coping skills

[redrhodie]

My dad and stepmother are coming for about a month. They're not staying with me while they're in state, but I'll be seeing them a lot. They drive me nuts. I love them, but really, they're hard to be with for even short amounts of time.

How can I relax when they're driving me crazy? I need help. I want to be able to spend time with them, and not pull my hair out. Any ideas? I asked my stepsister, who they stay with when they come to visit, how she does it, and she said "I drink a lot while they're here." I can see where they would drive her to drink, but that's not an option for me.

Any ideas?

[jessmarimba]

Big question is, what do they do that drives you nuts? Perhaps we can figure out how to mitigate their nuttiness...

My first suggestion would be the more structured the activities, the better. Or do things that don't really allow for human interaction (ie, theater rather than art museum).

(My second suggestion would be to time your next bike wreck so they feel obligated to behave in your presence...worked for my mom's visit last summer! )

[Blueberry]

I agree that more detail might help us come up with creative solutions. The other thing I would say is carve out time for you - where you know you won't have to deal with them (date night, rides, etc). That way, you know you'll be getting a break. That always helps me.

[spokewench]

Not knowing how they drive you crazy makes it difficult to give you suggestions, but here goes:

Parents, even if they are step-parents, usually have history with us and because of this history they drive us crazy. What I try to do is think of how I would deal with these people if they were really strangers and act accordingly. I use this tactic with my husband sometimes too when he is driving me crazy! Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

The next scenario is that I try to remember that the time I am spending with them is short, that controversy will not help and that if they were not here to drive me crazy anymore, I would be unhappy. So, I try to make the best of it. Be non-judgmental and hope for the best.

That's about all I can offer now, but hang in there - it will be okay!

[redrhodie]

Well, my dad's a Rodney Dangerfield type. He can be funny, but a lot of people find him offensive. I can deal with that side of him. I actually can't help but laugh at some of his antics. But, bringing him to a museum, he'd make fun of everything, then maybe fall asleep. He's like a 5 year old.

The main thing about them is that they are both constantly talking at the same time. It gets louder and louder until they're both yelling, trying to be heard over the other. My dad exaggerates everything, and my step mother is always correcting him. They talk mostly about their friends who I haven't met, and their friend's relatives, illnesses, and houses, you know, nothing I care about because I don't actually know any of these people. They don't really ask anything about me, and only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Oh, and they repeat all of the stories over and over.

[Veronica]

Well since you don't really care about their stories - just kind of tune them out. Or work on ways to turn the conversation to something more interesting. Or interject weird stories of your own into it. "You know your neighbor reminds me of..." "My best friend's cousin's mother had that same illness..."

Veronica

[redrhodie]

"My best friend's cousin's mother had that same illness..."

That's brilliant!

[tangentgirl]

Plan activities with a fixed start and end time. Go to restaurants - so you have to leave - rather than just hanging out at your place. Plan stuff before you have other appointments for the same reason. Whoops, got to go!

[malkin]

For me it helps to be clear about my schedule in advance--especially if it is the same every day--"I'll be riding my bike every afternoon for 3 hours." This works because they value my fitness (and can't come with me).

I also rehearse forbidden topics and how I will not respond. I usually end up falling into the trap anyway, but sometimes I can just sit with a blank look and pretend I'm a wooden carving. This works better and better as we all age. I have also tried responding with an unrelated answer--as if I didn't know where the conversation was heading. A couple of times this has worked brilliantly.

[SheFly]

My dad exaggerates everything, and my step mother is always correcting him. They talk mostly about their friends who I haven't met, and their friend's relatives, illnesses, and houses, you know, nothing I care about because I don't actually know any of these people. They don't really ask anything about me, and only hear what they want to hear anyway.

Oh, and they repeat all of the stories over and over.

OMG - I think we have the same parents! And I completely understand where you are coming from. I LOVE my parents, but after a couple of days in my space, I really don't like them that much. And I feel guilty about it - I am the only child [now], and they are in the process of putting my only remaining grandparent into assisted living against her will. I try to remember their situations, and basically grin and bear it. Not sure I could do it for a month, though!

You've had lots of great suggestions, and I particularly like the one about spending some quality one-on-one time with your dad. Good luck, and like Crankin' said - we're not that far away if you need an escape

SheFly

[Sky King]

Hope they aren't joined at the hip and you do get Dad time, sounds like you could possibly get Step Sisters help. Love the idea of recording your Dad, and doing the memory thing. My father always had great stories and funny little sayings like "so I said, let them keep the $50,000) Sadly, now he has dementia and those stories are lost. Even though he is still here physically, I lost him about 3 years ago and so wish I had done more Dad time.
Good Luck and just think someday maybe your kids will write for advice about you - tee hee, that is what I tell mine

[jessmarimba]

Ooh I would definitely try to get him alone and maybe record a conversation, get his stories. That'd be pretty cool.

My dad stops listening when he's had too much to drink. At that point, I make sure he has someone else to talk to and I make my exit.

[Miranda]

I hope you do get to take your dad out alone. Maybe you can send your step mom to the salon for some girl time only activity lol.

Ok... this is partly lame dysfunctional advice... but this is what I've come to in a smiliar situation...

1) have no expectations or "hope" that things will be good... thus when you are already flat on the floor, you have no further to fall with disappointment, somewhat less painful

2) just say "no" and don't go / or do it, activity xyz

3) if present, close my eyes and tell myself that this must be some life character test of strength, and what can I get out of it to better myself in an awful situation

Good Luck!

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father, redhodie. So glad you spent a great day together with him.

[NbyNW]

So sorry for your loss. I missed this thread last month; I'm glad you got some quality time with your dad while you had the chance.