Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[TrekTheKaty]

I also have a difficult family dynamic. My stepmother (who raised me) is "nuts." Both myself, my half-sister and her three other children have "divorced" her. We don't answer phone calls or letters. It's for my own mental health. She is mentally abusive. She has spent her whole life making everyone around her miserable, so I no longer care about her feelings. It's the best thing. It took my half-sister almost 50 years to cut her out. I did it at 25 and never looked back. It's not the only family member I have turned my back on, but I believe in honesty and don't have time for the drama and games. There is guilt. Only you can decide when enough is enough.

And I only send certified letters when I want legal proof someone received my correspondence, so I have to ask "What the f@#$?" (sorry).

[Biciclista]

yeah, don't stress about that letter. If she wants you to read it; let her send it to you regular mail. Life is much too short. What Cat and Knot said.
I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother as well. Now her husband is dying and it's like dancing on a melting dance floor while holding little glasses of champagne in one hand. It's really really tough. But you do have to take care of YOU first.
To thine own self be true. What's the point of missing work to get a letter that's just going to make you feel worse?

[Tuckervill]

I have boundary issues with my mother. As in, I have to set them or she manipulates me and punishes me for having a normal loving relationship with my father (they've been divorced for 27 years!).

When we have a conflict, I have to constantly implore her to stay on topic, instead of talking about how we're talking about the topic. Over the years I've learned to boil it down to the "issue" at hand, and cut off the conversation when the boundary is crossed. She doesn't learn very fast. I have to reset the boundary over and over. I try to do it politely, but sometimes I have to hang up on her or leave her house. I try not to leave in a huff, and tell her I love her before I go.

If my mother sent me letters explaining one of "our issues" to me, along with all the meta-discussion and accusations, I would try really hard to see through it to what the issue is. I'd do this because I love my mother, even though our relationship is difficult, and I want to go to my grave with a clear conscience. I would accept a certified letter, because if there was something she really wanted to tell me and she couldn't do it in person for whatever reason, I'd want to know what it is. If it was just a general rant about the same old stuff, I wouldn't get the next one. To be fair, I'd tell her face-to-face that I wouldn't be getting the next one.

Looks like you're on letter #3 that you have chosen not to engage her with, so it would be nice of you to tell her that you're not going to get the letter, and tell her what she could do to get her message across. I don't think it's fair that you didn't acknowledge the second letter and just shredded it. Even if the response is "Mom, I have no response to that."

It's stories like this that I hope are keeping me from being a crazy mom, too. Even though I too have had serious depression, I hope my kids never feel the need to cut me off.

Karen