I miss her

[shootingstar]

SheFly, somehow I knew our paths would cross again here. I share the depth of sadness with you.

Well true, busyiness are great distractions. But the right activity if done in judicious measure and if you love doing it, shouldn't stop you. Cycling should not be dismissed, but keeps you afloat health-wise. I know it does for me. Today I rode a slow 6 kms. to the grocery store so that I could avoid the ice.

She is the little girl, smaller than me in this black 'n white photo. Cuter than fat-headed me. She is looking directly at the photographer with a wistful expression on her child-face:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=29072

I seem to only sleep fully, half the nights so far in past 2 months. Since I am the eldest, whatever clothing I wore, she would be next in line to get the hand-me down. That is I guess, the closeness due to birth order, etc.

I lead a very simple life these days. Many trivialities fall by the wayside when something like this happens. I don't have a tv, I don't twitter/facebook..I don't have /want these distractions. I like to make each day count, each word I write, worthwhile.
I won't be blogging on stories related to my sister nor some sort memorial post. It's hard to contain the lifelong knowledge of a person into 1 pithy post/story. Instead maybe weave more personal /family details in general in some of the writings. I've already begun this in some of my recent posts across the 2 blogs.

That's great you did the walk, SheFly. I haven't thought that far. My sister's ashes were buried just last weekend.

[badger]

shootingstar, I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is painful enough but to lose one to suicide is just so tragic. Take care.

[Koronin]

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry for your loss. I almost lost one of my two sisters 2 years ago, although not to suicide. She has Crohn's disease which although she went to the emergency room was sent home and had to go to another hospital emergency room. It went undiagnosed for several months to the point where she was bed ridden for two months and almost dead when she went to the ER of the hospital that finally diagnosed her. This was less than 2 weeks after a different hospital sent her home telling her it was all in her head and there was nothing wrong with her. She is bi-polar and they didn't want to believe she had a real issue.

[SheFly]

Well true, busyiness are great distractions. But the right activity if done in judicious measure and if you love doing it, shouldn't stop you. Cycling should not be dismissed, but keeps you afloat health-wise. I know it does for me. Today I rode a slow 6 kms. to the grocery store so that I could avoid the ice.

Oh - trust me - riding my bike has been my savior more than once. The week after my brother's funeral, I rode more miles than I had all year, and even doubled up long rides and hard efforts. My point on the busy-ness was more that it was my way of avoiding having to deal with the emotions - it all just caught up with me this year, and has been quite difficult.

She is the little girl, smaller than me in this black 'n white photo. Cuter than fat-headed me. She is looking directly at the photographer with a wistful expression on her child-face:

I don't know about cuter . I have included two pictures of my brother and I - the first is from 1974, and the second from 1995.

I seem to only sleep fully, half the nights so far in past 2 months. Since I am the eldest, whatever clothing I wore, she would be next in line to get the hand-me down. That is I guess, the closeness due to birth order, etc.

I lead a very simple life these days. Many trivialities fall by the wayside when something like this happens. I don't have a tv, I don't twitter/facebook..I don't have /want these distractions. I like to make each day count, each word I write, worthwhile.
I won't be blogging on stories related to my sister nor some sort memorial post. It's hard to contain the lifelong knowledge of a person into 1 pithy post/story. Instead maybe weave more personal /family details in general in some of the writings. I've already begun this in some of my recent posts across the 2 blogs.

The sleep will come, eventually. I don't envy you being alone in a city that is not home. I know that even surrounded by friends, I have felt completely alone many times in the past 1.5 years. My best advice is to get yourself to a support group if you can find one in the area - talking to others who understand the pain of suicide will certainly help.

As for me, my writing has suffered. I have only written that one blog post about my brother since his death, and there will be no others. In fact, my blog has been stagnant most of the year - I simply haven't felt like writing anything, which for me, is not a good sign. You are right that taking the life of someone and attempting to put it into one blog post is impossible.

That's great you did the walk, SheFly. I haven't thought that far. My sister's ashes were buried just last weekend.

Thanks. But know that the walk was over a year AFTER I lost my brother. In time, you will be ready to deal with this in your own way.

I'm sorry that we have this in common, Shootingstar. But, I am here for you as you go through the healing process.

SheFly

[shootingstar]

Oh - trust me - riding my bike has been my savior more than once. The week after my brother's funeral, I rode more miles than I had all year, and even doubled up long rides and hard efforts. My point on the busy-ness was more that it was my way of avoiding having to deal with the emotions - it all just caught up with me this year, and has been quite difficult.

As for me, my writing has suffered. I have only written that one blog post about my brother since his death, and there will be no others. In fact, my blog has been stagnant most of the year - I simply haven't felt like writing anything, which for me, is not a good sign. You are right that taking the life of someone and attempting to put it into one blog post is impossible.

SheFly

Writing is at this time, abit therapeutic for me, since I indulge in subjects and good memories, experiences in general. I don't write on movie stars, news events, anyway. I seldom discuss home life in my blog posts, but instead if useful/worthwhile relate a personal memory or fragment of personal history that relates to the subject matter....whether it's food, farmers market, seeing certain art, etc. I don't view at this time, my blogs as journals simply because I find to do journal-writing on a public blog, the quality of my writing degrades: I become repetitive and careless in style and grammar. No effort to think through what I'm writing. Who wants to read that?

When I bike, I do think /remember certain things. That sort of stuff hasn't surfaced in blog posts yet unless again, it relates the main focus of the post article itself.

It may appear to others, that I seem to be in a denial at this time, to write on lighter subjects. But it is the open Internet, full of strangers, etc.

As I said, there are 2 children, her adult children, who surf the Internet. I have no interest in placing raw memories and discuss their mother in much detail at this time to the open Internet. If anything, they should have the cathartic "benefit" of being the ones to reveal to the rest of the world about their mother and more detailed memories of her first. They did start off with their euologies. In my heart, I know my sister knew her children did appreciate her when she was alive. If she only saw her own accomplishments properly...

Back to blog-writing, etc.: I suddenly realized even my happy photos and cycling trips with dearie ..is a snapshot captured in time..that things might/will be different 15-20-25 yrs. from now. We can only hope each of our health remains decent.
So if there's anyone here who has wanted to blog, but is procrastinating abit: do it. You will not regret it. It will become your personal legacy for loved ones.

I appreciate the virtual hugs which are shared with others here who have lost other loved ones.

[Roadtrip]

My mom (and sister) have fought battles with depression for some time. When I was little step-dad and mom would have a fight (he was an abusive alcoholic and would disappear for days, taking the only car we owned) over this or that and mom would get verbally and physically abused. She had threatened suicide on a number of occasions, even once trying to throw herself into traffic, but luckily we had lived on a small country road and the car stopped.

I was about eleven the night I entered her bedroom and found her with a shotgun and crying. She told me she was OK and just to go her her a washcloth to wipe her face, but something told me this time it felt different and don't leave that room so I refused to leave until I had the gun and took it away and hid it. Yes the gun was fully loaded and I'm very thankful to this day I was there, even tho the thought of an eleven year old child taking away a loaded gun from a suicidal mother is a horrible one, the thought of loosing my mom is even worse.

We finally left him and started a new life and mom is much better. Still has depression, but is on meds and is better able to cope, so things are much better. I can honestly say I never really deep down to the core hated anyone except that man. I don't know what was harder, the moment with my mom or when I was 18 and years after the separation, when mom wanted to ask for a divorce. She wanted to see if he would be agreeable without courts and costly lawyers, but the entire time I had a loaded 45 under my coat, tho nobody KNEW how much hatred I had in my heart for that man. I had visions of using that gun on him and how easily it would be to take his life, but either my better senses took over or fear, but after that I realized I had to let it go and stop living with all the hatred from the past. I had to MOVE on myself.

I am so sorry for your loss. If a loved one gets sick and we loose them, we can blame the cancer, doctors, or even God. When they take their own life the only one we can blame is them or ourselves for not doing something to prevent it.

Sending hugs your way,
Shannon

[nancielle]

I can't begin to imagine the pain that you feel. I do agree with the suggestion of seeking a support group to help you through this. I do volunteer with a suicide prevention group in my area. Here are some resources that might be of help:

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-survivors-forum.html
This is a closed group, available to members only. Info on how to join on page.

http://www.afsp.org
There is a a menu on the left hand side of the page. Click 'support groups'. When that page opens, there are options for online or finding a support group. Selecting 'finding a support group' has a button that says 'select state', if you click that the first choice available is International. There are a few possibilities in BC (I think that's where you're located) that might interest you.

My thoughts are with you.