BCIPam, I am just like you. While I can be caring and empathetic in my job as a therapist, I have estranged relationships with most of my family, outside of my dad, brother, and of course, my own kids and DH. I can't deal with their grudges, racism, and negative attitudes to just about everything. My aunt is still grieving the death of her husband after almost 25 years.
When my mom died, I am sure people thought I was very "unfeeling." She was sick with a degenerative liver disease and went downhill quickly after an unsuccessful transplant. It got to the point that my mom didn't even tell her own sister (my aunt mentioned above) what was going on, because she couldn't stand the drama, either. Thankfully, for my mom, my aunt is here and my parents live in San Diego. So, what did I do? I went to visit my mom twice while she was dying and we had fun. I took my kids one of the times. And I prepared myself. The funeral was here, as my parents had bought burial plots years ago, when I was a kid. I took care of everything. I didn't cry or break down once. I remember feeling a little numb in the grocery store right after I got the news, but I decided I wanted to act the way my mom would have acted in the same situation. And, I wanted to remember my mom the way she was for most of her life, not dwelling on the illness or the last 5 years.
I didn't fall apart and I didn't have any "side effects" from this. My DH and kids were very solicitous of me, as were my co-workers, but my pragmatic attitude is just the way I have always dealt with hard things. It doesn't mean other people will approach things the same way, but it is hard sometimes for other people to understand my attitude. It's the same thing with my son who is in the marines; people always ask if I am worried about him. I always say no, because it just wouldn't be productive for me or him. It's his job. He chose it. He is not afraid of death. If I had been "worried" for the last 7.5 years, my own mental health would have suffered. I've sort of prepared myself mentally, if it does happen. He wouldn't want me to go off of the deep end, any more than my mom would have.