More Facebook Etiquette Questions

[VeloVT]

Sometimes I'm pretty socially inept. I'm hoping maybe I can get the opinions of some people who are less socially inept than me.

I just learned that a very close childhood friend (I'll call him "Bill") died last night. We have been more like facebook acquaintances for the past 12 years or so (i.e. not really close), but we were quite close as kids and his father is best friends with my father, so there is still a connection that is closer than would otherwise be the case.

So, I'm facebook friends (but not really close, I don't ever email or call them) with two other childhood friends who were both close to me and close to Bill (and are Bill's Facebook friends as well).

I'm tempted to send private messages (through Facebook) to these friends letting them know that Bill died, because I think they would want to know and that Bill's parents would probably appreciate their thoughts. But:

1. It's all kinds of awkward. Once in a while I post something on these friends' walls, we wish each other happy birthday and "like" each other's posts, but that's kind of an illusion of closeness. Aside from the question of whether it is EVER appropriate to disclose death by Facebook, it's certainly strange to get a private message out of the blue with such startling information.

2. Bill died of a drug overdose. I don't know how his family will choose to talk about this outside the family (I know this because, as noted, his dad is very close to my parents). Of course I wouldn't mention the cause of death in my note, but since Bill is 30 and extremely fit (someone who led a very active, outdoorsy lifestyle), the omission would itself raise questions. Bill has had a long, brave struggle with addiction, and I assume (but don't know for a fact) that the other friends are at least vaguely aware of this (it started around the end of high school). In any case, I don't want to release any information, even if only by raising questions, that the family wouldn't want released or would want to release themselves.

Thoughts?

[shootingstar]

Do you feel comfortable asking a family member of his if it's ok that you can simply tell others he knew, that he died?

Or maybe if there was an obituary notice somewhere, you could provide if asked, but not post immediately.

That would end all questions on the validity of his death. No need to give reason to others for cause of death unless it is a family member willing to say what the cause was.

I'm not on Facebook. But similar stuff has sorta happened in another forum. Alot of internet "friends" might ask reason for death but then for lots of people, life continues onward unless they've met the person.

Interesting question, since now there are so many virtual friends because of the Internet.

[TsPoet]

I've had several friends recently post eulogies on their facebook "wall".
"Dear Bill, I remember when...
you will be missed"

I wonder if you could do that - only your friends who know who Bill is would recognize exactly who you were talking about and it's a nice heart-felt way to express the information?
It could, also be an invasion of his family's privacy, but at least it'll be a nice one.

[Miranda]

+1 on when in doubt, ask those that matter the most in the situation...

You could simply ask the family in giving your condolences that is there anything they would like you to do in helping notify anyone of his death? And what should you share regarding the death? Their answer lies your answer of what to do. And sorry to hear about your friends death.

[MartianDestiny]

I've had several friends recently post eulogies on their facebook "wall".
"Dear Bill, I remember when...
you will be missed"

I wonder if you could do that - only your friends who know who Bill is would recognize exactly who you were talking about and it's a nice heart-felt way to express the information?
It could, also be an invasion of his family's privacy, but at least it'll be a nice one.

I've been on the receiving end of this (on a forum, not facebook, but same thing) and I'll just say it's a REALLY REALLY SUCKY way to find out someone you knew and cared about IRL (and in the present, not a past acquaintance) has passed on.

You're alone, there's no feedback/other person that even a phone call would replicate somewhat, and it's so horribly impersonal. After it sinks in you start wondering why you weren't called before it was announced to the world, why the news wasn't eased on you in a more personal manner, it's somewhat like adding insult to injury.

On the other hand I've stumbled on the memorial pages of highschool classmates that I may or may not have met and have no problems with that (but I hope all the relevant people were contacted before those pages went up). My guess is the stronger and more recent the relationship the more important it is that there's some sort of individualized notification rather than a facebook wall post.

Liza, if they knew him well (and reasonably recently) my advice is, if you are going to tell them at all, and must do it on facebook, make it a personal communication, maybe even leave a number they can reach you at (if you are comfortable with that and they don't already know it). Or better yet call them, or tactfully make sure someone else has.

[Biciclista]

it's a matter of public record when someone dies. If you are casual friends with these people, and they were friends of his 10 years ago, I'm sure they'd like to know (send them a private message)
I would feel really bad if someone I knew died and no one told me!

[Zen]

I vote with Mimi

[PamNY]

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. It's not unusual to be uncertain of the right thing to do in these situations, and I think it's wonderful that you care. Mimi's advice sounds good to me.

[Tuckervill]

If you think they don't already know through other ways and you are the only connection for them to know, you should CALL them and find out if they heard the news. If they had heard the news, then you can comfort each other. If they had not, you can tell them what you know, including the cause of death, and then comfort each other.

I'm sorry you lost your friend.

Karen

[VeloVT]

Thanks for all of your responses. It's sort of hitting me finally, at first it was just words. "Bill" wasn't just an acquaintance. His mom and my mom were in the hospital together. We were two weeks apart, and celebrated a joint first birthday. All through elementary school, we spent pretty much every afternoon together, even in the summers. We traipsed through the woods, rode bikes together, spent afternoons in our basements building forts, and slept over at one anothers' houses long past when boys and girls usually stop this (though we were solely platonic friends).

The two friends with whom I wanted to share the information were not just random semi-acquaintances of his either. Throughout upper elementary school and junior high school, the four of us were more or less best friends. Everyone has had various issues and life paths and we haven't all stayed in touch as adults... but we were not just random classmates.

Bill's sister posted a message on his page and hers (I'm also friends with her) with a non-specific announcement of his death. I forwarded this to my two friends with a personal message and an offer to connect them with his parents if they wanted. I think it worked out alright. I just talked to one of them on the phone and he appreciated being told.

Indulge me:

1. Don't use drugs. Really, don't. Not worth it.
2. Love your friends and relatives who use drugs, and tell them so.
3. If you are ever tempted to feel dissatisfied with your life and your accomplishments (as I often am), PLEASE think about how very lucky you are to be able to go outside and feel the sunshine on your face, and talk to your loved ones, and all of the other things you can do that many other people can't. We take our lives and our luck for granted far too often.

[Mr. Bloom]

Bill's sister posted a message on his page and hers (I'm also friends with her) with a non-specific announcement of his death. I forwarded this to my two friends with a personal message and an offer to connect them with his parents if they wanted. I think it worked out alright. I just talked to one of them on the phone and he appreciated being told.

What a perfect solution! Well Done!

Personally, I love Facebook!