Dear So and So

[Crankin]

BCIPam, I am just like you. While I can be caring and empathetic in my job as a therapist, I have estranged relationships with most of my family, outside of my dad, brother, and of course, my own kids and DH. I can't deal with their grudges, racism, and negative attitudes to just about everything. My aunt is still grieving the death of her husband after almost 25 years.
When my mom died, I am sure people thought I was very "unfeeling." She was sick with a degenerative liver disease and went downhill quickly after an unsuccessful transplant. It got to the point that my mom didn't even tell her own sister (my aunt mentioned above) what was going on, because she couldn't stand the drama, either. Thankfully, for my mom, my aunt is here and my parents live in San Diego. So, what did I do? I went to visit my mom twice while she was dying and we had fun. I took my kids one of the times. And I prepared myself. The funeral was here, as my parents had bought burial plots years ago, when I was a kid. I took care of everything. I didn't cry or break down once. I remember feeling a little numb in the grocery store right after I got the news, but I decided I wanted to act the way my mom would have acted in the same situation. And, I wanted to remember my mom the way she was for most of her life, not dwelling on the illness or the last 5 years.
I didn't fall apart and I didn't have any "side effects" from this. My DH and kids were very solicitous of me, as were my co-workers, but my pragmatic attitude is just the way I have always dealt with hard things. It doesn't mean other people will approach things the same way, but it is hard sometimes for other people to understand my attitude. It's the same thing with my son who is in the marines; people always ask if I am worried about him. I always say no, because it just wouldn't be productive for me or him. It's his job. He chose it. He is not afraid of death. If I had been "worried" for the last 7.5 years, my own mental health would have suffered. I've sort of prepared myself mentally, if it does happen. He wouldn't want me to go off of the deep end, any more than my mom would have.

[indysteel]

Pam, I'm sorry about what you're going through.

I'm estranged from my alcoholic brother and borderline personality/alcoholic sister. Even when they were sober, they were both incredibly difficult to deal with. I don't miss them. At all.

That said, I tend to agree with Lisa in that you might try to react to your sister with some degree of compassion--at least with the current situation. Your brother's situation IS sad.

Have you ever spoken to a therapist? I have. The day I decided to disassociate from my sister, I made an appointment and have been seeing her for about seven years now. A good therapist will help you figure out the right boundaries to draw and how to draw and enforce them. Ideally, over time, you feel more secure and are better able to deal with the difficult people in your life, often from a more emphathetic place.

Short of therapy, read The Dance of Anger. It's one of the few self help books I recommend.

[Eden]

OK not the end of the world, or earth shattering or even meaningful in the larger scheme of the world, but I still feel like ranting....

Dear retailer.... I don't buy myself nice new stuff all that often, especially not wearables.... when I decided I wanted a nice pair of boots I really had made my mind up....

So I find out pretty quick that very few people make small boots... The ones I wanted in the first place don't go smaller than a 6 and its a big 6.... Search and search, so I've had a hard enough time even find a pair small enough and I was sooooo thankful when I finally found yours - they fit and they are just what I wanted, but there's where it all goes downhill.... You had a pair in my size, but you couldn't find the right one only a box with the lone left boot... right boot no where to be found in the whole shop.... but I can order them online! I'm down with that.

Ordered online. *3 days* later you just cancel my order - out of stock - no sorry, no we'll back order them, nothing but your order is cancelled - ARG! Scurry down to the store to *beg* the sales folks to search for the mate. Told that its not there anymore. It must have been sold - too bad, so sad there just aren't any more, no we can't check anywhere else (UK web store had stock), they are different than the retail stores, go away.... Now I'm getting mad.... I HAD IT IN MY HAND and you managed to find the match and sell it to someone else over the last 3 days....

Look all over for something similar - nothing.... nothing that fits, nothing black... Back home - get onto the UK web site, recheck and find that they will ship to the USA - there's still stock listed there - order boots! If you snatch these boots away from me one more time - I'm going to have a melt down - as stupid as it is, this is really, really frustrating...

(though the funny thing is the further away I go the cheaper they get.... $250+ tax at the local retail store, $250 no tax/shipping on the web, $225 no tax/shipping from UK web store favorable exchange rate?)

[PamNY]

bcipam, I am sorry to hear of your family situation.

I'd suggest taking responsibility for your own reactions rather than trying to control or dictate other people's behavior. Tell your sister that you can't deal with people when they are upset, and ask if she could call you back later. Normally I would suggest reassuring her that you love her and value your relationship with her, but it sounds like that isn't true in your case. However you could tell her that emotional displays aren't your style, and reassure her that you will help your parents and brother in other ways.

If you don't want to participate in drama, don't participate in drama. When you start reacting and issuing directives about how people should behave, you are diving right in.

I admit that as an only child I am mystified by the extent to which siblings want to control each others' behavior (I exclude serious matters such as crime, substance abuse, child abuse, etc).

However, my father was one of eleven children, and the sort of thing you describe was what pretty much what they viewed as normal. As far as I could see, it did no good and caused a great deal of harm.

My comments are based on how I dealt with them and their endless squabbling and not on sibling relationships of my own. I can't claim any brilliant result but at least I maintained a sort of integrity, and it was fun to confuse them.

I wish you the best in dealing with your family's situation, which sounds challenging indeed. I also think Lisa's advice is very good.

[Owlie]

Dear former professor--
I asked you to write a recommendation letter for me for this school in September. I asked you again in October. I gave you all the materials you asked for the first week of November. I've sent you I-don't-know-how-many e-mails with a reminder about it. It was due on the first. You still haven't filled it out. They start reviewing applications next week. I realize you're busy, but seriously, you've known about this for months, and you've had at least two to actually write and submit the damn thing.
Argh.

[Biciclista]

Dear Owlie
Call the department secretary.
she's used to being his mother/nursemaid
She can probably put the pen in his hand.

Dear former professor--
I asked you to write a recommendation letter for me for this school in September. I asked you again in October. I gave you all the materials you asked for the first week of November. I've sent you I-don't-know-how-many e-mails with a reminder about it. It was due on the first. You still haven't filled it out. They start reviewing applications next week. I realize you're busy, but seriously, you've known about this for months, and you've had at least two to actually write and submit the damn thing.
Argh.

[Becky]

Dear Owlie
Call the department secretary.
she's used to being his mother/nursemaid
She can probably put the pen in his hand.

*chuckles* So true....same thing works with doctors....

[bcipam]

That said, I tend to agree with Lisa in that you might try to react to your sister with some degree of compassion--at least with the current situation. Your brother's situation IS sad.

.

Thanks everyone for your response... I realize this probably is not the place but it seemed as good as any to vent...

Indy - I get what you say about compassion... just know there is a really long back story and at one time i was compassionate towards my sister but after too many years of my sister always being the victim and feeling sorry for herself, I became hardedned to all her drama. For instance, 4 years ago, when my brotherinlaw was going through depression and using drugs and alcohol - instead of helping him she moved out and in with another man leaving her two teen age kids to care for a drunk father. The 15 year old came home and found him dead from an OD. My sister all of a sudden started to play the "poor widow" and became totally disabled just when those kids needed her most. Thank goodness for my other sister and I to pick up pieces. Anyway, long story, I could write a book...

Found out brother has stomach cancer; its advance. I'll probably be going home shortly.

[indysteel]

Thanks everyone for your response... I realize this probably is not the place but it seemed as good as any to vent...

Indy - I get what you say about compassion... just know there is a really long back story and at one time i was compassionate towards my sister but after too many years of my sister always being the victim and feeling sorry for herself, I became hardedned to all her drama. For instance, 4 years ago, when my brotherinlaw was going through depression and using drugs and alcohol - instead of helping him she moved out and in with another man leaving her two teen age kids to care for a drunk father. The 15 year old came home and found him dead from an OD. My sister all of a sudden started to play the "poor widow" and became totally disabled just when those kids needed her most. Thank goodness for my other sister and I to pick up pieces. Anyway, long story, I could write a book...

Found out brother has stomach cancer; its advance. I'll probably be going home shortly.

Oh, I hear you. My sister has been a mess for years. Like you, I just couldn't handle it or her anymore. I do, however, feel sorry for her. I don't want her life, and I understand and feel sad for the things in her childhood and young adulthood that contributed to her dysfunction and mental illness. That doesn't mean I am not detached from her though. That much hasn't and likely won't change. I've just reached a point where I don't really need to judge her anymore for her mistakes. They're hers; not mine.

I'm truly sorry about your brother.

[bcipam]

Indy... I used to tell my sister where I thought she went wrong but decided, as you mentioned, its not my business to judge her and what she has done with her life so some time ago I stopped. I am perfectly happy minding my own business but then she tries and bring me in on the drama. I still don't know why she had to call me. I was already in touch with my mother and other sister. I know it is was to get me to feel sorry for her... I feel for my brother; I feel for my mother, I feel for my dad and I am sorry that my sister doesn't see how wonderful her own life is or can be. But I can't give in to her "victim" thing... life is just too short.

Thanks, for indulging me however. It's good to get another perspective... I tend to bottle my emotions up good and tight and I know I lack empathy...

[limewave]

Dear Limewave~
Today is a new day.

[bmccasland]

Dear Mr.C -
Why do you keep bringing up pesky little details that you want me to address on a project that's almost finished? You are aware that to address these odd little building construction details, your Environmental document due date will be delayed, again? I'm supposed to be addressing impacts to wetlands, bugs, bunnies, and fish - not the building trades or county taxes.

[snapdragen]

Dear Limewave~
Today is a new day.

*thumbs up*