Cycling goals ruining friendship

[lph]

I'm thinking you should maybe go easy on talking about the different goals and different speeds etc you have if she's competitive, and just try bringing up how you really enjoy riding on your own. If she has kids too that may help her understand. I'm known as that much of a loner that if someone asks "hey, shall we do this or that together?" I can say "sorry, not today, I need/want to ride on my own today, how about Thursday", and then I can make Thursday the social occasion. It's not about being anti-social or not liking her company, just enjoying all of other things that go with doing things on your own, freedom, concentration, time to focus and think, being free to get really cranky or upset without bothering anyone else

Funny, I have the feeling men don't have to have these conversations that much. There isn't really any reason you should have to defend wanting to do something on your own instead of with a group of people.

[tangentgirl]

You know, whether it's about cycling or basketweaving, this whole "having a vendetta" thing against friends sucks. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around friends. You shouldn't have to worry that they will be jealous if you ride alone sometimes. That's kind of ridiculous.

[ny biker]

You know, whether it's about cycling or basketweaving, this whole "having a vendetta" thing against friends sucks. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around friends. You shouldn't have to worry that they will be jealous if you ride alone sometimes. That's kind of ridiculous.

That's what I'm thinking.

Maybe you should plan a real training ride that meets your goals (the right location and distance for you) and then just tell her, you're doing this ride but it needs to be a training ride so your goal will be x miles/hour and you will only be stopping x times (or after x miles), and she's welcome to come along. Then if she wants to join you, she comes along and you stick to your plan. But if she gets angry, either because you're not doing her group ride or because she rides with you and wants to stop but you refuse or she gets angry that you dropped her etc. etc., then you don't own that issue.

[PamNY]

You know, whether it's about cycling or basketweaving, this whole "having a vendetta" thing against friends sucks. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around friends. You shouldn't have to worry that they will be jealous if you ride alone sometimes. That's kind of ridiculous.

This is exactly what I think. Just stand firm for what you want/need. I've gotten less tolerant of demanding friends as I get older.

[Tuckervill]

When I was training for a race this winter, I would just let people know MY ride plans - "I'm riding at 10am from X location, pace will be xx mph, and I'm going for 80 miles. Let me know if you can make it." That way, I get in exactly what I need, and if anyone wants to show up, they can.

And then when they get there and they start out doing it your way but then stop every two miles to make an adjustment or get a drink or whatever, you have to be willing to say, "I'll wait for you at the turnaround point." Or, "I'll catch you on the back side".

Else you'll be just like limewave, having your ride co-opted by someone else.

Karen

[ny biker]

And then when they get there and they start out doing it your way but then stop every two miles to make an adjustment or get a drink or whatever, you have to be willing to say, "I'll wait for you at the turnaround point." Or, "I'll catch you on the back side".

Right, that's why I said that if the friend comes along you need to stick to your plan if she wants to stop to rest or gets upset about your going faster than her. Be firm but friendly.

[lph]

I'm known as that much of a loner that if someone asks "hey, shall we do this or that together?" I can say "sorry, not today, I need/want to ride on my own today, how about Thursday", and then I can make Thursday the social occasion.
(...) There isn't really any reason you should have to defend wanting to do something on your own instead of with a group of people.

It's ironic that I wrote this just a short while ago, because it turned out I was being way too optimistic. As I've mentioned here elsewhere, in the meantime a friend of mine asked me to ride with him, I told him sorry, not today, I ended up riding on my own (I had planned to ride with another, new group but managed to mess up and miss it), and was "spotted" by said friend who went ballistic...

I find it completely bizarre behaviour, but if it's any consolation to those of you out there with friends who read all kinds of personal behaviour, wants and likings into biking, there seem to be lots of us, unfortunately.

From a non-counselors point of view I have trouble understanding how someone insecure and worried about being abandoned will do everything possible to actually hurt people to the point that they WILL be abandoned. What's up with that?

[Crankin]

What's up with that is that they are continually recreating the abandonment that occurred in the first place. They don't know what else to do.

[lph]

Okay. So any good tips on how to handle it? I'm not being facetious, I just have no clue.

[Crankin]

Well, I am not sure what to tell you. You can point blank ask them, "Do you realize what you are doing?" This would be in reference to what they are doing to you.... and if you can, tell the person how it makes you feel, using non-judgmental language. if you know anything about their background, family of origin, you might have an inkling about what the original abandonment was. Maybe if you can get the friend to see his/her pattern with you, he or she will see that this is a common thread in their life.
But, really, one needs therapy to work through this.

[ny biker]

Okay. So any good tips on how to handle it? I'm not being facetious, I just have no clue.

I would say something to make it clear that the situation wasn't personal. Something like, I'm sorry but I really did have other plans. They fell apart at the last minute so the easiest thing was to go out for a ride by myself. But I am really looking forward to our ride on [whatever] day.

[Flybye]

There is also the good old "I message"
I feel ____
when you ____
because______
I want you to _____
instead.

I feel angry when you act like we can not have a friendship unless I cycle with you every time that I ride (because) I wish that our friendship was based on more than superficial things like bike rides. I want you to give me some room to do things on my own and still be my friend (instead).

[lph]

Thank you, these are good suggestions. I'll try to bear them in mind, and not get caught up into defending myself. I did explain what had happened (in rather explosive language, I'm afraid), and he didn't want to believe me.

I'm going to talk with him today, but with a basic background of distrust I'm not really too optimistic. There is a pattern, but I'm not a therapist and I honestly don't want that burden.

Thanks again, ladies, and sorry for hogging the thread.