Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[Cataboo]

I'd also disagree that running away is somehow letting someone continue to control your life. And that somehow if you're used to someone treating you like ****, you become used to it and immune and that it's okay to be treated like ****. By that logic, all women who are getting beaten by their husbands should just stay in their marriages.

Yes, families are difficult... and as much as possible, people should try to work everything out and do what they can. But the reality is, that sometimes people just suck and just because they're related to you by an accident of birth and genetics and you love them, doesn't mean that you have to keep them in your life or that it's healthy to do so. The fact that someone is related to you doesn't mean they get a pass on their behavior. It does mean you forgive them for more and give them more chances, but at some point, enough is enough.

I could go into details, but hey, I use my real name on the internet

[Selkie]

I wouldn't characterize it as "running away." I think it's more "running to" something more positive and healthy.

The great thing is that we are adults and have choices. That includes the choice to do the right thing for oneself.

[Crankin]

I agree with Martian Destiny. Just because someone is your mother (insert any family member here), doesn't mean you are beholden to endure whatever **** they give you.
As a disclaimer, I will say that my relationship with my parents was good. My mom died almost 15 years ago. I miss her, but, life goes on. I talk to my dad, who lives in CA, but it's not a super close relationship. That's nothing new.
But, I do have some experience with "divorcing" a relative. I "divorced" my aunt (my mom's sister). She always has been the drama queen in my family, with some definite underlying mental health issues. When her DH died at age 52, she pretty much declared her life was over, and took it as a signal to run everyone else's life. This occurred right at the time I moved back here. I was able to be firm with boundaries, and still be with my family for holidays, etc. She was too busy trying to run her own kid's lives. When my mom got sick, she thought I was cruel and heartless for not leaving my own family and going to CA indefinitely. My mom specifically did not want me to do that! My aunt interfered with my mom's medical situation, drove my dad and brother crazy, and generally acted crazy when we ignored her.
Over the years, I tried with her, but she only wanted to tell me what to do. When one cousin became super religious and gave my DH crap about not wearing a yarmulke on Passover and I no longer could take the other cousin, who has always been a xenophobic, gun touting, right winger, I stopped calling. It's been a year and a half, and it is better. I feel badly that my kids have lost contact with the few relatives they have, but they witnessed her craziness growing up, so it's in context. Life is too short.

[Catrin]

My mother has long-term, basically untreated, mental health issues as well. This is so hard to deal with, and I think it is difficult for others who do not have that family dynamic to really understand what this means.

I and my sisters have taken decades to learn how to deal with this in a way that does not harm us, yet allows us to find some way to not cut her out of our lives entirely (though we did for some time). We finally came to understand that she raised us the best way that she could, she just didn't have much to work with and that was just the way it was. It took close to 20 years of total separation for me to come to truly understand that - we had a very rough family life...

Understanding that did help the three of us to come up with our own way to remain in contact with her without, however, participating in the dramatic world that she lives in. It does her no good to play her games, and it certainly isn't good for us. She and I will never have a "traditional" mother/daughter relationship - but I have found ways to stay in touch with her that doesn't fire up the old drama.

You will have to make your decision on how to deal with this - though I do like the approach others have suggested about not accepting the letter and telling her that she just needs to tell you what is going on. The whole certified letter approach is adversarial. For your own sake you need to maintain strong boundaries, and it sounds like she doesn't expect you to have any.

Please keep us posted as you can, you are not alone in this.

[kiwibug]

I am so surprised to see how many people grew up with mothers suffering from mental health illnesses.

I felt really really alone growing up. Even within my family, my mom's bipolar disorder was never talked about, and the horrible periods where she went off her meds were major secrets we never discussed. Luckily psychiatric medicine has done a lot for my mother, she's doing really well and our relationship is loving.

I don't know what would have happened if we hadn't got the illness under control. I maintain that unless you have lived with and loved someone with mental illness, you can't possibly understand. Without experiencing it you can't say that you would never run away, or that one shouldn't.

[maillotpois]

I am so surprised to see how many people grew up with mothers suffering from mental health illnesses.

Me, too. I have talked to one other person, a friend who I was surprised to learn had a mother with a lot of similar issues to mine. But it's nice to know I'm not the only one with a mother with issues. (and not just "my mom is a PITA" issues, which I think everyone has from time to time.)

Good luck bmc - you're not alone and ultimately you'll know what the right thing is for you to do.