I just wanted to let you all know that I went on an easy ride today and it was AWESOME!! I had a tough time getting myself out the door, but I am sooo glad I finally did.

It was an absolutely beautiful day (a tad chilly, but the sun was shining!), and I just felt completely at peace. I often find that I get into a bit of a meditative state when I'm on my bike -- not sure how to describe it, really, but it helps me to calm down and really relax. Other sports help with my anxiety, as well, but none of them help nearly as much as cycling does. I am very glad that I had so many people encourage me to ride for fun again -- I think I was very close to quitting entirely.

Thanks also for the comments with regard to my decisions about racing. I think a huge part of my enjoyment today was related to the fact that I was back out there, just "riding for fun" again. I didn't have my powermeter (am actually thinking of selling it!) and really enjoyed being able to do whatever I felt like, without worrying about hitting certain numbers.

I've also thought a lot recently about the coach's comments recently and realized I'm not really upset anymore. I can see that his comments alone didn't cause me to relapse and I think that even I probably would have been fine if I had not experienced so many other stressors this winter. I also think I need to accept a fair amount of the responsibility here too because I could very well have chosen a different path/reaction to many events this past winter, and it was my own decisions and actions that got me where I am now.

With that said, however, I do think it's important to let the camp director know about the comments that were made, and I hope that they might decide to do things a little differently this summer, with regard to the weigh-ins. It might seem like I'm completely over-reacting here, but I really think that's preferable, when compared with the alternative. If they're able to prevent just one teenager from developing disordered attitudes or behaviors around eating and/or exercise, as a result of changing a few things, then I think it would be well worth the (small, imho) effort.

I also have been thinking a lot recently about how weight was handled at previous selection camps I went to for another sport and found it interesting to compare to my experience last summer. Weight really mattered in the previous sport I competed in -- if you didn't make your weight, you didn't compete, end of story. But, never once were we told what to weigh by the coaches at camp (personal coaches, maybe, but not ones that didn't work with us regularly!). I don't know if it was because I was less chubby then, or because of a conscious decision somebody had made along the way to not focus on weight. I'll probably never know, but I definitely have a greater appreciation for the lack of weight-related comments at those camps now...

I also wanted to apologize if my comments here seem scrambled or hard to understand. I've tried to reply to the replies here as best as I can (I really appreciate them!), but am finding even the smallest cognitive tasks way more difficult now.