Withm,

I have to voice some respectful disagreement with your post. Words and sentiments like these spoken to me in person (as I did not discuss anything on the internet when all of this was occurring to me) really added a lot of pain and heartache to what was already a very gutwrenching, life altering, and exceptionally painful drawn out decision process. And, yes, added to bouts of depression and even occasional suicidal thoughts that I was luckily able to (in time, and with the help of some very close friends) overcome (and not act on). Similar sentiments made me keep working at an emotionally abusive, manipulative relationship longer than I probably would have otherwise (after all she was/is "my mother" and I couldn't possibly just erase her from my life without being a horrible, rotten, ungrateful child). (and let me reiterate that this was a very painful process for me that took YEARS of consideration, attempts at a relationship (on any level), realization that I was indeed NOT a horrible person, etc. none of which was ever taken lightly; I most certainly didn't get angry with her in one conversation and walk off in a huff never to speak with her again.)

Yes, parents will always be our parents, and we can't change that "like it or not". That doesn't mean one is obligated to bend to their every whim, need, objection to one's life, or other quark; especially not at the expense of their own mental (and sometimes unfortunately physical) health. More obligated to put forth an effort than if they were some random person you met once, of course. I don't think anyone takes damaging, ending, or ignoring a relationship with their parent(s) lightly or really needs to be reminded that the person is indeed their parent and thus should be of more importance than a street acquaintance.

The implications demonize the victim/child, as if they clearly are not trying hard enough to maintain the relationship. I felt this guilt for a long time. I would have felt guilty/horrible on some level anyway, but conversations with outsiders (whom I would consider my friends as I didn't go telling my woes to people I hardly knew) certainly made things worse and elongated the learning to live with the reality of the situation even though they had no idea or no way to comprehend the situation, really.

Being "used to" something does not make it healthy for you. "Just words" can often be exceptionally hurtful and emotionally abusive. No one truly becomes "immune" to such things.

Sometimes (not always, of course) people do need to just leave situations behind them when it becomes evident that things will not change. Sometimes "running away" is more like being driven away, etc. Sometimes completely leaving a situation and/or person is the only way to get them/it to STOP controlling your life.

Do I sometimes think about the situation with a twinge of sadness, yes, especially when I hear similar stories or around mother's day. Do I regret my decision; absolutely not. I feel like I made every reasonable effort that could have been made and in the end I did what I had to do to preserve my sanity. Without a doubt I am a happier more healthy person today than I would have been otherwise. And I'm living a life I want to, rather than being controlled and manipulated by someone else.

Clearly not every situation will parallel mine (probably no situation will, some being much worse, some much less severe, and some just different) and many relationships probably can (and should) be saved in some form or another. But to speak in absolutes, to assert that a relationship must/should be maintained, that one should continue to subject them-self to situations that are hurtful to them (even if that situation is words on a page), and to imply that one should be "used to" or "immune" to emotionally abusive and manipulative behavior (intentional or stemming from a documented disorder) simply because the other person is a parent is nothing more than naiveté and, well intentioned as it may be (because I'm sure everything you wrote was very much well intentioned), can add to emotional turmoil, guilt, and depression in people going through these situations.

I'm certainly not advocating that Bmc break all ties with her mom, or even assuming that her relationship with her mom is emotionally abusive (only that it seems evident that the relationship is very hard on her emotionally for whatever reason). But really only Bmc is in a position to understand her relationship, what the issues are, what the intentions are (which ended up being a very big deciding factor for me, personally), and what is the best compromise for her (because most of the time it's a lose-lose situation). Just because one party is a parent doesn't make anything any more cut and dry. In the end we can only offer her a virtual shoulder to lean on. Advice, well, I think Oakleaf said it best. And yes, professional counseling, if feasible, is definitely a path to consider (either on a longer term basis or just a few sessions).

And please, withm, let me reiterate that I in no way believe that you intended anything other than to be helpful, as my friends intended as well. And maybe, being emotionally completely on the other side of this, I'm seeing something more and this will be more helpful than hurtful to Bmc. I hope so as I hope everyone can struggle through and in the end come out with more ideal results than I did. Sure did tug at some painful memories for me though.

Anyway, this has been exceptionally long winded, and I apologize. Just felt the need to voice what the view from "the other side of the street" *can* be.