grief

[shootingstar]

Within the last 24 hrs., 2 grief related stories from face-to-face people I know on an ongoing basis:

Story 1: This morning my manager asked / in fact, ordered a work colleague to take bereavement leave...she found that the employee's sister had died last week of pancreatic cancer. Yet the employee never told anyone at work until today.

I don't think she knew was entitled to bereavement leave. I was aware of her sister's long-term illness before Christmas and was able to "share" since my sister died recently. Her sister was in hospice care. I think she broke down at work, crying at her desk. I could hear her while manager was speaking with her. This employee is a bright and thoughtful engineer, quiet and religious.

I can't imagine anyone going back to work so soon after losing a sibling they got along with/was close.


Story 2: A good close friend of mine phoned long distance to wish me happy birthday (coming up soon) and chat. I found out that she had another close friend (from her workplace) who died suddenly of an accidental drug overdose a few years ago. I thought she might have told me...actually. She is the one who lost her sister to a drowing at 19 yrs. and her mother in car accident when her mother was in her late 50's.

I had no idea of people...bearing these burdens. But then, people at work don't know much about me, than the fact my sister died. Except I look tired some days.

At times the act of blogging with photos, reminds of how see to and express one's world in new and more precious light.

[emily_in_nc]

Just read an interesting article about grief from Time Magazine and thought I'd share it:

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...2372-1,00.html

I found it interesting that the results w/ and w/o counseling were essentially the same overall. Time was what helped heal the most. I know I thought about seeking counseling after my father's death, or a grief group, but I ended up not. Instead I read books and talked to family members about it. And eventually, time did the trick.

[Crankin]

I thought the Time article was right on. I am definitely someone who did the "repressive coping," and it worked well for me.
I went to a grieving parents group, when my first child died the day after birth, from a severe birth defect. I had already cried plenty and talked the issue over and over with friends and family. Going to this group made me "snap out of it" really fast. There were people there whose child had died years ago... it scared me, because I did not want to be in that situation. Really, my friends were the greatest sense of support in that situation.

[shootingstar]

. In the 1970s, Freud's definition of grief as work became the guiding metaphor for modern grief theory. But a 60-person study conducted by the husband-and-wife research team Wolfgang and Margaret Stroebe of Utrecht University found that widows who avoided confronting their loss were not any more depressed than widows who "worked through" their grief. As to the importance of giving grief a voice, several other studies done by the Stroebes indicated that talking or writing about the death of a spouse did not help people adjust to that loss any better.

I'm the sort of person with major lifechanging events, would only talk in detail about how I felt, what happened etc. with people who have known me for many years but can offer friendly support without allowing me to become overly dependent. They know that in the end, I have to pick up myself off the floor. But they are around in my life. In the last few months, the closest friends have thoughtfully phoned me from afar, etc. to "check up" on me. Which I don't mind because we end up talking about alot of stuff... I don't expect them to psychologize me..I just want them to still accept me for whatever state I am in.

It helps enormously if a loved one who has died suddenly that one's final days with the person were happily spent together in appreciation of one another.

It also helps ALOT if one already has taken the opportunities over the years to make amends (even if not perfect) and most of the time has been positively spent when one sees the other person.

Today I just learned of another sudden still-young death of someone I knew : a local Vancouver cycling advocate. One of the editors for Momentum Magazine. It's just mind-boggling. No, it wasn't a bike accident. It is not clear but bronchitis accelerated and might have been combined with a long-term disease which he told no one. He was a skinny guy, always calm, eschewed fashion, regularily volunteered for low-profile cycling advocacy activities and roles.

By sheer coincidence I will be featuring more bike art in Vancouver which includes a simple piece that he did just last summer.

It is very North American to talk out every major problem, grief, menopause, divorce, etc.You name it.

I advocate a balance: talking only with the right people within a limited social circle for a defined time period about traumatic events, let time pass, sink in and drawing upon spiritual frameworks and activities that one loves to do that affirms life and its wonder.

I think the bigger complexities following a sudden death of a family member, is one's current relationships with other surviving family members. There tends to be a shift sometimes.

there are moments I feel sad..and it's usually in the evenings. And I just let it happen.

Thx, for this article reference, emily.

[snapdragen]

A friend sent me this link:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/index.html

I haven't checked it out yet, but she said it helped her a lot when her father died.

[badger]

I went to see a counselor through work on Friday, and she just happens to be a "grief therapist". She pretty much said the same thing - time is the best healer.

I do think that my seeing a counselor will help me not with grief per se, but what grief is bringing up. Issues like why am I still stuck in a job I hate, why am I so afraid of taking chances, etc.

[malkin]

I do think that my seeing a counselor will help me not with grief per se, but what grief is bringing up. Issues like why am I still stuck in a job I hate, why am I so afraid of taking chances, etc.

That's the thing, really, to maintain some focus on being functional in the present.

I experienced a life-shattering loss in 2003. The feelings of grief come in waves. The frequency and amplitude of the waves change over time but the sea of grief surrounds me.

[snapdragen]

Dad's obituary was published today. I feel like I've spiraled down again.

[tulip]

(((((snap))))) It's okay to be sad.

[OakLeaf]

((((((snap)))))) It's a major reminder at a time when you were probably just beginning to have some fragile distance. Of course it brings your pain back to the forefront. Take good care.




Knowing that I haven't experienced a bereavement - losing pets is as close as I've come, and although some of them have been VERY hard, I know it's not the same as losing a parent, child, spouse or sibling - it seems to me that one thing that's being lost in this discussion is the difference between "complicated" and "uncomplicated" bereavement. Unlike, say, "sadness" vs. "depression," we don't have different words in English for these things.

Time is a great healer. But when someone isn't healing over time, then I do believe that it's important for them to seek help.

[badger]

Oak, I didn't want my last post to become a novel so I kept it short, but one of the things that I needed validating from an impartial third party is that sometimes a loss of a pet can be more difficult than losing a parent.

As I've stated in my original post, my father and I were not close when he died. One of the things that I'm working through right now is that I actually sometimes feel that it was much more difficult when I lost my dog. I felt so guilty, how could I be sadder losing my dog than my own father?!

While a parent is awfully important in one's life, as an adult, I didn't see him all that often. Not like as a child when I saw him almost daily (when he was't on business trips). Up until 5 years ago, I saw him maybe once a year, if that for about 10 years, and when they moved back, I saw him maybe 2-3 times a month for a few hours, whereas I saw my dog every day. My life revolved around his needs, so when he died, it left a HUGE gaping hole. I cried for months and I still cry over him sometimes. Losing my dad brought up the feelings of that loss, too.

****

Snapdragen: I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. If you want to pm me to vent or just ramble, feel free to do so. I certainly know how you feel.

[OakLeaf]

Badger, I didn't mean at all to invalidate your feelings. Having never lost a human family member I can't make a direct comparison, but I doubt the intensity of my grief could be any greater. I only meant that it's a different type of a relationship ... the way a pet is dependent on us makes it more like a child, but we know going into it that we're likely to outlive them, so we're far more prepared for the loss than parents who lose children.

It's been over three years since the last of my dogs died, and I don't feel the grief every day, but there are times I will still tear up over any of them. So yes, feel that loss, feel it as intensely as you do and never feel that it's wrong.

[badger]

oh no, Oak, there was no invalidation, in fact, I was actually validating your comment

I was having a bit of an issue feeling that perhaps I was more devastated by my dog's death than my father's. Not to say my dad's death didn't/hasn't affected me, because it does, but his seems to be more on a subconscious level. With my dog, my life literally did revolve around him as he was old and he had many health issues. So when he died, not only was it a visual reminder that he was gone (his bed put away, his leash hanging by the door, etc), but my whole routine was disrupted. It really left a big hole in my life.

Anyways, I think every death is different, as is the way we are affected by them. For the most part, you expect your parents to die before you, and also your pets. You're sort of "prepared", but you never really are, are you? One day they're there, and the next day they're gone. And you'll never see them again. It's quite profound.

[PamNY]

Badger, I had similar thoughts when my father died. Of course I loved him, and he was a good father, but our relationship had become more distant as he got older (old age was not the best part of his life, and I had to maintain some distance from his anger and criticism).

The extent to which our pets are entwined in our daily lives -- walking, feeding, playing -- is so great that the loss has a very immediate, wrenching quality. Also, pets are dependent on us in a way that adult family members usually aren't.