loaner to couple: desperately seeking advice

[OakLeaf]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

For all we go over and over it, I don't seem to be able to explain that normal people have jobs, normal couples have one job each, and my 2-3 hours a week job and 12-20 hours a week training are NOT what's keeping DH from doing what he wants to do.

[shootingstar]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

This is something, that if it's the right chemistry between 2 loners, they still carry on some of their "loner' activities by themselves or with other friends, along with shared interests as a couple.

I am always intrigued to hear of some people who are "lost" when they can't stand their partner taking a business or bike trip for a few days/weeks. And these are couples who don't have children at home anymore (or never had any). And I know it's not really a trust issue. It's because the person is more social, feels alone.

[TsPoet]

I'm very glad I posted this initial plee, just because of all of the answers and perspectives. I'm not the oddball I thought I was.
I hated, then loved this video. In the end, I just loved it.
"how to be alone" by Tanya Davis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, I am one of those people who doesn't like it at all when DH goes away. And you are right, it's because I am very social and we spend tons of time together, which fulfills social needs. When he goes away, I make lots of social plans and the time goes quickly. Otherwise, I don't like the emptiness and quiet of the house. I like my "home" or quiet time, because I have and had a career where I am dealing with difficult people. I feel like my home is my oasis, and pretty much why I don't want to move to the city (besides the cycling!). I like the quiet atmosphere, but I don't like being alone. When I was single I was always out with people, even though I lived alone for 3 years.
My DH traveled so much during fifteen years of our thirty year marriage; now I wouldn't like that at all. But, I was working and had growing kids during that time.
I'm the one who is always making plans, whether to ride, go out to dinner, travel, etc. DH likes to putter around the house, as he is very mechanical. But, he is pretty social, too. It's not that I don't go places alone, but, I get lonely very easily. I wonder if it's because I was an only child for 11 years; the way I dealt with that was by having tons of friends and having sleepovers/going out with friends every Friday & Saturday when I was a kid.

[evangundy]

Hi TS - the best words of advice I have is to keep the lines of communication open, be totally honest, but don't try to push for or against changes in the relationship too fast. You have been friends for quite awhile, so you really do know each other well. You are both used to being on your own, so don't rush changes. There's nothing that says you "have to" move on to the next step of becoming a couple, unless it's what you both want.

I personally know quite a few couples who have been together for years, but live in separate homes. They see each other exclusively, overnight at each other's places, vacation together, attend family gatherings as a couple, but by living in their own places, they still have that alone time and keep their own space to themselves. It can work that way for you, if that is what you both want.

Part of making a relationship work, is compromise, but it has to be by both people. Take small steps, see how it feels, then decide whether to back up, stay there for awhile, or take the next small step....... wash - rinse - repeat :-)

Edna (ps: knowing you both, I'm thinking it's gonna work out just fine)

[shootingstar]

I personally know quite a few couples who have been together for years, but live in separate homes. They see each other exclusively, overnight at each other's places, vacation together, attend family gatherings as a couple, but by living in their own places, they still have that alone time and keep their own space to themselves. It can work that way for you, if that is what you both want.

Part of making a relationship work, is compromise, but it has to be by both people. Take small steps, see how it feels, then decide whether to back up, stay there for awhile, or take the next small step....... wash - rinse - repeat :-)

Edna (ps: knowing you both, I'm thinking it's gonna work out just fine)

We're were like that TS, before we both moved to Vancouver. I bought my own home about 6 months before he entered into my life. I had sort of 'given up' meeting any special guy in my life.

But after knowing him more, it was really a matter of independence and personal pride for me to keep, live in for several years and pay for my own home. I'm so glad I did this..it was important to me ..for self-growth.

When there is no biological ticking...you have tons of time to know each other.

[evangundy]

So, curious minds wanna know - how are things going? Yes, it's none of my business, and you don't hafta tell me. Just wondering because I care.
Edna
PS: do you have any idea how hard it has been to not tell anyone else? But I have been good, and told no one :-)