Limewave, I hear and feel your frustration and exhaustion. I've never heard of ODD but I have had similar problems with my 4 1/2 year old. Perhaps not to the same extent but what you described is close to home.

I too tried time outs and (cringe) spanking which we no longer do, taking away tv and toys. The time outs were the biggest bust since they just became full blown power struggles to stay. Yet at preK and childcare not a problem. So we don't do time outs anymore.

Instead I changed my approach. When I see my son start to get in his mood I soften my voice, speak firmly but lovingly and get close to him. Sometimes he needs to cry a bit, get a little frustration out but I remain calm. Then I ask him what the problem is/needs, acknowledge what it is and then state what needs to be done.

For example, it's time to put toys away and he doesn't want to and the screaming starts. We do our thing and if he still continues, then I take away his favorite thing of the moment. I calmly tell him why, do it and step away for a minute or two if he's still crying and screaming (this helps me stay calm too). After a few minutes he calms down, comes over and says sorry. Then we continue on and the favorite is still put away. After the appropriate time (usually a day) I tell him he has been listening and doing a good job of putting toys away and give him the item back.

It goes like this back and forth. He's not the perfect little boy but we get better results faster and the house is calmer.

Also, when I am tired and at my limit, I have screamed and yelled which only made the situation worse. I have gone to him and said I am sorry for yelling at him, I was tired (or whatever was going on at the time) and that it was wrong of me to do that to him. He then hugs me, tells me its ok and can I sit down and play with him so I can feel better.

This approach is just a thought. There are many good ideas listed here. It may be one or a combination of things to work. It took a lot of trial and error for us to find what works. And what does not work one week, may work in another. I'm sure you know about that all too well.

Don't sweat it about this being a cycling forum. We may cycle but we also have LOTS of moms out there who can relate

Good luck and keep us posted.
DT