As we have many times, we recounted all of the stories of our own childhood: the good times, the separation (x2), the divorce, siblings changing parents in different provinces. Parents fighting over kids. Depression, alcoholism and other substance addictions are ever present in our family tree.

My siblings question their feelings about their relationship with our dad, still. I believe my father was a lonely person (only child), who was looking for a family. His relationship with each of us was different. And coloured by his own upbringing. I'll never forget his vehemence toward his 2nd stepmother. He had Lewy-body dementia and was in hospital before we were able to place him in a veteran's home. He begged us to get him out of the hospital. He took me aside one day and said "Get me out of here! I hate this place! I hate this place as much as I hate Ada!" (stepmother #2) This hatred, that he was never able to let go of, permeated his whole life.

So I counsel my siblings to let go, to understand that we are all imperfect and some of us have the strength to rise above our shortcomings. We all have different expectations and perceptions of our relationship with others. I don't want them to wallow in a place of sadness. I'm sure my dad tried but the lack of love and acceptance in his childhood had him searching his whole life. It makes me weep still. Then I extrapolate that to all of the children in this world who are in homes with violence - no love. And I wonder what their lives will be like.

Enough of the thread-jack...

I support the wisdom shared in this thread. You will do what is right for you. You have to find your place of peace. What you can live with. No regrets.

Hugs.