Guest's unfinished food-do you ask?

[shootingstar]

Yesterday evening we prepared a lovely dinner for a couple --friends we know reasonably well. They bike (though not yesterday), etc. She is a regular jogger and skier also. Conscious about eating certain foods vs. others. I knew she was not vegetarian but liked healthy dishes. No allergies. They have lived on the Northwest coast for last few decades so familiar with the local cuisines etc.

So we played it safe for supper and seafood with stirfried tomatoes, peppers, onions, garlic, ginger, etc. and abit of pasta. When removing the dirty dishes off the table for dessert, I asked if she didn't like peppers since she left behind nearly all the red and green peppers, plus pasta (light) on her plate. She said that at least she ate the mussels. She said she normally doesn't eat mussels.

If it's someone I know, I will ask for my own knowledge next time, to check if the guest didn't like a particular veggie/food especially if they left behind a whole lot of it uneaten.

Do you ask guests that you know well, to confirm that they don't like a certain food if they left behind a large amount of certain foods uneaten on their plate?

[KnottedYet]

No.

I ask all relevant questions before the dinner.

At the dinner, I keep my anxieties to myself as much as possible. Meals are like gifts in that once you give them to someone, what they do with it afterward is none of your business.

If I had a dinner guest who had barely eaten anything, I'd assume my cooking didn't agree with her. Rather than making her uncomfortable by putting her on the spot about why she ate so little, I'd make an open ended offer of another food option like "I was thinking of putting out a plate of sliced cheese and fruit for us all to nibble on with the coffee, do you think folks would like that?" If she didn't like the dinner and was still hungry, she can say "Yes" and fill up on cheese and fruit. If she just wasn't hungry that day, she could say "No" and no harm done, no-one embarrassed.

[shootingstar]

I only want to know in advance, if they have allergies, have significant problems digesting certain foods and if they are vegetarian. But then I usually have a dish (he isn't always around when I entertain my friends) that is suitable for vegetarians.

I actually don't like long catalogue lists of particular food dislikes from adult guests in advance. I just ask what they want when they are served food.

I will ask if people want the next certain dish and serve/not serve amounts accordingly.

And I rarely am asked in advance what my food preferences are. Partially because most people who know me, know I don't kick up a big fuss about food. I do try a broad range of food given to me....except they may know I can only have abit of wine for I get abit drunk..very fast. You're right, the dinner for guests is a gift..but a gift like any gift doesn't always please everyone every time.

NB. Despite her health consciousness, she stunned us by eating 2 huge bowls of melted bittersweet chocolate sauce with whipped creme over pears poached in honey and wine with spices.

[kermit]

I'm pretty open about the menu. I will let the guest know what is planned for dinner, for example, our good friend does not like seafood. Sometimes shrimp, but not fish or scallops. We just had them come down from Georgia and we asked, "what would you love to eat that you can't find at home"?. They will usually give us a rundown of what they like and don't like and we can work in what is seasonal down here and figure something out. We always do a cheese plate, some almonds, grapes, etc. The funny thing was he wound up loving our smoked fish dip!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Lots of people don't eat seafood and especially shellfish. It's best to ask.
If I'm cooking dinner for others, I always ask if people are vegetarians and if they have any foods they avoid eating.

[Librarygirl]

Maybe I'm really intolerant of people's fussiness, but I would be annoyed if I had a person over to dinner, made quite an effort (as it sounds like you did) to accommodate particular tastes and desires (ie healthy etc.) and they left behind large amounts of food for no good reason. It's one thing to not eat much and explain to the host/ess that you're just really not hungry or not feeling well, or to really not like one particular thing and leave it to the side, another thing entirely to leave most of the meal. Actually, I also think if a person REALLY doesn't like something, they should have the responsibility of letting the host know in advance

Some have said here to see the meal as a gift, well, I always express gratefulness for a gift and I think it comes across as quite ungrateful to not eat what is provided without at least explaining why. Would you just throw a gift that you were given, and didn't like, in the bin in front of the giver?

Sorry, a bit of a rant - I don't know why this gets me so much?

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It might have nothing to do with her liking the food. Some people (like me) can get pretty painful indigestion from the skins of red and green peppers, tomatoes, and onions if more than a few little pieces are eaten together. Most foods don't give me a problem, but peppers i avoid particularly. Perhaps she didn't want to be rude and imply that the meal would give her indigestion, so maybe she just quietly ate the mussels and most of the pasta and didn't want to make a fuss about it or talk about her digestive issues. I doubt she wanted to be rude about throwing a gift in the garbage.

[PamNY]

I think Bleecker's reply is insightful. Nothing annoys me more than listening to people blather on about their digestive issues or their dislikes during a meal. I think a guest who behaves with discretion is a treasure -- to me that's far more important than whether someone eats my food.

Are these people you entertain regularly? If so, I'd ask (discreetly and privately) about the matter if a similar incident occurs. Otherwise, I would say nothing and forget about it.

[shootingstar]

I think Bleecker's reply is insightful. Nothing annoys me more than listening to people blather on about their digestive issues or their dislikes during a meal. I think a guest who behaves with discretion is a treasure -- to me that's far more important than whether someone eats my food.

Are these people you entertain regularly? If so, I'd ask (discreetly and privately) about the matter if a similar incident occurs. Otherwise, I would say nothing and forget about it.

We've eaten at each other's homes several times over the years and together at restaurants. Not that I make an attempt to memorize people's specific food avoidances in great detail. Who would,...unless it's your own parents, in-laws, your own childen/grandchildren? I draw the line..in terms of trying to remember people's food avoidances in great detail.

My mistake might have been just serving and dividing the food on everyone's plates in similar amounts. I should have asked before serving.

I agree PamNY, it's tiring to hear about someone's list of food dislikes at the dinner table....his 31-yr. old daughter does this. It's gotten to a point for special dinners where I tell him, my partner, he should at least have 1-2 dishes she likes and the rest it's up to her to have it served to her or not. He cooks at least half or more of the menu since he wants to give his "gift" to his daughter. A natural thing for any reasonable parent.

Believe me, her food dislike list is long, annoying..which includes alot of vegetables that we both like/have often. In such situations, I let him determine most of the menu which he enjoys doing anyway. Why frustrate myself?

Compare this against my mother...who only sees me ..maybe once or every 2-3 years since I live in another province. She just goes ahead and prepares whatever she thinks is healthy and tastes good to her, not to me. It's up to me to eat it if I want it. And I do because it genuinely is healthy cuisine, even though certain dishes are slightly boring..because she had reduced on salt (which is good), alot less spices than I would use. Ok, I'm eating out of guilt ..but it's healthy food, thank goodness.

[Cataboo]

I was always taught that it was polite to eat everything given to me if I was a guest in someone's house, even if I have to choke it down and clamp my hand over my mouth not to vomit.

And so basically I do If I'm allowed to serve myself, I will just take a taste of something I know I don't like - if they ask before serving, I'll just ask for a little bit to taste.

But then I don't really have any strong feelings about food (vegetarian, religious) or allergies.

If I have guests, I usually try to clear the menu with them before hand "I'm thinking of making this, would that be okay?" - and I let people serve themselves so that I don't give someone too much of something they don't like or more than they want to eat. If I'm making a salad and someone says they don't like something, I'll cut up that vegetable and just put it on the side instead of mixing it into the entire salad.

[Laterider21958]

Can understand your desire to serve a meal your guests will enjoy, however I find it a bit difficult to devise a menu which pleases everybody. The last "big" family dinner was 18 people for my husband's 60th. One guest I knew had some dietary limitations, so I asked what she couldn't eat. I got this long list. (Should have asked what could be eaten.) Tried my very best to have a variety available and served buffet style. At least they could pick more of what they liked and leave the stuff they detested or couldn't eat. It was a lot of work and I wouldn't every tackle something like that again.

Me...I'm just happy if somebody else wants to do the cooking and all I have to do is wait for it to be served.

PS My kids came home with girlfriend and boyfriend who didn't like tomato, capsicum or onion. I didn't know this until I'd launched into my signature pasta dish which consisted of canned tomato soup base with both of the other ingredients and sprinkled with parmesan cheese. It was served, but instead of chunky identifiable pieces in the sauce I got out the Barmix and blended the sauce to mush. They ate it and had seconds. If you can't see it it's not there!

[sfa]

I'd never ask someone *after* a meal if they didn't like something that they left behind, but I will ask when inviting them if they have any dietary restrictions, allergies, or anything in particular that they don't like. FWIW, though, if someone asked me the same I'd tell them that I avoid shellfish (makes me gag, then serious digestive issues--not a real allergy, but definitely an intolerance) but wouldn't mention any non-main-dishy things (that is, I also can't stand mushrooms, but it's rare that a meal is based on mushrooms, so I've just gotten adept at picking them out). As a fairly picky eater myself, I have a great deal of sympathy for guests who are served a food that they don't like and are then faced with gagging it down or just leaving it behind. I wouldn't dream of being insulted if someone left a food behind. So they didn't like it. No big deal. I also tend to serve meals to guests family style so that they can serve themselves as much or as little as they like of a food, or do some careful editing of a meal to make sure not to pull out too many of whatever it is they might not like.

The only exception I'd make would be if someone was a house guest and I'd have to keep feeding them for several more meals--in that case, to be a good host, I'd want to avoid a food they might not have liked again. After one meal at a person's house, the guest can go home and gorge on anything they like. But a houseguest might get hungry if they don't like peppers and I served stir fried peppers with dinner, peppers in the morning omlette, and steak sandwiches with fried peppers for lunch.

Sarah

[Cataboo]

I do ask how spicy people like food before hand - I like a lot of spice, I like salt. Lots of people's digestive track can't handle that. And when in doubt, I just go very lightly on all spicy.

[Biciclista]

I might ask too, but I try to ask before the meal is served what sorts of things the person will or won't eat.
I don't like Asparagus, but if it's served to me, I just pile it on my husband's plate because he loves it and will eat a double portion.

[OakLeaf]

That's something I hadn't thought about - a one-dish meal makes it impossible for a guest to pick and choose. Cooking is so much easier when protein, vegetables and carbs are all part of the same big lump in my dish and that's how I almost always do it when it's just DH and myself.

We don't entertain often, but when we do, it's usually a casual meal same sort of thing. Spanakopita and falafel are two of my favorite "company" meals. I guess with falafel, they could at least assemble their own sandwich, or have the patty and toppings on a plate if they don't want any pita. (Had the neighbors over for falafel last night, nom nom. )

It's much easier to have two to four completely separate dishes when you're serving meat, I think. But something to think about.