Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[arielmoon]

When I was in college my parents got divorced. It was pretty messy and my mom decided I had sided with my dad when he came to me to tell me he wanted leave my mother and I told him I wanted him to be happy. This after hearing how unhappy my mother was since I was about 8. Anywho, my mother was a debutante and she insisted I do it too even though I said I didnt want to for years. It went against things I believed in and I refused to be all cutsie with girls that wouldnt talk to me in high school.

I got a long certified letter telling me what an ungraceful child I was. She listed all the things she did for me- driving me to swim practice and soccer and basketball and so on. The gist of this was that she did all this for me not because she loved me but because she wanted something in return. Well, I didnt speak to her for 5 years after that. Then I decided that life was too short and I just forgave her in my heart. She never apologized but one day she sent me a tape of some uplifting something or other and admitted she made mistakes raising us kids. (My older brother had gotten a similar certified letter and he didnt speak to her for 6 years).

My mother wrecked me mentally as a child to the point that I didnt trust her to tell what was going on in my life. I learned to shut her out when I would hear her telling all her friends what I had confided in her. Going away to boarding school was a blessing for me and I could finally breath. At different times I have been tempted to tell her how hellish she made my childhood but I honestly cant see what good it would do. She did the best she could at the time.

These days she doesnt even attempt to tell me what to do or be manipulative although she tries it on my siblings.

My advice is not to play the game but also be compassionate and forgiving. For whatever reason she is going back to the past to rehash. I think you should let look to the future!

[shootingstar]

Quite a discussion leading up to ....Mother's Day.

[tulip]

Shootingstar--I don't know when Canadian Mother's Day is, but the US version isn't until May, so some of us have some time to muster whatever we need to in order to buy a card and let Hallmark do the talking. My mother is a delight, now...but that was not always the case. All I can say is, thank goodness for lithium.

And yes, I'm struggling with all sorts of issues stemming from my childhood. But I won't go into that here. I'm making great strides in living in the present and looking towards the future. I've looked back enough to realize that I can't change what did or did not happen in the past, but I can change my present actions. Usually that works.

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From time to time, I get looks of judgmental pity (often mixed with a hint of envy, I might add) when people find out I don't have kids. Really, it's no wonder!

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All my best, Beth (and whoever else needs a supportive hug).

[Selkie]

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From time to time, I get looks of judgmental pity (often mixed with a hint of envy, I might add) when people find out I don't have kids. Really, it's no wonder!

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.

To quote NYBiker, WORD!

[lph]

As an aside, having kids (kid) of my own has changed my perception of my mother and how I was brought up quite a bit. It's been easier for me to see how she was just an imperfect person, most of the time doing the best she could, and the rest of the time just muddling along. As a child, and especially as a teenager I think I felt that my parents were all-powerful and omniscient, and did everything deliberately, with full knowledge of the consequences. Not least I viewed them solely as my parents, and not as fallible, complex human beings. As a parent myself I've discovered that even your own kids can be immensely annoying at times, that it can be hard to balance your own needs with those of your kid's, and that your temper doesn't magically disappear once you're a mother. I am very very thankful that I have a compassionate, stable, patient dh to back me up when I need it, and to step in and be the responsible one when all I want to do is yell and throw things.

[OakLeaf]

LPH... I'm one of those who's just sane enough to know that I would have been (hopefully almost, but quite possibly entirely) as damaging to a child as my parents were to me, so I refrained.

I have no doubt that having a child changes one's perspective - I have no doubt that that's a lot of where those looks of pity come from (Oh, man, those looks of pity, and IMO there's a good bit of judgment and accusation mixed in with the pity, too.)

But. My adult life and my healing has largely been about getting past the excuses, rationalizations and justifications that my parents always had. They were under stress, they were abused children themselves, yada, yada, yada. Understanding what happened to them in no way diminishes or invalidates my pain or my sisters'. They're different events that happened in different peoples' hearts. There's a causal relationship, sure, but the fact that my parents were abused as children doesn't mean that I wasn't.

[Tuckervill]

As an aside, having kids (kid) of my own has changed my perception of my mother and how I was brought up quite a bit. It's been easier for me to see how she was just an imperfect person, most of the time doing the best she could, and the rest of the time just muddling along. As a child, and especially as a teenager I think I felt that my parents were all-powerful and omniscient, and did everything deliberately, with full knowledge of the consequences. Not least I viewed them solely as my parents, and not as fallible, complex human beings. As a parent myself I've discovered that even your own kids can be immensely annoying at times, that it can be hard to balance your own needs with those of your kid's, and that your temper doesn't magically disappear once you're a mother. I am very very thankful that I have a compassionate, stable, patient dh to back me up when I need it, and to step in and be the responsible one when all I want to do is yell and throw things.

So true. It is easier to be compassionate towards my mother (and the poor beset woman with the screaming kid at the grocery) because I have kids. I understand why my mother so emotional about the welfare of my no-account brother, for instance. She doesn't want to out-live him, which I totally get. That doesn't negate the fact that she has some real boundary issues when it comes to her divorce. I just try to deal with the compartment at hand.

re the bold part: I don't remember feeling this way as a child or teenager. But one of my sons DID feel that way about me when he was a teen, and I was flabbergasted when I found out. He's a parent himself now, and I'd bet he doesn't believe that about me anymore.

Karen

[Selkie]

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. Raising kids is the most important job in the world and I know my limits. My mom's illness has a genetic component, so in addition to my and my DH's personal preferences, having children was not right for us. I could not knowingly take that chance, after seeing my mother's suffering.

I've had a great deal of compassion for my parents and the very difficult challenges they faced dealing with my mother's illness (it was serious, required multiple commitments/hospitalizations, and during the 1960s-1970s, not much "social" understanding or compassion for the person suffering and their loved ones...but I digress). I don't know how I would have reacted, given the same circumstances. Mental illness is terrible, particularly when untreated or inappropriately treated.

I don't think having children necessarily is a prerequisite for empathy when it comes to one's parents, as Karen pointed out about her son.