Eating disorders?

[sunrise]

I apologize if this is not the correct area for the topic -- I wasn't quite sure where to post, but could really use some advice from fellow cyclists!

I have had an eating disorder for most of my life, and I found cycling really helped me to become more healthy with my attitude towards eating and exercising. I remember feeling such relief last year, as it I felt like I had finally found a sport where my weight wasn't constantly in the spotlight. I had a great time riding and racing all season with my teammates, and I just loved riding my bike. My doctors were happy with my weight, attitude, etc., and it seemed to have a very positive influence on my recovery.

Near the end of the season, I attended a training camp. I did pretty well and got a lot of compliments, but after we were weighed, one of the coaches started to lecture me about my weight. He suggested I check with my doctor, as I might have a thyroid problem, because I was "pretty chubby." Some other nonsense too, about needing to be more careful about what I ate, so that I didn't end up obese! Granted, I was significantly heavier than the others there, but not noticeably bigger in size. I checked with my doctors when I came home, and they assured me my weight is perfectly healthy, my thyroid functioning is fine, etc.

Since hearing those comments, however, I have been in a tailspin. I've lost about 30 pounds, and I am feeling as if I can't allow myself to gain back to my natural weight. Almost all of my friends are cyclists now, and they keep complimenting me on the weight loss. Everybody seems to think that I will do so much better at this weight, and I have to agree -- climbing hills is a lot easier now.

But, I don't feel like this is healthy at all. I don't like the pressure to stay at a certain weight. I have had enough of that to last a lifetime, and it really bothers me to be immersed again in a community obsessed with being as light as possible.

I am considering not racing this year, but am unsure if this is the right decision. I worry that maybe it's just nerves (first race of the season is coming up soon!) and I'm scared of not being able to meet the increased expectations. I worry about losing all of my friends -- the entire racing community here is amazing, and I would hate to lose the friendships I have built. I also have worked pretty hard this winter to do well, and wonder if racing a bit might help me to get motivated again to eat well.

I am just feeling very confused about this all. I am wondering if any of you have had similar experiences? How have you managed to stay healthy? Should I switch to recreational riding only? Not ride at all? Keep racing?

[redrhodie]

(((sunrise)))

I struggled with weight issues for much of my life, and I finally found a good healthy place due to cycling, so I know where you were and now are, and I know how harmful a comment like the one from that coach can be. I had a ballet teacher call me chubby when I was a healthy 12 year old, and that was the beginning of my crazy journey to try to achieve a random, unhealthy # on a scale, that had nothing to do with how I felt. I never crossed the line, but at my lowest, I was poised over a toilet with a finger in my mouth, so I was close enough to bulimia to understand how you feel.

As you experienced, cycling can be great for body imagine, so it's sad that that's been taken away by an insensitive comment by someone who probably has a screwed up vision of what healthy is. But, I think it's a great sign that you're here and writing this. I think in your heart you know what you need to do, but you may need some counseling to help you get there.

I hope you can find the strength you need to get back to a healthy place.

ETA: I only ride for fun and commuting. I also don't own a full length mirror or dance anymore. I respect my triggers.

[shootingstar]

So all your cycling friends are only those that race?
It's doubtful that even if you left racing at any point in life, all those racing cycling friends would disappear if some are good regular friends, unless racing is the only focus for them.

I dunno. Don't worry about what others think. Do what you love to do.

Tell us a little more about yourself about cycling, other than just the weight issue.

And do you cycle just for commuting, travel, too? Doing other types of cycling will get you exposed to other cyclists who are strong cyclists but they don't race..and may not necessarily worry about weight for racing purposes. the world of cycling accommodates all kinds of people.

Wishing you inner peace and more enjoyable cycling, pressure-free.

[indysteel]

((((sunrise)))). I'm not sure what advice I can really give. Shame on that coach for talking to you about weight in that way. It's totally irresponsible. Of the female racers I know, few of them are what I would call thin. Most of them are exceedingly muscular, so putting all other issues aside, I'm not sure it was even "good" advice.

Have you worked at all with a therapist or nutritionist? Is there anybody on your team that you could confide in?

I'm typically of the belief that when we engage in addictive behaviors, then we have to remove ourselves from environments/people that trigger those behaviors. So, while I think you should continue to ride, I have to wonder whether doing it competitively--at least with your current team--is the best thing for you. Unless and until you can tolerate anybody in your circle pressuring you about weight, then it's no different from an alcoholic going to a bar and being unable to resist being offered a drink.

But that's a drastic decision, and I tend to think it's one that you should talk to a therapist about. If you would stop competing, I do hope you continue to ride, ideally with people who don't equate being fit and healthy with being thin.

[sunrise]

Wow!! Thank you all so much for the support. I am on my way out the door now, and feel absolutely horrible about not having time to write a proper response now, but hope to come back to this thread tonight. I really, really appreciate all of the honest and heartfelt comments each and every one of you have provided (both here and via PM!). What an amazing online community!

[Grog]

I have no experience to share (except that I have observed it's true that female racers tend to be quite muscular and not stick-people like many of the male racers I know).

But I did want to say "welcome to TE", "thank you" for the good thread you started (partly because I'm sure there are other people who read this forum who may not post but who will appreciate the discussion), and "looking forward to reading more from you." This is indeed a pretty special place on the internet.

[sunrise]

Back now

It has really helped me to see the advice here. Thank you!

I have been in outpatient treatment for a little over 3 years now. Over that time, I've had almost weekly therapy, nutrition, and/or medical appointments, which has helped me a lot. I just am not sure that I'm healthy enough to be back in a competitive environment again.

I think I will definitely look into building up my network of non-racing, cyclist friends. I don't have enough of them, for sure! I joined a racing team right after I started cycling, and almost all of my cycling friends do race. I commuted to work for a little bit, but then switched to working at home recently, so no longer do that. I've never traveled by bike, but I would like to... someday!

The odd thing with my situation now is that nobody (except maybe the coach I mentioned above) is explicitly saying that I need to lose weight. My teammates actually have a very healthy attitude about food, exercise, weight, etc. It's just in talking to people here in the local racing community, that I notice the prevailing attitude of "lighter is always better." I feel like even when I mention that I am afraid I lost too muscle, or that I won't have enough energy to do well, the people I am talking to assure me that it doesn't matter because I'm lighter now.

The most frustrating part of this all for me is that I don't feel any stronger than I used to be! I used to be a fantastic sprinter and I had a lot of success on the track last season. But, now, I am afraid to see how I'll do. I feel like I've lost my identity, in a way, and I don't know my strengths anymore. I don't think that the weight loss will help at all with my upcoming races, and I am scared to find out. If I do end up doing well, I think I will feel like I need to be at this weight, or lose even more. If I don't end up doing well, I don't know how I will react. I imagine I'll feel more desperate and feel like I need to lose more weight (that's the messed up way that my mind seems to work!).

I think I need to spend a bit more time thinking about this all. I am not sure what my life would be like without racing. I certainly don't want to let my team down by not racing this season. On the other hand, I need to be able to fuel my body, and I feel like I might not be able to do that, if I continue to race.

[Susan]

Healthy weight and peoples views and comments about it are such a difficult issue.

This equation "lighter is always better" is something you can frequently hear in the biking community (and not only there), and while to some extend it may be true that you can climb better if you are lighter, of course it doesn't mean you should be at a weight that you don't feel comfortable with and that makes you feel weak - so like many things "people say" it's a half-truth that gets repeated (by people in the bike-community, in bike magazines, by doctors) without thinking too much.

Stupid comments about your weight in general is something you can't escape - NO MATTER WHAT WEIGHT YOU ACTUALLY ARE (and with the wide range from "anorexic" to "fat" you can comment on anybodies weight if you want to).
A lot of people, even doctors, only take BMI as an indicator for the "right" weight without bothering if you are athletic or not or what body type you are.
Some people seem to just feel better about themselves if they can give you bad comments about your weight. A lot of people have a distorted view of "healthy" weight. Women in our society, not only in sports, are often considered chubby if they are at a perfectly healthy weight.

Other might just not know that they are doing harm to people that have eating disorders if they are commenting their weight in one way or the other (even when they really wanted to pay them a compliment). I guess your racing friends just wanted to calm you regarding your weightloss because they didn't know you were concerned about it because of your eating disorder - comments "meant good" can often do harm. If they are good friends, maybe you could tell them about this, so they are aware of the actual problem?

In general, and this is the most difficult part, if those comments are a trigger for your eating disorder you should be aware that there is sadly no environment where you won't at some point come across people that feel the need to comment about your weight or weight in general.
Easy to say, but eventually you need to be confident about your weight, because you judge it by the way you feel and not the way others feel about it. You seem to be well aware that you shouldn't have lost so much weight because you don't feel good about your body now. Trust yourself.

While sports often help with building confidence and leading a healthy lifestyle, this doesn't necessarily apply to competitive sports.
Racing seems to put a lot of pressure on you atm. I understand that you don't want to let your team down, but from what you wrote you will feel bad in the end, no matter how you do in your races. So you can't win, can you? Doesn't sound healthy nor fun to me

[redrhodie]

If you're a natural sprinter, that should be your focus. Wouldn't it be silly if Mark Cavendish's coach suggested he lose weight to become a better climber? Even if he became a better climber (doubtful), he'd lose his real gift in the process. What kind of coach would suggest that? You were winning races. Your coach is nuts.

Food is energy. You wouldn't make a car to go faster by emptying the gas tank. You should be eating well. You saw this working already, and that's why you're doubting that this lighter weight/food restricting is right for you. Trust yourself. Treat your body as if it's a tool you want to last a long time.

You don't have any choice in what you've been given, but you can take good care of, and make the best of, what you have. That's your job. That means eating well, getting enough sleep, and avoiding as much stress as possible.

Edit: I just reread your OP, and I'm wondering if this coach even knew you, and knew you were successful at your natural weight?

[OakLeaf]

(((((sunrise)))))

I'm so sorry this has all happened to you. What an insensitive (and, if I may say so, poorly trained) coach. If I understand correctly though, this was not your coach - just someone at a camp you attended - so you never have to deal with him again? If I were you, I wouldn't put myself in a position to have contact with that person again, whatever it took.

I'm so glad you're continuing in treatment - as you know, this is a long road to recovery, with peaks and valleys. I hope that you are working with at least one professional who's an athlete or who's trained in the needs of athletes.

Bicycle racing can be hard on the psyche. I'm not saying you shouldn't continue - only you, hopefully with the help of your therapist, know the answer to that question - but perhaps a switch to, say, triathlon or duathlon might be healthier for you.

Red has good advice. One of the precious lessons you're learning is to listen to and trust your body. Don't let some @zzh0le shout down those fragile messages.

And welcome to TE.

[Triskeliongirl]

In retrospect, I think you should have taken this coach aside and explained your issues with eating disorders, etc. Or perhaps even before enrolling in the program made sure the staff understood that your weight was not open for discussion. BTW, performance on the bike is not just 'lighter is better' its about the power to mass ratio. If you are already lean and continue to lose weight you will lose muscle, which will negatively impact that ratio. You said you recently lost 30 pounds and don't feel good at this weight. So, why don't you first try to be sure you don't lose anymore weight (perhaps using your counselors that help you with your ED as a resource), and then work on gaining some muscle (here you may need coaches to guide you).

I don't think you need to stop cycling, or even racing, just be sure that whoever is involved in your training understands the whole picture.

And welcome to TE!

[sunrise]

The comments here have been extremely helpful to me already. Thank you all!

The reminder that people will comment on my weight, no matter what, is something I really needed to hear, I think. It's not right, and, really, people should mind their own business, but it happens. It's something I'll have to deal with whether I am racing my bike, or just going about my everyday life. There's bound to be comments, and it's probably not possible for me to avoid them completely. But, it is possible for me to change how I react to them, and, in particular, how much I let them affect my life.

After reading the responses here, I am considering writing a letter to the camp director, or possibly the organizing body that runs these camps. I don't think I'm courageous enough to include my own story, but I think the way that the weigh-ins were run could be potentially damaging to others at camp too. I don't think that weighing a bunch of teenage cyclists in front of each other, posting the list of weights publicly, and commenting on weight of specific athletes is helpful for anybody, really, but I know that they needed to get that information. I think I'd suggest that they weigh each of us individually, don't post the list of weights, don't comment about weight, and/or provide individuals the option to opt-out of weighing in. I might just be over-sensitive to this issue though. What do you all think?

I have a bunch more thoughts, but a meeting to run off to now (starts in 4 minutes!). I hope to come back to this thread later this afternoon or tonight. Thanks again for all of the support, encouragement, and advice!

[redrhodie]

The comments here have been extremely helpful to me already. Thank you all!

The reminder that people will comment on my weight, no matter what, is something I really needed to hear, I think. It's not right, and, really, people should mind their own business, but it happens. It's something I'll have to deal with whether I am racing my bike, or just going about my everyday life. There's bound to be comments, and it's probably not possible for me to avoid them completely. But, it is possible for me to change how I react to them, and, in particular, how much I let them affect my life.

After reading the responses here, I am considering writing a letter to the camp director, or possibly the organizing body that runs these camps. I don't think I'm courageous enough to include my own story, but I think the way that the weigh-ins were run could be potentially damaging to others at camp too. I don't think that weighing a bunch of teenage cyclists in front of each other, posting the list of weights publicly, and commenting on weight of specific athletes is helpful for anybody, really, but I know that they needed to get that information. I think I'd suggest that they weigh each of us individually, don't post the list of weights, don't comment about weight, and/or provide individuals the option to opt-out of weighing in. I might just be over-sensitive to this issue though. What do you all think?

This brings back memories! My ballet teacher got the brilliant idea to weigh each of us in front of the class. How awful is that!? In my case, no one from my dance class went to school with me, so even though it (getting on a the scale) caused huge anxiety, I got on, thinking, at least it would be contained to this place. Wrong! One of the girls was the cousin of a girl in my class. I went to school the next day, and she announced my weight (I was over 100 lbs. Everyone else was under 100) to everyone. It was humiliating. I never told my mother that was the reason I wanted to (and did) quit ballet. In hindsight, it was a great decision, since even trying to get back into it for fun as an adult was harmful to my body image. I can't imagine what I'd feel like if I kept at it through puberty (did you see "the Black Swan"!).

I think writing the letter would be cathartic. Probably if this guy knew what you've gone through from what was probably an off the cuff remark would be an eye opener to him, and may help some other women. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he didn't know he was in dangerous territory, and had not meant you needed to lose 30 lbs.

[OakLeaf]

I think eating disorders are extremely common among women athletes, and because of that, the coach's comments and methods are simply inexcusable.

"Weight" per se is nearly irrelevant in a sport that isn't divided into weight classes, anyway. Did they measure your body composition? Do any measurements of power-to-weight ratio or upper vs. lower body strength?

I think it would be great for you to write the camp, with or without personal information. I don't think you're being over-sensitive in the slightest.

[redrhodie]

I think eating disorders are extremely common among women athletes, and because of that, the coach's comments and methods are simply inexcusable.

Yeah, you're right. He should have known better.