Amateur Bike Racer w/non biking spouse

[lph]

We talked a few days ago and the SO said being with me feels like living with super athlete/woman and that it can feel like a black hole where nothing but bike racing matters.

This I think is a very important quote. I don't think his feeling is about you having a passion he doesn't share, it's about you being more important than him. Or him feeling less important than you. If he feels that you and your interests are dominating the relationship and he's just a minor player, no matter if he's "right" or not, he will feel resentful. I think I would too, to be perfectly honest, if my dh suddenly turned passionate about something I had no way of sharing.

I don't have much good advice to give, except that I think this can be resolved if he can somehow either balance your interests with some of his own, or join you as a team player.

[snowroo]

, it's about you being more important than him. Or him feeling less important than you.

Or perhaps because he feels cyclng is more important than he is.

I think you have to think about

What makes you happy. What fills you up and evokes passion and excitement.

What are your priorities? What is most important to you in life.

How can you balance your priorities. Cycling competitively (in higher levels) is short term. Cycling competitively is not. Your level of competition and competitive goals change. I intend to compete till I die. I intend to stay married to this honey of a man I am proud to call husband forever.

Do you and your SO function as a team or individuals looking out to get individual needs met.

You might consider a frank and open discussion with him. What makes him happy. What does he want. What would happy married life look like to him. What does he need out of a relationship (note need not want). Wha does he want out of a relationship.

Negotiate. If your cycling is your priority and to meet your goals you can't give him what he needs then the ball is in his court to put up with it or leave. If a long term loving relationship is your priority then you might need to give a little. Give him an end date or an end goal that you work toward together. How much does he need. If he is your priority then your goals might have to change to competing against yourself (personal bests) or Mary Jones-Im-gonna-beat-you-this-time. Or change the type of race you compete in.

We want to have our cake (or powergel) and eat it too, but sometimes you can't. Darn it!

Your man probably feels bad right now. Of course he does. His world changed. He lost your time and attention. Now he's married to a hottie who he feels doesn't have time for him (just guessing). That leaves him in a pretty sucky place.

I would suggest counselling too, to figure out if there is a way for both of you to get your priorities figured out and both your needs met.

Good luck.

Be honest with yourself.

[smilingcat]

When one half of a couple is interested in a sport and other has no interest, it can be an emotional strain.

Lot of wonderful suggestion and especially from shefly and bicilista. One aspect of the typical relationship problem people have not voiced is maybe he is physically competitive in his mind.

Let me explain.

There are guys who feel that they have to be stronger, faster, and have more stamina than a woman. They may be a couch potato snorting Cheez-it in front of a TV. But when we the weaker sex starts out in endurance sport or in racing, their belief is shattered.

The reaction of SO are wildly varied. Some are okay with it, others react in negative fashion.

Irulan is so right. There may be some other issues and not just cycling. Counseling is in order.

FYI my ex didn't ride and when I said "I'll commute on my bike and you take the car to work... I would like to buy a new bike " $800 or so back 30 years ago. It didn't go over well. We ended up buying the sluggo a brand new racing bike. Bianchi. It was way too big for me to ride. Waste of money which we didn't have. and only one car.

Question for you is do you want to save your relationship? sounds like you do or you wouldn't be asking.

Will you be okay if you are limited in what you are allowed to do?

How would you feel if one day you wake up and realize that you let life slip by...

Is he more important in the long run?

Have you considered that racing season is just that a season when he sees a little less of you and will he be accepting of the compromise?

Again counseling is in order.

You are not alone, not the first, not the last with this perpetual problem we all face. There isn't a single answer. However, do pick the best solution that fits you.

Also look into training method which requires less time.

Wish you the best and welcome back to the forum.