Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[Zen]

And here I thought my family put the funk in dysfunctional...what a lot we are here. One thing for sure, there's always a sympathetic ear here and, more often than not, some good advice.

[shootingstar]

Quite a discussion leading up to ....Mother's Day.

[Bike Chick]

And here I thought my family put the funk in dysfunctional...what a lot we are here. One thing for sure, there's always a sympathetic ear here and, more often than not, some good advice.

Zen, you always make me laugh Ditto!

[tulip]

Shootingstar--I don't know when Canadian Mother's Day is, but the US version isn't until May, so some of us have some time to muster whatever we need to in order to buy a card and let Hallmark do the talking. My mother is a delight, now...but that was not always the case. All I can say is, thank goodness for lithium.

And yes, I'm struggling with all sorts of issues stemming from my childhood. But I won't go into that here. I'm making great strides in living in the present and looking towards the future. I've looked back enough to realize that I can't change what did or did not happen in the past, but I can change my present actions. Usually that works.

* * *
From time to time, I get looks of judgmental pity (often mixed with a hint of envy, I might add) when people find out I don't have kids. Really, it's no wonder!

* * *

All my best, Beth (and whoever else needs a supportive hug).

[TrekTheKaty]

In the meantime it might help to examine carefully why this upsets you so. You know what to expect from your mother. Clearly she has not changed after what 30-40-50 years? By now you ought to be used to, if not immune, to her behavioral quirks an and just chalk it up to "my crazy mother."

I would have to respectfully disagree with this statement. In my personal situation, I am sure my stepmother could could dissolve the self esteem it took me 20 years to reestablish with a glance. I don't give her the opportunity.

I admire shootingstar for reaching out for support from her cyberfriends. If she was friend from my hometown, I would meet her for coffee, a hug and just to listen. She needs our support. I hope our suggestions haven't confused her even more, but what are sisters for?

[TrekTheKaty]

And here I thought my family put the funk in dysfunctional...what a lot we are here.

Amen, Zen. In college, I had a group of friends that realized we all had dysfunctional families except one person. We thought HE should be on Oprah, since he insisted that his childhood was "Leave it to Beaverish!"

I posed the question to my sister a few years ago: "Maybe we are the crazy ones and every one else is normal?" I was serious. She cackled like a wild woman and poured me another glass of wine

Just a thought (are these walls rubber?)

[shootingstar]

I would have to respectfully disagree with this statement. In my personal situation, I am sure my stepmother could could dissolve the self esteem it took me 20 years to reestablish with a glance. I don't give her the opportunity.

I admire shootingstar for reaching out for support from her cyberfriends. If she was friend from my hometown, I would meet her for coffee, a hug and just to listen. She needs our support. I hope our suggestions haven't confused her even more, but what are sisters for?

Perhaps you meant bccmsland who originally asked for people's opinions/ideas? Not that myself and 5 siblings have problem with a mother who is quite controlling, on top of the linguistic gap..I just haven't bothered to get into details 'cause I really don't expect many people here to experience high family conflict due to linguistic gaps, on top of major personality weakness in a parent.

But it's ok. We'll survive..though we're worried now with my father having cancer..he the language intepreter, family mediator..etc. Certain things are better, other things not and never will be.
I'm not a mother and I question myself if i could have been a good mother. Honest.

[owlice]

Add me to the list; I suspect my mother has an undiagnosed personality disorder. I had cut her out of my life. Now I'm her guardian (the "guardian of the person," as the legal wording goes); she was declared incompetent last year. I do this out of a sense of duty, not love. If I weren't her guardian, she'd have been turned over to the state, because my brother, who has been dealing with her for years, refused to be named guardian. Yes, I had a choice; I could have let the state take responsibility for her.

Anyway...

BMC, you get to decide how you want to deal with your mother, what the boundaries are. You cannot change her, but you can change how you respond to her. (I'm sure you know that already; just reminding you!) If you don't like the idea of accepting a certified letter, don't accept it.

I like the idea outlined by another re: not retrieving the letter, asking your mother to ask you the question directly before you open the remailed (by regular mail) letter, and letting her know you will answer within [name your time period here] IF you are actually open to answering her questions. If you are not, I am sure you have your reasons for not wanting to do so, so let her know that... once. That's the boundary. When she crosses it, shut down the conversation immediately. Acknowledge any future letters you receive when you talk with her ("Got your letter, Mom, but knew I'd be talking to you, so didn't open it; you know how I feel about the letters. How about those Red Sox?"), but do NOT talk further about the letters other than to acknowledge receipt and restate the boundary.

I also like the idea of examining why the letters upset you, not because I think you owe your mother that, but rather, because you owe yourself that.

[owlice]

In college, I had a group of friends that realized we all had dysfunctional families except one person.

I still have those friends!

[Crankin]

I often feel weird because I had a pretty much great family life growing up. We were not perfect, but my parents were always open and honest, way before that was in vogue. The stress we had was financial, because my dad's shoe factory went bankrupt as the industry went overseas. We had to move and that did me in. Though, I did recover, I had a few messed up years when I made some poor decisions regarding my education and personal life. My parents always supported me. I know that both of my parents had (have) their mental health quirks, but no personality disorders.
I tried to bring up my own kids the way I was brought up. It was a good model. My DH had a dysfunctional, abusive, selfish family who still think nothing was wrong. I really don't know how he turned out so mentally sane. I would have been seriously messed up from that environment.

[Selkie]

* * *
From time to time, I get looks of judgmental pity (often mixed with a hint of envy, I might add) when people find out I don't have kids. Really, it's no wonder!

* * *

.

To quote NYBiker, WORD!

[lph]

As an aside, having kids (kid) of my own has changed my perception of my mother and how I was brought up quite a bit. It's been easier for me to see how she was just an imperfect person, most of the time doing the best she could, and the rest of the time just muddling along. As a child, and especially as a teenager I think I felt that my parents were all-powerful and omniscient, and did everything deliberately, with full knowledge of the consequences. Not least I viewed them solely as my parents, and not as fallible, complex human beings. As a parent myself I've discovered that even your own kids can be immensely annoying at times, that it can be hard to balance your own needs with those of your kid's, and that your temper doesn't magically disappear once you're a mother. I am very very thankful that I have a compassionate, stable, patient dh to back me up when I need it, and to step in and be the responsible one when all I want to do is yell and throw things.

[OakLeaf]

LPH... I'm one of those who's just sane enough to know that I would have been (hopefully almost, but quite possibly entirely) as damaging to a child as my parents were to me, so I refrained.

I have no doubt that having a child changes one's perspective - I have no doubt that that's a lot of where those looks of pity come from (Oh, man, those looks of pity, and IMO there's a good bit of judgment and accusation mixed in with the pity, too.)

But. My adult life and my healing has largely been about getting past the excuses, rationalizations and justifications that my parents always had. They were under stress, they were abused children themselves, yada, yada, yada. Understanding what happened to them in no way diminishes or invalidates my pain or my sisters'. They're different events that happened in different peoples' hearts. There's a causal relationship, sure, but the fact that my parents were abused as children doesn't mean that I wasn't.

[Tuckervill]

As an aside, having kids (kid) of my own has changed my perception of my mother and how I was brought up quite a bit. It's been easier for me to see how she was just an imperfect person, most of the time doing the best she could, and the rest of the time just muddling along. As a child, and especially as a teenager I think I felt that my parents were all-powerful and omniscient, and did everything deliberately, with full knowledge of the consequences. Not least I viewed them solely as my parents, and not as fallible, complex human beings. As a parent myself I've discovered that even your own kids can be immensely annoying at times, that it can be hard to balance your own needs with those of your kid's, and that your temper doesn't magically disappear once you're a mother. I am very very thankful that I have a compassionate, stable, patient dh to back me up when I need it, and to step in and be the responsible one when all I want to do is yell and throw things.

So true. It is easier to be compassionate towards my mother (and the poor beset woman with the screaming kid at the grocery) because I have kids. I understand why my mother so emotional about the welfare of my no-account brother, for instance. She doesn't want to out-live him, which I totally get. That doesn't negate the fact that she has some real boundary issues when it comes to her divorce. I just try to deal with the compartment at hand.

re the bold part: I don't remember feeling this way as a child or teenager. But one of my sons DID feel that way about me when he was a teen, and I was flabbergasted when I found out. He's a parent himself now, and I'd bet he doesn't believe that about me anymore.

Karen

[Selkie]

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Raising kids is the most important job in the world and I know my limits. My mom's illness has a genetic component, so in addition to my and my DH's personal preferences, having children was not right for us. I could not knowingly take that chance, after seeing my mother's suffering.

I've had a great deal of compassion for my parents and the very difficult challenges they faced dealing with my mother's illness (it was serious, required multiple commitments/hospitalizations, and during the 1960s-1970s, not much "social" understanding or compassion for the person suffering and their loved ones...but I digress). I don't know how I would have reacted, given the same circumstances. Mental illness is terrible, particularly when untreated or inappropriately treated.

I don't think having children necessarily is a prerequisite for empathy when it comes to one's parents, as Karen pointed out about her son.