Speaking of too much stuff

[grey]

OK girls, I need advice on how to approach the hubs, gently, about getting rid of a large pile of stuff.

I married a packrat. He's a wonderful guy, but he can't let anything go. He works in construction, so every toilet that still works, every sink and ugly cabinet, every sliding door and window he replaces... the old one comes home.

This is the underside of our guest house, it's 450 square feet. Circled is where I have to go to get to our deep freezer. I preserve most everything, more often than not I dehydrate or can food. It's dangerous to go back there - climbing over all that STUFF!

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/9/img5556w.jpg/

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I just cleared out the yard behind the guest house - anything I could lift myself. There's still more I could get rid of - all the pots that plants came in that he wants to keep because "someday we'll have a tree farm" (hey, by then all that plastic will be rotting!). There's a sliding door I can't move myself, and a 6ft jetted tub, and old iron rails for a porch/stairs.

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I understand he thinks we will use these things one day. But the truth is, even now, when we HAVE an investment house to work on, most of it will not work. We have about 7 sinks, and not ONE will work in the two bathrooms in this remodel. None of the cabinets will work, and neither will any of the windows - we have enough of those for TWO houses.

It's probably easier to just look at all the pics in imageshack:
http://imageshack.us/g/233/img5554n.jpg/

We aren't slobs, we're solidly middle class, college-educated (he has a master's in education, all his teaching stuff is in the attic yet, five boxes of it...and I suspect, we are not able to have kids so why keep it?). I do interior decorating on the side, trying to get out of my computer job. Our house, and the places people usually see, is BEAUTIFUL. Sure can't tell by all this though!

So here is what I want to do: convince him to let me SELL THIS STUFF. It might even pay for a vacation. I need advice on how to approach it. I'm a total minimalist, the less stuff, the happier I am (to a point, you can feel deprived), so this climbing over mountains of kitchen cabinets, bifold doors, and newel posts is killing me.

[bmccasland]

Sounds like hubby dear has a horder problem. Have you told him that you're afriad you'll break an ankle just trying to get to the freezer? Does he panic at the suggestion that you get rid of the spare toilets? Can you donate any of the construction materials to something like Habitat's Re-use?

If hubby freaks at the sound of getting rid of things, then he'll probably need professional help. There is a point that the hording gets to be a safety issue, and it looks like you might have crossed the line.

[indysteel]

If Beth is right, and I tend to think she is, then cognitive behavior therapy from a qualified professional is your best bet. Of course, the average hoarder will resist acknowledging that he or she has a problem. It might be smart for you, yourself, to seek out some help in helping your husband understand that he arguably has a problem. Yes, you can just try to get rid of the stuff, but the stuff is just a symptom, and it would likely just be replaced by more stuff. Hopefully, your situation isn't quite so dire, but I would treat it rather seriously. My mother is a hoarder. It didn't spill into the common areas of the house until she was in her late sixties, but now that it's out of the closet so to speak, I'm not sure how to help or how to help my father. She's already a pretty difficult person to deal with. I will say this; I'm not entirely sure hoarders even SEE all their stuff after a while. Denial is a powerful thing.

Good luck. I'm hoping Crankin will weigh in; she may have some insight as a mental health provider.

[Biciclista]

and in the meantime, have him go to the freezer for you a few times .. Then let him know you can't get there from here.

[Jen12]

Maybe organizing things into like piles would help. At the very least it would let you get around, but it also might show him just how many of each thing he has. Then you can set some limits and have him make some choices.

[Brandi]

and in the meantime, have him go to the freezer for you a few times .. Then let him know you can't get there from here.

I like this idea!
My opinion this is just going to get worse! And Exactly when and where is he planning to use this stuff. My husband does a bit of this too. But not as bad. I have to say that is kinda bad. I feel for you. But it will get worse it won't get better. Say bye bye to your freezer. I believe it is just going to get further away.

[NbyNW]

I've got no wisdom to share re the hoarding, but I recently learned that some "architectural salvage" companies exist that might pay for these kinds of things. We are going to be renovating our kit/bath soon and my designer suggested that we might be able to sell some of our old cabinetry, appliances, fixtures, etc. to offset our overall project costs. So it is worth looking into.

Well, I did have an afterthought just now -- your DH may be justifying the hoarding in part by thinking he's being frugal and planning second lives for these items, rescuing them from landfills. Noble thoughts, except who knows when "someday" comes, and as you said, these items won't necessarily work in your home. Maybe you could appeal to those same noble thoughts with a different line of reasoning, e.g., these things are only useful when they are in the right place. And right now they are in limbo (your yard). They need to find homes of their own.

That said, I agree with the posters above who said some form of professional help might assist you in this process.

[Brandi]

I think maybe looking into listing some of these items on craig's list might be a good idea. Maybe start going through and putting these items out and taking a photo of them for listing. I bet there are a lot of people out there who these fixture's would work for. I don't think this is hording though. Is it in your house?

[grey]

Most times I make him go to the freezer for me. I'm tired of risking a bone every time. Last time I suggested he take a walkie-talkie in case he needed help getting out. He just rolled his eyes and sighed at me. Which I promptly returned.

He gets rather upset when I express my dislike for all the stuff, or that yes, I am afraid of breaking an ankle while trying to get to the deep freezer. The basement is only 5 feet high in most places, so that makes it pretty tricky. We have had a few disagreements over it all, I snapped that we look like an episode of Hoarders and he feels like I am just *itching or PMSing or trying to be a pest. He feels very put upon when I gripe about it, and really gets angry if I pile crap in the bed of the truck to be hauled to the dump – he felt that was REALLY rude of me to expect him to take a 5 minute detour one morning and haul it out (but it's always been ok if I toss empty boxes to go to the recycling section of the dump in there... go figure?)

I think it's a habit, and yes, frugality - we are both pretty frugal, he more than I (if it's quality and something we will use, I get it when the time is right, from the cheapest source possible). It's easier to just unload this crap off the truck post-job and let it accumulate, he thinks he may need it someday – and every once in a while, he does re-use something. But more often than not... it all just sits, falls victim to the Second Law of Thermodynamics /Entropy and drives me crazy.

I could simply put an item at a time on craigslist for my local area - but since most of it is way too heavy or large for me to move alone, I'd have to be letting total strangers help me load what they want from our house. Maybe I could beg a friend to help me pull a few items out every week. Would be a slow process, but it would all go!

The hard part is just convincing HIM to let me do it!

[OakLeaf]

Freecycle, Habitat or Goodwill if they take those kind of donations (some don't), or sell it all to an architectural salvage firm. I think selling it all piece by piece through Craigslist would probably be overwhelming to someone with those kind of issues ... being a little borderline there myself, I know I wouldn't be able to deal with something like that through CL.

Much better IMO to get rid of it all at once if possible - a lot of charities will send a truck and a couple of workers to pick it up, and I would expect the same for architectural salvage places - or give it away on Freecycle.

[indysteel]

Before gettting rid of any of it, especially if you're contemplating doing it against his wishes, I would really want to talk to a professional. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I'm under the impression that the anxiety that may cause to someone who is a hoarder or who has hoarding tendecies may ultimately just lead to even more hoarding. That's obviously not what you want.

I'm not a mental health professional. It does, however, seem to me that you husband is doing one of several things: First, he's seemingly lost sight of just how much you really have and, second, he's not hearing you when you say that the stuff is upsetting and dangerous to you. That sends up a few alarm bell me.

That said, if you really think there's nothing pathological or dysfunctional at play, then sell/get rid of the stuff.

[withm]

First of all, as a short term measure, can you move the freezer to a more accessible location?

For the long term, consider that getting rid of it all at once without the agony of selling one by one, dealing with prospective buyers, all for little gain is the way to go. Donate what you can to a thrift shop and take the tax deduction instead. The lifting of this burden will be immeasurable once it's done.

Much of the construction leftovers will really be of no use to anyone. It is illegal for a licensed contractor to install old toilets if they are not of the low-flush variety. Our local Habitat for Humanity will not take appliances that are more than a couple years old. You may find someone who will come and collect metals to sell for scrap. Or you can take it to a scrap metal dealer yourself.

If he can build a rack to store GOOD useable lumber, plywood, great. If it's stored neatly you'll be able to get to and use the pieces you need. If you have to spend a lot of time removing nails, screws, it may not be worth it to save.

[malkin]

I find it useful to think about the cost of storing things. Consider the value of your home per square foot and calculate how much of it is being used for storage. With that number in mind I usually figure that I can replace those items if I really were to need them,

But still, I have way too much stuff.

[Miranda]

This book is probably one of the best books I've ever read in my life...

http://www.clutterbusting.com/Home.html

The author also has a blog...

http://brooks-palmer.blogspot.com/

OK, you don't have to be a tv show level hoarder to benefit from reading it. He also talks about different types of "life activity clutter". And how our society and marketing in general affect us in this area. Frankly, reading it has been pretty life changing for me on how I view things.

I'm in the process of gutting my house of physical junk. Also general life clutter, just simplifying. The feeling of freedom it brings is amazing.

Your husband probably will not jump on the band wagon to read the book. But, you as his spouse might get some insight. Good Luck.

[goldfinch]

Maybe the first step is organization and offer to help organize the guest house basement area. It looks like it could be packed a lot more effectively. It would look better and likely hold some of the stuff that is outside. Move the freezer for easier access. Organize the chaos and see about going from there once that is done. Small steps. Very small steps.