coping skills

[Brandi]

Relatives are like fish, after 3 days they really start to stink!
In yoga we are taught to block out all surrounding sounds and just listen to our breathing. I would start now! Start practicing like making a list of things in your head while they are doing the screaming over each other thing.
Think something like colors and try and see them. Red, purple, blue, orange, etc.... and see if that helps. A whole month? Why a whole month? and where are they staying? Can you make lot's of appointments during the visit so you can escape.

[lph]

I don't really have any good tips, but I sure know where you're coming from

Actually maybe I have one tip. In addition to spending time with dad alone if possible, try to spend some time with them with someone who knows them but who sympathizes with you. Maybe you have a friend who could step in, maybe a hubby. Having someone around to grin and roll eyes with behind their backs can defuse a situation enough for you not to find it so stressful. It makes it a lot easier to rise above things.

[redrhodie]

DBF will come for at least one visit, but I hate subjecting him to it. When I see them, it's an all day affair. You've all given me lots of great ideas on how to curb that. I'll be having some "things to do" to cut it short. They're great for about an hour, then it quickly turns into way too much.

They could be characters in one of those National Lampoon Vacation movies. I'd find them much funnier if they weren't mine. Actually, I think that I hit the nail on the head with that thought. They have a lot of friends, but none of their relatives can tolerate them. I guess the friends don't have the buttons to push like relatives do. Also, their friends have things in common with them, other than DNA.

[malkin]

No wonder it feels like we are sisters here; we all have the same parents!

[redrhodie]

I've been thinking about this thread since they left, and now it's time to update.

I ended up doing what I was thinking of, I spent a day with my dad, while my step mother happily spent the day with her daughter. My half-brother met us for lunch, which was at a restaurant I used to go to all the time with my father when he still lived here, and he had his favorite dish, French Meat Pie, which he hadn't had in years. My brother brought pictures of my father I'd never seen before, and my father hadn't seen in many years. He was young and handsome, pictures in WWII uniform, one where you could tell he was in love with the girl who held the camera (my brother's mother), then at just 20 years old, with a baby, my eldest half-brother. His face was so perfect. I never knew him that way, so absent of hurt and history. So much life ahead.

After lunch, my dad came to my place, which he'd never seen. I warned him about the bikes. He asked me if they were easy to pedal, which I thought was funny. I said yes, unless I'm going uphill. I didn't know he would be coming by, so it was real--not "extra clean for company", the way I usually do for guests. He seemed to like my apartment. I think he saw who I really am for the first time since I was a child.

Then we went out for ice cream, to Newport Creamery, a place filled with memories for us. When I was little, he'd say "want to go for a ride?" and I'd jump into the car in my pajamas with the feet, and he and I would drive there and get sundaes to go for everyone, even Poochie, our dog. This day, we sat at the counter, still the same as I remember it, with its vinyl swivel stools, and ate our coffee ice cream that still tasted like I remember it. It's been there all this time, but I haven't been in many years.

Finally, I took him back to my step sister's place where they stayed, and we just sat on the porch and talked while my step mother and her daughter were still out shopping. They had a great time, so I'm really glad I thought to do this. My dad said it was the best day he'd had in years. So simple, easy, and not at all stressful. A perfect day.

Sadly, they ended up cutting their trip short by a few weeks, because my father's health was getting worse. He was really in distress, in full kidney failure, by the time they got back home. The last couple of weeks have been terrible, very painful, and he was suffering. I thought he'd start dialysis, and bounce right back, but that didn't happen. He died last night.

I'm doing okay. I'm so lucky to have had that last day with him. I'm so glad I didn't avoid him, and that I thought this through and asked for your help. I didn't know how sick he was, or that that would be our last visit.

So, my dad, the funny goof ball who wore his heart on his sleeve, is in a new place. I told him to be there for me when I come, and I know he will. I never for one second doubted that he loved me. Believe me, he was a piece of work, but I was very lucky to have him.

[nancielle]

So sorry for the loss of your dad. Glad that you got to spend some time in places that held special memories for you.

[Crankin]

I am really sorry, Red. But, you have that special memory. There won't be "regrets," hopefully.
And, it sounds like a really fun day, especially the coffee ice cream at Newport Creamery.

[indysteel]

Oh, Red. I am so, so sorry. Your post has me in tears. I am so, so glad that you had some time together in which you relieved happy memories and got to create a new one--where he saw you as you are now. I'm sure he was proud.

Take care of yourself in the coming days, weeks and months. You're in my thoughts.

(((((()))))),

Kate

[VeganBikeChick]

So sorry for your loss, RR. What a wonderful, touching post.