Insulting compliments

[GLC1968]

Not in DC. Plenty of experienced riders do stupid and dangerous things around here.

So what? I don't care what someone's experience is - if they intentionally do something stupid or dangerous, they get no respect from me.

I'd be happy to 'insult' those people by assuming that they are newbies and making comments to that effect.

[ny biker]

So what? I don't care what someone's experience is - if they intentionally do something stupid or dangerous, they get no respect from me.

I'd be happy to 'insult' those people by assuming that they are newbies and making comments to that effect.

So now it's okay to intentionally insult people?

[GLC1968]

So now it's okay to intentionally insult people?

I'm not talking about intending to insult anyone. This thread is about UNintentionally insulting people, right? My comment was that there are certain people whom I don't really care if I accidentally insult them if I have a point to make.

If someone does something as a cyclist that is dangerous or stupid, it reflects on all of us. I don't care how much experience they have, if I have opportunity to say something about it, I will. I frankly don't care if what I say insults them, they need to be told. Sorry if that offends people, that's how I feel.

(this is why I put insult in quotes in my previous post - my intention wouldn't be to insult, it would be to inform)

[ny biker]

I'm not talking about intending to insult anyone. This thread is about UNintentionally insulting people, right? My comment was that there are certain people whom I don't really care if I accidentally insult them if I have a point to make.

If someone does something as a cyclist that is dangerous or stupid, it reflects on all of us. I don't care how much experience they have, if I have opportunity to say something about it, I will. I frankly don't care if what I say insults them, they need to be told. Sorry if that offends people, that's how I feel.

(this is why I put insult in quotes in my previous post - my intention wouldn't be to insult, it would be to inform)

I'm sorry but just because you see someone do something stupid, you can't assume intent or lack of knowledge -- they might have done something thoughtlessly or made a split-second decision and then realized that they made a mistake. This happens to me from time to time and I do my best to learn from it. It's ironic that you don't want me to make assumptions based on what I see when I look at you, but you think it's okay for you to make assumptions based on what you see when you look at someone else.

And I think I will never ever talk to strangers on a bike ride again because no matter how friendly I genuinely am trying to be, I apparently need to assume that the person will think my intent was to insult them.

[tulip]

To the OP and others who find such comments as in the original post offensive, perhaps this will help. It has helped me--I used to get really insecure at people's comments or actions, thinking the world--and everyone's else's world--revolved around me for better AND for worse. I finally got over that and realized that mostly people just don't notice the things I notice about myself.

You CANNOT control what other people think, do, or say. You CAN control your reaction to them. You have the choice to let the comment get to you, or you can Let. It. Go.

The choice is yours.

[Bike Chick]

You CANNOT control what other people think, do, or say. You CAN control your reaction to them. You have the choice to let the comment get to you, or you can Let. It. Go.

The choice is yours.

You are exactly right, Tulip, and I get my feelings hurt because of my own insecurities. We all encourage and support each other on this forum and are respectful of each other's feelings no matter what our fitness or experience levels are. Does anyone think that would be any different if we were on a group ride? I think people genuinely make an attempt to be supportive and friendly even though it may be received otherwise. How many times has someone said something to a group and you perceived it differently from someone else? It may just depend on what it going on in your head at that particular time.

[mstevens]

Wow, I wish I had read this thread a couple days ago. I've been looking for advice on how to get faster, because my BF finally got faster than me and it just makes me insane. I really needed to be better than him at something. Why? Because I'm insecure!

I got some great tips, and I know I can get faster. But I understand now that what was really pissing me off were his comments. He'd pull away, then wait for me and say something like, "How are you feeling today?" Sounds innocent, but he never asks that when I'm in front! Or, "Are you staying hydrated?" Gee, thanks for caring. Yes, I know how to take care of myself. I.e. I'm not a newbie, at least not compared to him.

But, relationship issues aside (and yes I'm considering couples counseling,) I really do get how a compliment or encouragement can feel like an insult. And it has alot to do with the stereotypical images we all carry around about what an athlete looks like. I sure don't look like one. More than once, when I've gone shopping for running shoes or some other athletic gear, the clerk has asked, "Is this for you?" Assuming, perhaps, that I'm shopping for a family member?

But we're all only human, and it's human to sort information into categories to try to make sense of it. Hence, stereotypes. My own best friend "forgot" that I had run for years, including a marathon, and introduced me to another friend as a new runner at an event. Not much we can do, except speak our truth when we can, and forgive our fellow humans!

[GLC1968]

I'm sorry but just because you see someone do something stupid, you can't assume intent or lack of knowledge -- they might have done something thoughtlessly or made a split-second decision and then realized that they made a mistake. This happens to me from time to time and I do my best to learn from it. It's ironic that you don't want me to make assumptions based on what I see when I look at you, but you think it's okay for you to make assumptions based on what you see when you look at someone else.

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

My only assumption was when you talked about "plenty of experienced riders who do stupid and dangerous things" you meant that they were doing those things on purpose.

If you meant otherwise, then I misunderstood.

[Crankin]

Yes, when a faster person says, "good job," to me I am pissed that they are faster. It feels condescending. Good job at what? Being slower than them? They don't know anything about me.
I realize quite well that this is in my head. But, I don't think some realize how this can make someone feel, when you are trying as hard as you can and can't go any faster, for whatever reason.
Most of the time, I don't want to be going faster than I am at any given moment. But, I would appreciate, a "hello", or "nice day" comment more than "good job." I know when I pass someone going slower than me, I just say, "good morning", or whatever.

[Veronica]

Why does "good job" have to be about going fast? Why is everyone so obsessed with being fast? Okay, I get it, if you're racing. Yeah, I want to be fast when I'm competing. But if you're out there riding your bike for fun, why be obsessed with where you are on the road in comparison to someone else? There's a lot more to bike riding than the being the first one up the hill. I think it's a compliment unless you can hear the sarcasm in their voice. And if it's a total stranger, you have no way of knowing if that is their sarcastic voice or not.

And just for the record at every tri, when I'm looking around at all the twig girls who are guaranteed to kick my butt on the bike and the run I remind myself that MY race is not about them.

Veronica

[Zen]

So now it's okay to intentionally insult people?

Yes.
My go to insult is "you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny".
Or 'I know I am but what are you?"