Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[Catrin]

My mother has long-term, basically untreated, mental health issues as well. This is so hard to deal with, and I think it is difficult for others who do not have that family dynamic to really understand what this means.

I and my sisters have taken decades to learn how to deal with this in a way that does not harm us, yet allows us to find some way to not cut her out of our lives entirely (though we did for some time). We finally came to understand that she raised us the best way that she could, she just didn't have much to work with and that was just the way it was. It took close to 20 years of total separation for me to come to truly understand that - we had a very rough family life...

Understanding that did help the three of us to come up with our own way to remain in contact with her without, however, participating in the dramatic world that she lives in. It does her no good to play her games, and it certainly isn't good for us. She and I will never have a "traditional" mother/daughter relationship - but I have found ways to stay in touch with her that doesn't fire up the old drama.

You will have to make your decision on how to deal with this - though I do like the approach others have suggested about not accepting the letter and telling her that she just needs to tell you what is going on. The whole certified letter approach is adversarial. For your own sake you need to maintain strong boundaries, and it sounds like she doesn't expect you to have any.

Please keep us posted as you can, you are not alone in this.

[kiwibug]

I am so surprised to see how many people grew up with mothers suffering from mental health illnesses.

I felt really really alone growing up. Even within my family, my mom's bipolar disorder was never talked about, and the horrible periods where she went off her meds were major secrets we never discussed. Luckily psychiatric medicine has done a lot for my mother, she's doing really well and our relationship is loving.

I don't know what would have happened if we hadn't got the illness under control. I maintain that unless you have lived with and loved someone with mental illness, you can't possibly understand. Without experiencing it you can't say that you would never run away, or that one shouldn't.

[maillotpois]

I am so surprised to see how many people grew up with mothers suffering from mental health illnesses.

Me, too. I have talked to one other person, a friend who I was surprised to learn had a mother with a lot of similar issues to mine. But it's nice to know I'm not the only one with a mother with issues. (and not just "my mom is a PITA" issues, which I think everyone has from time to time.)

Good luck bmc - you're not alone and ultimately you'll know what the right thing is for you to do.