I miss her

[Roadtrip]

My mom (and sister) have fought battles with depression for some time. When I was little step-dad and mom would have a fight (he was an abusive alcoholic and would disappear for days, taking the only car we owned) over this or that and mom would get verbally and physically abused. She had threatened suicide on a number of occasions, even once trying to throw herself into traffic, but luckily we had lived on a small country road and the car stopped.

I was about eleven the night I entered her bedroom and found her with a shotgun and crying. She told me she was OK and just to go her her a washcloth to wipe her face, but something told me this time it felt different and don't leave that room so I refused to leave until I had the gun and took it away and hid it. Yes the gun was fully loaded and I'm very thankful to this day I was there, even tho the thought of an eleven year old child taking away a loaded gun from a suicidal mother is a horrible one, the thought of loosing my mom is even worse.

We finally left him and started a new life and mom is much better. Still has depression, but is on meds and is better able to cope, so things are much better. I can honestly say I never really deep down to the core hated anyone except that man. I don't know what was harder, the moment with my mom or when I was 18 and years after the separation, when mom wanted to ask for a divorce. She wanted to see if he would be agreeable without courts and costly lawyers, but the entire time I had a loaded 45 under my coat, tho nobody KNEW how much hatred I had in my heart for that man. I had visions of using that gun on him and how easily it would be to take his life, but either my better senses took over or fear, but after that I realized I had to let it go and stop living with all the hatred from the past. I had to MOVE on myself.

I am so sorry for your loss. If a loved one gets sick and we loose them, we can blame the cancer, doctors, or even God. When they take their own life the only one we can blame is them or ourselves for not doing something to prevent it.

Sending hugs your way,
Shannon

[nancielle]

I can't begin to imagine the pain that you feel. I do agree with the suggestion of seeking a support group to help you through this. I do volunteer with a suicide prevention group in my area. Here are some resources that might be of help:

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-survivors-forum.html
This is a closed group, available to members only. Info on how to join on page.

http://www.afsp.org
There is a a menu on the left hand side of the page. Click 'support groups'. When that page opens, there are options for online or finding a support group. Selecting 'finding a support group' has a button that says 'select state', if you click that the first choice available is International. There are a few possibilities in BC (I think that's where you're located) that might interest you.

My thoughts are with you.