loaner to couple: desperately seeking advice

[TsPoet]

I’m 44 and I’ve always been a selfish loner. I started espousing the value of NOT being a couple when I was 12 (or so I’m told), but I really believe that. I honestly believe that coupling up is something that we are sold and it isn’t necessary or even a benefit. I don’t want to be taken care of and I don’t want to take care of anyone else.
I’m hoping there is someone here that has experienced being a loner to being a couple that can tell me how it worked out (especially when they were old and set in their ways). I’ll happily read anyone’s thoughts on how to live with someone else, regardless of their history.
A few years ago I met a guy via bikejournal. He moved to the same town that I live in (coincidence), so we decided to get together for a ride now and again. For the last couple of years we’ve been friends, very recently our relationship changed. We went from casual friends to a whole lot more in a split second. I can’t believe this and I am flummoxed and confused and tired of arguing with myself – break up with him (I don’t want to, I really l,l,l,lo,lo,like him), tell him that I want to continue, but not so seriously (but I really don’t want to lose him), jump off the bridge and try to be a couple (but, the thought of having someone around all the time makes me a little nauseous, and if I fail then I’ll lose him as a friend).
(there are a few on here who know me, and probably know who I’m talking about and I’m hoping they will be very careful about mentioning this post to anyone, even their wonderful DH since we are all active on other bike forums and facebook friends).

[Veronica]

When I first read this I thought you were trying to loan yourself to a couple - which just seemed weird.

I've been with my husband since 1983 - certainly not a loner. However, if you find someone who makes you happy and brings joy to your life, I think you should enjoy it. For however long it lasts.

Why does something have to change now? Can't you continue as more than casual friends? Have you said anything to him about how you feel? If he knows you at all, he's going to know about your previous loner status. Talking about how you're excited and happy but also nervous and concerned about the future might help.

My husband is my best friend. He hears all my weirded out thoughts. Poor guy...

Veronica

[ny biker]

Um, talk to him about it? As in, I'm so used to being on my own that I'm nervous about being part of a couple and I don't want to mess it up.

Oops I just saw that Veronica said this much better than I did. So -- what she said!

[TsPoet]

When I first read this I thought you were trying to loan yourself to a couple - which just seemed weird.

Veronica

Considering my level of education... my spelling is terrible. Gave myself a good laugh anyway.

Thanks - logic is to talk to him, I'm a coward. When he gets back from RAO (Race across Oregon, he's crewing) this weekend, I'll do that. He's still here now, but I'll procrastinate until he's back.

[Veronica]

Gave myself a good laugh anyway.

Good!

Veronica

[shootingstar]

Let us know later.
And make you sure you do want you really want. ('Course it's nice if you knew what he wants long-term.)

Trust in the goodness of each other..whatever the end result if each of your intentions are genuine and you always communicate with one another.

I consider myself more on the loner, independent side..just a couple of close friends makes me happy and loving family also, ..plus him. He is similar to me,...both of us friendly hermits that like to socialize with good people. We joke happily with one another about being the slightly hermity couple.

If this makes any sense. I didn't meet dearie until I was 31.

[indysteel]

I was an independent 38-year old when I met my now husband. We dated from about an hour's distance for about 15 months before buying a home together last September. We married in February. It was A LOT of change in a short period od time.

The adjustment wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be, largely because he understands and respects my independence. He's neither clingy nor needy. We spend a lot of time together, but there's space and time for us to pursue our own interests. He also respects that I have my own opinions, ways of doing things, points of view, etc. He's never implicitly or explicitly suggested that I become something other than what I am. I love him for a lot of reasons, but this is one of the biggies.

I honestly don't feel like I've lost who I was before. I sometimes have to make an effort to stay in touch with "her," but I had to do that at times when I was single, too. Single or married, I will always a work in progress--work that I thrill in doing. I luckily married someone who supports my efforts.

I'm also more than I was before. Not because I'm part of a couple per se, but because I gave myself some room to surprise myself and grow. Loving someone and letting someone love you is a beautiful thing.

So, if you want to pursue this relationship, give it a shot. Be honest with him, and trust that you can do this on your terms. If he's right for you, he'll get that. If he's not right for you, you might still learn something about yourself along the way.

I will say this, too. If you're not ready for this, that's just fine, too. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

[Irulan]

Nicely put, Indysteel. I think one has to make allowances to grow and change, and not get locked into an idea that we had at one point that we thought was going to define us for the rest of our life.

[badger]

if the nature of the relationship changed recently, what is the rush?

You can spend time as you have before, keep dating, and when you feel you've reached another level, then you should think about living with someone. Or do you mean living with someone IN your life?

My advice is to just take it slow and don't do anything rash.

[Cataboo]

I guess I'd say - go for it, life is short - but pick your battles and keep your perspective about what's really important. i sometimes think it's easier to become a couple or move in with someone when you're younger and you really don't have a set routine or a set organizational scheme...

I've just listened to a friend rant for 2 days after she flew cross country to spend 5 days with a guy (they're all in love and the rest of that)... She felt very uncomfortable and unwanted in his apartment/space because he had a rule that the toilet seat lid had to be down, chided her everytime she forgot & kept a running percentage of her success rate, was upset she cooked eggs because he hated the smell (so wouldn't leave his bedroom till she'd cooked and eaten them and washed up), and was upset she drank milk. and would only watch certain tv shows after sunset with all the lights off, and other neurotic things. Her mp3 player couldn't be hooked to his stereo so he could listen to her music, because it would ruin the impedance. So - it was pretty obvious that he was completely not used to having anyone in his space... So... I would say, don't be that guy.

[shootingstar]

Jeepers, Catriona I hope your friend breaks off with this guy. It's just so wrong.

I can see the other side where some women are incredibly picky. One good friend who ..is in her early '70's, knows she's a neat freak. And she knows it probably affected her status...as someone who remains single.

Now, dearie is actually neat and organized against slobby me. It's a good thing we don't have young children living with us. It wouldn't be a great situation. So we have our corners of organization and mess. And common areas of relative neatness.

I believe he would be way more freakishly neat...but having had 2 children earlier in his life in his previous marriage, probably tempered this tendency big time plus makes him abit more flexible how he views the world.

We're both first-borns in our respective families...which is why we each have independent tendencies.

[uforgot]

Oh I hear you! I am such a loner. Married, divorced, but I think the marriage lasted as long as it did because we did nothing together, so it was just the kids and me and I was perfectly happy with that. After divorce a long distance relationship for 6 years, and I was content with sporadic contact. I told him that if we were ever lived in the same town I would probably have to have my own place.

I read "Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto" a few years ago, and I feel so much better about it. I highly recommend reading it. The book addresses marriage, friendship, and lots of other things from someone who understands.

http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Mani...9841812&sr=8-1

[Zen]

I'm sure I couldn't share a house with anyone for more than a few days.
You keep your space, he keeps his.

I don't want to clean someone elses dirt out of my bathtub.

Loners of the world unite!

Wait. That's not right.

[indysteel]

I'll add I am very happy living alone.

Most of the time.

I was, too. I'm also happy now. Thankfully, it wasn't an either/or. Granted, I'm still in the honeymoon phase, but it "domestic" life hasn't been too difficult. There were moment while unpacking (his stuff) that I thought "OMG, what am I doing? I don't want his tacky decor!" I'm sure he's had similar moments. Like today: he cleaned up my elderly cat's massive vomit all over the house when he got home from work.

That's love!

[Irulan]

I started espousing the value of NOT being a couple when I was 12 (or so I’m told), but I really believe that. I honestly believe that coupling up is something that we are sold and it isn’t necessary or even a benefit. I don’t want to be taken care of and I don’t want to take care of anyone else.

I re-read this just to go back to the beginning, and what really struck me is that you say you've had this belief since you were almost before a teen, and also you say that the thought having someone around all the time makes you nauseous

Maybe it's a scary thought, but you might go back to what happened in your life to plant this idea in you, and why you've clung to it so mightily. Not that there's anything wrong with choosing singlehood, but it sounds like maybe you are starting to question this long held belief, and that just maybe you don't want to screw up what could be a good thing because you've closed yourself off to that possibility. Haha, as usual I am going to suggest some personal counseling, taking a look at this core value, where it came from and if it is still valid for where you are now in your life.