I can't begin to imagine the pain that you feel. I do agree with the suggestion of seeking a support group to help you through this. I do volunteer with a suicide prevention group in my area. Here are some resources that might be of help:

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-survivors-forum.html
This is a closed group, available to members only. Info on how to join on page.

http://www.afsp.org
There is a a menu on the left hand side of the page. Click 'support groups'. When that page opens, there are options for online or finding a support group. Selecting 'finding a support group' has a button that says 'select state', if you click that the first choice available is International. There are a few possibilities in BC (I think that's where you're located) that might interest you.

My thoughts are with you.