Amateur Bike Racer w/non biking spouse

[Kubla]

Your story struck a familiar chord and could have been written by me 20+ years ago. However, I agree with those who suggest counseling before giving up completely.

It can be very difficult when one's SO or spouse doesn't understand one's passions-and even worse when they are not supportive of them. My ex was a couch potato whose idea of a good time was sitting in front of the TV for hours with a box of Cheez-Its. He wanted me to spend my time the same way, so he felt threatened by my hobbies and activities. Whenever I lost weight and people complimented me, he said that I was "too thin."

Always jealous of my dogs and horse, he was also resentful of my horseback riding, bowling, needlework and reading. I can't count the number of times he sabotaged my plans-even though he knew in advance where I was going. As soon as he saw me heading out the door, he would find some way to hold things up. If I was entered in a dog show (only a few times during the warmer months) he'd stay in bed while I struggled to get all the equipment in the car, then would miraculously appear when it was all packed and ask if I needed help. Needless to say, he never showed up to watch us compete.

Over 15 years it was a battle to find the balance that would let me be even a fraction of the person I wanted to be-while attempting to keep his extreme neediness at a manageable level. I finally gave up when I realized I'd lost so much of "me" that there wasn't any more to give to someone else.

I hope you are able to work things out-but not at the expense of your identity.

[redrhodie]

I was just looking at this book in a bookstore:

http://www.bikeforlifebook.com/homepage.asp

There's a chapter that I think was titled "rolling relationships" which gives advice about your exact problem, which they refer to as "CWS" or cycling widow(er) syndrome. It's evidently a common problem for racers. I didn't read much, but it looked well informed and I almost bought it (but there was a line ).

I also want to say good luck to you. This cannot be easy. I can see both sides, and you will have to work out a compromise. Each of you will have to give a little if you want your marriage to move forward.

[Crankin]

Well, truthfully, to answer Mimi's question, the kind of person who would want their partner to give up something that is so defining for them is a person who is lonely. A person who maybe isn't good at that particular activity, and it makes them feel badly, diminished. When you are so involved in something like racing (but it could be anything) it is all about you. I have known enough racers to know that it takes a certain kind of focus on yourself, which some people construe as selfish.
I know that I am very lucky, that DH and I share a passion, but sometimes, even we think we are a little nuts. That's when we say we want to have a day like "normal people" and we sit on the deck and drink wine. But, I am with my DH all of the time. It didn't used to be this way so much, when we had some separate interests. I rarely, I mean very rarely, go out with girlfriends, although I do ride with a few other people and ride with a group. Because we are together so much, I really would not like it, if all of a sudden he was off doing stuff without me. I would not want to be waiting for him to come home from an all day ride every Saturday or Sunday!
I am just playing devil's advocate. I should add that my DH traveled 4-5 days a week for at least 15 years out of our 30 year marriage. Maybe we are making up for lost time...

[Irulan]

Well, truthfully, to answer Mimi's question, the kind of person who would want their partner to give up something that is so defining for them is a person who is lonely. A person who maybe isn't good at that particular activity, and it makes them feel badly, diminished. When you are so involved in something like racing (but it could be anything) it is all about you. I have known enough racers to know that it takes a certain kind of focus on yourself, which some people construe as selfish.

well, if one is going to venture into dimestore analysis, sure "lonely" could be the reason but there's also control issues, insecurity, fear of abandonment, fear of change, fear of the unkown....

[Crankin]

It's true, change is hard for many, many people. I see it in my internship clients who come for therapy. I've seen a lot of change in my life and I am not sure how well I deal with it. I tend to "plow through" stuff, determined to deal with whatever comes my way, but in the end, I often end up with stress related physical complaints because of this. I don't like to spend time worrying about my choices!
But, I don't necessarily see it as control or fear of abandonment when someone wants to be with his/her SO and not be sitting alone at home waiting for him or her to return. I know some would suggest that the person sitting at home develop their own interests, but if this is not what you signed up for, yes, the rules have changed. This is why some people get divorced...
I guess i am lucky my DH feels the same way as me. Most of our closest friends are like us...

[snowroo]

, it's about you being more important than him. Or him feeling less important than you.

Or perhaps because he feels cyclng is more important than he is.

I think you have to think about

What makes you happy. What fills you up and evokes passion and excitement.

What are your priorities? What is most important to you in life.

How can you balance your priorities. Cycling competitively (in higher levels) is short term. Cycling competitively is not. Your level of competition and competitive goals change. I intend to compete till I die. I intend to stay married to this honey of a man I am proud to call husband forever.

Do you and your SO function as a team or individuals looking out to get individual needs met.

You might consider a frank and open discussion with him. What makes him happy. What does he want. What would happy married life look like to him. What does he need out of a relationship (note need not want). Wha does he want out of a relationship.

Negotiate. If your cycling is your priority and to meet your goals you can't give him what he needs then the ball is in his court to put up with it or leave. If a long term loving relationship is your priority then you might need to give a little. Give him an end date or an end goal that you work toward together. How much does he need. If he is your priority then your goals might have to change to competing against yourself (personal bests) or Mary Jones-Im-gonna-beat-you-this-time. Or change the type of race you compete in.

We want to have our cake (or powergel) and eat it too, but sometimes you can't. Darn it!

Your man probably feels bad right now. Of course he does. His world changed. He lost your time and attention. Now he's married to a hottie who he feels doesn't have time for him (just guessing). That leaves him in a pretty sucky place.

I would suggest counselling too, to figure out if there is a way for both of you to get your priorities figured out and both your needs met.

Good luck.

Be honest with yourself.

[smilingcat]

When one half of a couple is interested in a sport and other has no interest, it can be an emotional strain.

Lot of wonderful suggestion and especially from shefly and bicilista. One aspect of the typical relationship problem people have not voiced is maybe he is physically competitive in his mind.

Let me explain.

There are guys who feel that they have to be stronger, faster, and have more stamina than a woman. They may be a couch potato snorting Cheez-it in front of a TV. But when we the weaker sex starts out in endurance sport or in racing, their belief is shattered.

The reaction of SO are wildly varied. Some are okay with it, others react in negative fashion.

Irulan is so right. There may be some other issues and not just cycling. Counseling is in order.

FYI my ex didn't ride and when I said "I'll commute on my bike and you take the car to work... I would like to buy a new bike " $800 or so back 30 years ago. It didn't go over well. We ended up buying the sluggo a brand new racing bike. Bianchi. It was way too big for me to ride. Waste of money which we didn't have. and only one car.

Question for you is do you want to save your relationship? sounds like you do or you wouldn't be asking.

Will you be okay if you are limited in what you are allowed to do?

How would you feel if one day you wake up and realize that you let life slip by...

Is he more important in the long run?

Have you considered that racing season is just that a season when he sees a little less of you and will he be accepting of the compromise?

Again counseling is in order.

You are not alone, not the first, not the last with this perpetual problem we all face. There isn't a single answer. However, do pick the best solution that fits you.

Also look into training method which requires less time.

Wish you the best and welcome back to the forum.

[shootingstar]

For your hubby's sake, hope he finds a hobby/passion that is equal to your cycling passion.

What's going on with him, etc. really has nothing to do with your cycling or any other passion hobby /interest that you take up.

Wish you good counselling together if both of you are willing.

Am not sure but presumably you have 1-2 good cycling friends to talk about cycling with them often. It would be tiring to someone else who is not into cycling to hear about cycling often.


I share a cycling life with my partner. Neither of us compete but we're just long-time cyclists and his passion is greater in the sense that he is a cycling advocate working with municipalities for past ..well almost 2 decades.

I am not concerned for the future if we each lose our cycling passion/can no longer do it since we each already have 1-2 other non-cycling passions that we pursue also. It's just lying abit dormant at times, when cycling overtakes each of us.

Wishing you both lots of useful, thoughtful communication with one another at this time.

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, I like the way you stated this. Maybe more nicely than I did! My DH and I are pretty much like you and your partner, although our level of involvement is pretty much even... although DH commutes to work and I am in school and can't commute right now. I will go back to that when I get a job (one of my main requirements for employment is that it's easily accessible by bike).
Sometimes I think we are the only couple who is happy being together almost all of the time. Interestingly, both of my kids are the same way with their SOs. Despite having some different interests (including cycling), they still make the relationship a priority.
I remember, about 15 years ago, my mom told me a few months before she died, that DH and I should find a common interest to do together, as our kids were getting to the age where they were starting to go off on their own a lot more. Little did she know...