First off, hugs. It's so hard to have to face something like this. I had some similar issues with my older son (now 11). I remember holding the door closed for time outs, while he was screaming and trying to get out on the other side. I also wound up yelling a lot--I never spanked, but my yelling was like a slap in the face. That was definitely not how I had envisioned motherhood or the kind of mother I thought I would be. It was just awful. He and I are both strong-willed and somewhat controlling, and we would just spiral down into these power struggles.

I eventually figured out that it was best to avoid the struggles--not in the sense of walking on egg shells, but simply to prevent nonproductive conflict. A book I found helpful in that area was Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles. For me, it was important to figure out what we did that got us into the struggles and then find ways to either ignore the trigger when it happened or redirect (though I have to say I'm not good at redirecting). It was also important for me to realize I could say, "I'm really upset right now, so we're going to deal with this later when we're both calmer." You don't have to set consequences in the moment. You can walk away and come back later.

I also found that sometimes my son was right--that what I wanted to have happen wasn't what he needed in the moment, and frequently what I was trying to do wasn't that important. It's not that he won or was controlling me, but that he had a legitimate reason for whatever it was he wanted or needed, and it just took me a while to see it. Once he knew I was willing to listen to (and hear) his needs, he was more cooperative. For example, when he was around 8, he refused to go to his annual medical check. My first thought was that I would take him kicking and screaming if I had to, but instead I calmly sat down and asked some questions to figure out why he didn't want to go. It turned out he didn't want the doctor checking his privates, so we agreed that he would go to the appointment but ask the doctor to skip that part as it really wasn't necessary. Problem solved without the usual power struggle.

I can also tell you it does get better. My son is still fairly quick-tempered, strong-willed, and controlling. That's just his personality. But he is also a delightful member of our family, and we have a lot of fun together.