Eating disorders?

[sunrise]

Back now

It has really helped me to see the advice here. Thank you!

I have been in outpatient treatment for a little over 3 years now. Over that time, I've had almost weekly therapy, nutrition, and/or medical appointments, which has helped me a lot. I just am not sure that I'm healthy enough to be back in a competitive environment again.

I think I will definitely look into building up my network of non-racing, cyclist friends. I don't have enough of them, for sure! I joined a racing team right after I started cycling, and almost all of my cycling friends do race. I commuted to work for a little bit, but then switched to working at home recently, so no longer do that. I've never traveled by bike, but I would like to... someday!

The odd thing with my situation now is that nobody (except maybe the coach I mentioned above) is explicitly saying that I need to lose weight. My teammates actually have a very healthy attitude about food, exercise, weight, etc. It's just in talking to people here in the local racing community, that I notice the prevailing attitude of "lighter is always better." I feel like even when I mention that I am afraid I lost too muscle, or that I won't have enough energy to do well, the people I am talking to assure me that it doesn't matter because I'm lighter now.

The most frustrating part of this all for me is that I don't feel any stronger than I used to be! I used to be a fantastic sprinter and I had a lot of success on the track last season. But, now, I am afraid to see how I'll do. I feel like I've lost my identity, in a way, and I don't know my strengths anymore. I don't think that the weight loss will help at all with my upcoming races, and I am scared to find out. If I do end up doing well, I think I will feel like I need to be at this weight, or lose even more. If I don't end up doing well, I don't know how I will react. I imagine I'll feel more desperate and feel like I need to lose more weight (that's the messed up way that my mind seems to work!).

I think I need to spend a bit more time thinking about this all. I am not sure what my life would be like without racing. I certainly don't want to let my team down by not racing this season. On the other hand, I need to be able to fuel my body, and I feel like I might not be able to do that, if I continue to race.