Mom in turmoil/Daughter in Trouble

[bmccasland]

Gee this sounds familiar...

Been there, done that, but don't have a souvenir T-shirt to show for it. And I broke the cycle by not having children. Drastic measures, I know.

What I can add is only that unfortunately your older daughter grew up with the preception that that sort of treatment is to a certain extent "normal." I'm not saying she's a lost cause, but it's hard to break the cycle. Continue to a positive support to her, but make certain that you take care of you. Try not to cut the boyfriend down too much, that may chase her away, but to point out the positive things in her life. Lift her up, but don't put him down.

[zoom-zoom]

Notice the contrast between:
I tried to leave, and was told by my mom, to stay. Live with it. You can’t live here with me. Won’t help you pay for a divorce.

and

I have offered to help her find a place, to let her live with me, to help pay for things. To help her re-start her life.

This stuck out for me, too. Your DD is so lucky to have a mom who wants her to be safe and in a healthy relationship. Your support gives her incentive to be in a better place--you didn't have that. I hope she takes advantage of the gift you are giving her.

[ACG]

In response to you all. THANK YOU. It felt really good to talk to someone about this. Painful very. Frustrating yes.

Yes I've been to therapy, still go.

Yes I have suggested therapy, many, many times. I'm going to try my best to get her to go. She doesn't have a lot of faith in therapists probably dates back to experiences years ago when she saw her dad/me in therapy and how it didn't work. He fired almost all of our therapists.

We have grounds for restraining orders and civil harassment orders. However, she has to be willing to file it. The 19 year old doesn't want to file one because she feels that the boyfriend will take it out on her older sister. I have spoken to my lawyer and will keep necssary records, I know what to look for, I can have one filed in 24 hours if needed. But again both daughters are adults, they have to file the order, not me. I did get my oldest to agree to put her cell phone on my plan. Now I will have records of the multiple texts and phone calls, should it be needed for later.

He knows he isn't welcome at my home.

My daughter is 26, an adult. She can't be forced into anything. She has admitted to the youngest that she can't believe she is with someone who is just like her dad. She admitted to me in an e-mail that she needs to leave him.

I can predict the boyfriends actions, what he'll do/say in response to any/most know what to look for. He knows this, he is afraid of me. He won't even look me in the eye. I do not put the boyfriend down to my daughter. I do not try to tell her what she is doing wrong.

I am in a very loving relationship with a man, a widower who has a 7 year old. We are raising her together. I now have another child to think of. My Honey sat my 26 year old down and had a talk with her. He is really concerned for her and said a lot of the things I've said, but coming from him it probably sounded different. He told me/her. The day I moved in here, you, your mom, your sister, became my family. He offered to help her move out, go to her place and take all of her personal items for her. He told her - We are going to help you, take care of you, but you have to look at yourself and figure out what is best for you. This made me cry. Again she wants to have a plan before she moves out. So frustrating.

I am tense every morning until I get a text from her saying, she is okay. Today we are meeting to pick out new glasses for her.

She knows I am going to have a talk with her, we are planning on Sunday night.

I am a very direct person. People know exactly how I feel about things, if they ask me. I don't lie and I don't play their games. I avoid toxic people.

This is a much taboo subject to many people. It happens it is out there.

I have a trip planned to Europe, with my girls in the summer for two weeks. I think this will be a great way for us to spend some time together and be away from everything.

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers I am very overwhelmed by it. Audrey

[lph]

Audrey, I wish you were my mother.

[BikingNurse]

So sorry to hear about this. The only thing I can say is love her . When she is ready for the help. do NOT hold it over her. as in "I helped you". This will push her away, you may lose her.

[badger]

oh Audrey, if only all mothers had the same insight and understanding as you!

I hope that your daughter will admit soon that she needs help in getting out of the relationship. As beneficial as groups and therapies are, it's no good if she herself doesn't admit she needs help. She certainly has a lot of loving people to support her, I hope she realizes one day just how lucky she is to have that and she deserves so much more than to be with someone who doesn't support her.

But having you as a mother I have no doubt she will pull through!

[tctrek]

(((Audrey))) Your story is heart-breaking, but you are a good Mom and she will come around. The best thing you are doing is not judging her. You have extended open arms. I think that is lovely.

[Selkie]

Audrey, I wish you were my mother.

Me, too. You sound like an incredible person---very strong and brave. Sending you lots of good karma....

[Desert Tortoise]

Wow! You are an incredible woman and mom. You have fought a tough fight and came out triumphant. Your daughters see and will continue to see your fine example.

Your oldest is struggling now but with your open arms and family support she will find her way. It might not happen quickly or even the first time around but it sounds like she is becoming receptive. The fact the she remains close to you and her sister is very encouraging.

From what you describe, your current relationship is so much better. This could be an example of how a man/husband treats a woman. Does she spend time with you and your SO? Does she see how he treats you? Shouldn't be in her face but subtle. Maybe casual remarks about something small but loving he did for you.

With your love and support your daughter will find her path and be a better and stronger woman for it. I have faith she will. Afterall, look at her mom.