coping skills

[redrhodie]

Well, my dad's a Rodney Dangerfield type. He can be funny, but a lot of people find him offensive. I can deal with that side of him. I actually can't help but laugh at some of his antics. But, bringing him to a museum, he'd make fun of everything, then maybe fall asleep. He's like a 5 year old.

The main thing about them is that they are both constantly talking at the same time. It gets louder and louder until they're both yelling, trying to be heard over the other. My dad exaggerates everything, and my step mother is always correcting him. They talk mostly about their friends who I haven't met, and their friend's relatives, illnesses, and houses, you know, nothing I care about because I don't actually know any of these people. They don't really ask anything about me, and only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Oh, and they repeat all of the stories over and over.

[Veronica]

Well since you don't really care about their stories - just kind of tune them out. Or work on ways to turn the conversation to something more interesting. Or interject weird stories of your own into it. "You know your neighbor reminds me of..." "My best friend's cousin's mother had that same illness..."

Veronica

[redrhodie]

"My best friend's cousin's mother had that same illness..."

That's brilliant!

[redrhodie]

The frustrating part is, my dad has a lot of good stories, but those don't get told. I need to try to get some of those out. Now I'm getting an idea. Maybe I should try interviewing him, preparing some questions about my family history, his childhood, that kind of thing.

[Bike Writer]

The frustrating part is, my dad has a lot of good stories, but those don't get told. I need to try to get some of those out. Now I'm getting an idea. Maybe I should try interviewing him, preparing some questions about my family history, his childhood, that kind of thing.

I really think you're onto something here that could make this visit a bit different from your previous experiences. Once a person starts to reminisce they often drop the normal demeanor and kinda go back to how they behaved when they were a kid because they are reliving that time in their life. It would certainly bring a whole new perspective to both of your relationships to share something like this with your dad. I really hope that you can pull this off in the way you want to, good luck with that and best wishes for a better visit.

[tangentgirl]

Good luck, RR. Sounds like, warts and all, you love them, so keep that in mind and make the best of it.

[Susan]

I think the biggest problem with family is that you really love them but they drive you crazy at the same time. So on the one hand, you get angry about stupid thing they do or say, and on the other hand you feel really guilty about that.
I don't have much advice to offer. I love my parents and miss them if they are not here. But only as long as they are not here. And then I feel guilty about it and think that we should spend more time together because I am happy that I have them. Until they drive me crazy within one day...

I try to recall that I love them and stop myself if I start to get angry about something they do and I try to show that I love them. But I don't always succeed.

[tangentgirl]

Plan activities with a fixed start and end time. Go to restaurants - so you have to leave - rather than just hanging out at your place. Plan stuff before you have other appointments for the same reason. Whoops, got to go!

[malkin]

For me it helps to be clear about my schedule in advance--especially if it is the same every day--"I'll be riding my bike every afternoon for 3 hours." This works because they value my fitness (and can't come with me).

I also rehearse forbidden topics and how I will not respond. I usually end up falling into the trap anyway, but sometimes I can just sit with a blank look and pretend I'm a wooden carving. This works better and better as we all age. I have also tried responding with an unrelated answer--as if I didn't know where the conversation was heading. A couple of times this has worked brilliantly.

[Crankin]

Well, if you want to escape for a bit, you could drive up here and visit . You could say it's an emergency bike ride.

[redrhodie]

Thanks, Crankin! Thanks everyone else, too. You know, just writing about this has made me realize the biggest part of the problem is them together. I'm going to suggest to my stepmother that I take my dad for a day. I'm sure she'll be glad to get to do some stuff without him, too. I haven't spent any time alone with him in about 20 years. I'm thinking of taking him to a baseball game, or bowling, then ice cream. Maybe to our old pizza place. I'm feeling better about this now.

They always want to see everyone in a group, and I hate groups. I can make this into something good. I shouldn't just suffer in silence, when it could be fun to see him.

[Bethany1]

I hope your visist turns out okay.

My FIL and his wife are monsters in public. He's the guy that thinks he's funny when he really comes across as a jerk. He and his wife yell at people they think are stupid and bicker back and forth. After the last incident, I told him and his wife to leave and never come back.

When they come visit you, your house, your rules, even if they are family. If it gets loud you could say, "Dad, could you talk a little softer please, it's hard to understand you when you talk so loud and when you keep correcting each other"

Yeah..get the public places, hence my FIL and his wife not coming back. Hang back and pretend not to know who they are. Once when he went to a Taco Bell and exclaimed, "Look! They have real Mexicans working here!" I refused to eat the food claiming I didn't like tacos. And that's a mild public visit.

If they love to talk, get them talking about family stories with his parents/siblings and hers. It's a great way to get to know them better. It was hilarious talking to my mom the last visit and she admitted she saw the old Yogi Bear movie my kids were watching in the movie theater when she was a kid. It was "wow..my mom likes cartoons??"

[tulip]

Remember that you cannot change people--how they behave, what they do or say. The only thing you can control is how you react to them.

[rubysoho]

Remember that you cannot change people--how they behave, what they do or say. The only thing you can control is how you react to them.

Agreed.


And repeat to yourself: "It is only a month. This will pass and life will be normal again."

Reminding yourself it is a temporary situation helps with coping. At least they won't be living with you!!

[SheFly]

My dad exaggerates everything, and my step mother is always correcting him. They talk mostly about their friends who I haven't met, and their friend's relatives, illnesses, and houses, you know, nothing I care about because I don't actually know any of these people. They don't really ask anything about me, and only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Oh, and they repeat all of the stories over and over.

OMG - I think we have the same parents! And I completely understand where you are coming from. I LOVE my parents, but after a couple of days in my space, I really don't like them that much. And I feel guilty about it - I am the only child [now], and they are in the process of putting my only remaining grandparent into assisted living against her will. I try to remember their situations, and basically grin and bear it. Not sure I could do it for a month, though!

You've had lots of great suggestions, and I particularly like the one about spending some quality one-on-one time with your dad. Good luck, and like Crankin' said - we're not that far away if you need an escape

SheFly