loaner to couple: desperately seeking advice

[arielmoon]

I guess I'd say - go for it, life is short - but pick your battles and keep your perspective about what's really important. i sometimes think it's easier to become a couple or move in with someone when you're younger and you really don't have a set routine or a set organizational scheme...

I've just listened to a friend rant for 2 days after she flew cross country to spend 5 days with a guy (they're all in love and the rest of that)... She felt very uncomfortable and unwanted in his apartment/space because he had a rule that the toilet seat lid had to be down, chided her everytime she forgot & kept a running percentage of her success rate, was upset she cooked eggs because he hated the smell (so wouldn't leave his bedroom till she'd cooked and eaten them and washed up), and was upset she drank milk. and would only watch certain tv shows after sunset with all the lights off, and other neurotic things. Her mp3 player couldn't be hooked to his stereo so he could listen to her music, because it would ruin the impedance. So - it was pretty obvious that he was completely not used to having anyone in his space... So... I would say, don't be that guy.

OMG, I think I am that guy!!

And I am a loner. I think if I met the right guy I would feel differently but now I am happy this way.

[OakLeaf]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

For all we go over and over it, I don't seem to be able to explain that normal people have jobs, normal couples have one job each, and my 2-3 hours a week job and 12-20 hours a week training are NOT what's keeping DH from doing what he wants to do.

[shootingstar]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

This is something, that if it's the right chemistry between 2 loners, they still carry on some of their "loner' activities by themselves or with other friends, along with shared interests as a couple.

I am always intrigued to hear of some people who are "lost" when they can't stand their partner taking a business or bike trip for a few days/weeks. And these are couples who don't have children at home anymore (or never had any). And I know it's not really a trust issue. It's because the person is more social, feels alone.

[TsPoet]

I'm very glad I posted this initial plee, just because of all of the answers and perspectives. I'm not the oddball I thought I was.
I hated, then loved this video. In the end, I just loved it.
"how to be alone" by Tanya Davis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, I am one of those people who doesn't like it at all when DH goes away. And you are right, it's because I am very social and we spend tons of time together, which fulfills social needs. When he goes away, I make lots of social plans and the time goes quickly. Otherwise, I don't like the emptiness and quiet of the house. I like my "home" or quiet time, because I have and had a career where I am dealing with difficult people. I feel like my home is my oasis, and pretty much why I don't want to move to the city (besides the cycling!). I like the quiet atmosphere, but I don't like being alone. When I was single I was always out with people, even though I lived alone for 3 years.
My DH traveled so much during fifteen years of our thirty year marriage; now I wouldn't like that at all. But, I was working and had growing kids during that time.
I'm the one who is always making plans, whether to ride, go out to dinner, travel, etc. DH likes to putter around the house, as he is very mechanical. But, he is pretty social, too. It's not that I don't go places alone, but, I get lonely very easily. I wonder if it's because I was an only child for 11 years; the way I dealt with that was by having tons of friends and having sleepovers/going out with friends every Friday & Saturday when I was a kid.

[evangundy]

Hi TS - the best words of advice I have is to keep the lines of communication open, be totally honest, but don't try to push for or against changes in the relationship too fast. You have been friends for quite awhile, so you really do know each other well. You are both used to being on your own, so don't rush changes. There's nothing that says you "have to" move on to the next step of becoming a couple, unless it's what you both want.

I personally know quite a few couples who have been together for years, but live in separate homes. They see each other exclusively, overnight at each other's places, vacation together, attend family gatherings as a couple, but by living in their own places, they still have that alone time and keep their own space to themselves. It can work that way for you, if that is what you both want.

Part of making a relationship work, is compromise, but it has to be by both people. Take small steps, see how it feels, then decide whether to back up, stay there for awhile, or take the next small step....... wash - rinse - repeat :-)

Edna (ps: knowing you both, I'm thinking it's gonna work out just fine)

[shootingstar]

I personally know quite a few couples who have been together for years, but live in separate homes. They see each other exclusively, overnight at each other's places, vacation together, attend family gatherings as a couple, but by living in their own places, they still have that alone time and keep their own space to themselves. It can work that way for you, if that is what you both want.

Part of making a relationship work, is compromise, but it has to be by both people. Take small steps, see how it feels, then decide whether to back up, stay there for awhile, or take the next small step....... wash - rinse - repeat :-)

Edna (ps: knowing you both, I'm thinking it's gonna work out just fine)

We're were like that TS, before we both moved to Vancouver. I bought my own home about 6 months before he entered into my life. I had sort of 'given up' meeting any special guy in my life.

But after knowing him more, it was really a matter of independence and personal pride for me to keep, live in for several years and pay for my own home. I'm so glad I did this..it was important to me ..for self-growth.

When there is no biological ticking...you have tons of time to know each other.

[indysteel]

For whatever reason, I want to clarify that I wasn't a "loner" before I got married. I was single, which is different. I had (and still do) any number of deeply gratifying friendships and a strong social circle. My biggest challenge as a newlywed has been finding enough time to nurture my marriage, as well as those friendships. Both are vitally important to me.

Thankfully, I do have DH's support in maintaining those friendships, but I find myself pressed for time and energy. Over the last couple of months, I've tried to make a greater effort to invest more energy into my friendships. Admittedly though, it's never going to be easy, especially given that I live about 25 miles south of most of my friends now. But having my husband in my life--as wonderful he is--simply does not answer all of my emotional or intellectual needs. I didn't want or expect it to.