More Facebook Etiquette Questions

[TsPoet]

I've had several friends recently post eulogies on their facebook "wall".
"Dear Bill, I remember when...
you will be missed"

I wonder if you could do that - only your friends who know who Bill is would recognize exactly who you were talking about and it's a nice heart-felt way to express the information?
It could, also be an invasion of his family's privacy, but at least it'll be a nice one.

[Miranda]

+1 on when in doubt, ask those that matter the most in the situation...

You could simply ask the family in giving your condolences that is there anything they would like you to do in helping notify anyone of his death? And what should you share regarding the death? Their answer lies your answer of what to do. And sorry to hear about your friends death.

[MartianDestiny]

I've had several friends recently post eulogies on their facebook "wall".
"Dear Bill, I remember when...
you will be missed"

I wonder if you could do that - only your friends who know who Bill is would recognize exactly who you were talking about and it's a nice heart-felt way to express the information?
It could, also be an invasion of his family's privacy, but at least it'll be a nice one.

I've been on the receiving end of this (on a forum, not facebook, but same thing) and I'll just say it's a REALLY REALLY SUCKY way to find out someone you knew and cared about IRL (and in the present, not a past acquaintance) has passed on.

You're alone, there's no feedback/other person that even a phone call would replicate somewhat, and it's so horribly impersonal. After it sinks in you start wondering why you weren't called before it was announced to the world, why the news wasn't eased on you in a more personal manner, it's somewhat like adding insult to injury.

On the other hand I've stumbled on the memorial pages of highschool classmates that I may or may not have met and have no problems with that (but I hope all the relevant people were contacted before those pages went up). My guess is the stronger and more recent the relationship the more important it is that there's some sort of individualized notification rather than a facebook wall post.

Liza, if they knew him well (and reasonably recently) my advice is, if you are going to tell them at all, and must do it on facebook, make it a personal communication, maybe even leave a number they can reach you at (if you are comfortable with that and they don't already know it). Or better yet call them, or tactfully make sure someone else has.

[Biciclista]

it's a matter of public record when someone dies. If you are casual friends with these people, and they were friends of his 10 years ago, I'm sure they'd like to know (send them a private message)
I would feel really bad if someone I knew died and no one told me!

[Zen]

I vote with Mimi

[PamNY]

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It's not unusual to be uncertain of the right thing to do in these situations, and I think it's wonderful that you care. Mimi's advice sounds good to me.

[Tuckervill]

If you think they don't already know through other ways and you are the only connection for them to know, you should CALL them and find out if they heard the news. If they had heard the news, then you can comfort each other. If they had not, you can tell them what you know, including the cause of death, and then comfort each other.

I'm sorry you lost your friend.

Karen

[VeloVT]

Thanks for all of your responses. It's sort of hitting me finally, at first it was just words. "Bill" wasn't just an acquaintance. His mom and my mom were in the hospital together. We were two weeks apart, and celebrated a joint first birthday. All through elementary school, we spent pretty much every afternoon together, even in the summers. We traipsed through the woods, rode bikes together, spent afternoons in our basements building forts, and slept over at one anothers' houses long past when boys and girls usually stop this (though we were solely platonic friends).

The two friends with whom I wanted to share the information were not just random semi-acquaintances of his either. Throughout upper elementary school and junior high school, the four of us were more or less best friends. Everyone has had various issues and life paths and we haven't all stayed in touch as adults... but we were not just random classmates.

Bill's sister posted a message on his page and hers (I'm also friends with her) with a non-specific announcement of his death. I forwarded this to my two friends with a personal message and an offer to connect them with his parents if they wanted. I think it worked out alright. I just talked to one of them on the phone and he appreciated being told.

Indulge me:

1. Don't use drugs. Really, don't. Not worth it.
2. Love your friends and relatives who use drugs, and tell them so.
3. If you are ever tempted to feel dissatisfied with your life and your accomplishments (as I often am), PLEASE think about how very lucky you are to be able to go outside and feel the sunshine on your face, and talk to your loved ones, and all of the other things you can do that many other people can't. We take our lives and our luck for granted far too often.