Bike vs truck

[Melalvai]

Yesterday was my first visit with the counselor. I knew I had super high hopes, if not expectations, going in and was likely to be disappointed. My first impressions confirmed this. The building has a "for sale" sign out front (presumably the clinic is renting), the office is a bit shabby and not overly clean. No one was at the desk and the counselor came out and explained they were all out smoking. This is harsh, unfair, not nice but I'm just reporting my first impressions-- the counselor is an overweight smoker and I thought "SHE's supposed to be able to help ME?" (Later I thought maybe she does know something about overcoming problems, perhaps she's already overcome other, less visible problems.) Worst of all, she started off by saying that my reaction was perfectly normal, it will take time and can't be rushed and there's really nothing I can do.

Then why am I here? I was ready to get up and leave and only politeness kept me from walking out. She even mentioned anxiety pills! I KNEW she would which is why I had been trying to find a counselor that anyone knew anything about. I don't need a drug pusher. I made it perfectly clear that I'm not interested in pills.

Finally she said something about relaxation exercises and I asked for more information about that. Things started to improve at this point.

1. Positive cognition. (It annoys me that scientists have to use big words. What's wrong with "positive thoughts"?) We believe what we tell ourselves. There was something about eating grasshoppers. Three times a day, I'm supposed to repeat "I'm safe" 10 times. (Actually the grasshopper story was encouraging, because from here on out she started talking about actual studies. Because of my science background I respond well to citations of studies.) Furthermore, I can use this technique to interrupt a flashback or anxiety attack.

2. Journaling. I asked "What should I write about?" because I write a lot daily. I keep a blog for instance & I've shared a lot on here. She said, write about my feelings about the wreck, or whatever my strongest emotion was that day. That was a relief because I don't like to think about the wreck, and I don't want to write about it. I'm supposed to journal three times a week for at least 15 min.

3. There's some technique, I didn't catch the name, supposed to help process the memories and get them out of the front of my mind and into long term storage where they belong. It involves remembering the wreck, and I don't like to think about the wreck, so I'm not looking forward to this.

The last thing she mentioned was that my guilt is feeding into the flashbacks & anxiety attacks. That sure hit home. I don't quite understand though. She claims my guilt feelings are irrational and have no basis. Well, many factors contribute to any wreck, and I was one of the factors for this wreck. That's a logical fact.

While my first impressions weren't good, it got better after that, and upon reflection I'm positively inclined toward her. So long as she doesn't try to push drugs.