Moms, childhood issues, and certified letters

[shootingstar]

Shootingstar, sorry to bust your bubble, but love is not "just reality". My mother and I have not spoken in something like 7 years, she's been 90% or more out of my life since I was 12. I'm almost certain there is some undiagnosed mental issues playing into this on her part, but she's never sought help, so I can't work within those parameters. I don't love her; I don't even know her. My only emotional attachments to her are the scars and issues she left me with. My dog, my father, my stepmother sure, I love them, but not someone that I haven't seen or heard from in 7+ years and who did a darn good job of screwing up my life and emotional well being before then.

It's not a given, and a lot of what will determine bmc's decision is how far down that road of un-attachment she is and whether or not she wants to be there.

I tried for quite a few years before realizing that I could continue trying to love my mother despite everything or be a stable, sane person and that those two objectives were unfortunately mutually exclusive. Most of those years of trying were more out of feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I didn't love my mother than out of love in the end; though I didn't see that at the time.

Sorry to hear this Martiandestiny.

We literally have a minimal language base with our mother..meaning we have lost so much Chinese fluency that it can be difficult to communicate complicated issues and feelings ...by phone or in person. However it has taken several years to figure out what expressions of love works between her and each of us.

She phoned me a few weeks ago to wish me happy birthday. She said this in English to me..because we never learned what the Chinese version. I thanked her but said in such a way..was to thank her..for bringing me into this world. I really meant what I felt and said. And I really think she did phone me to wish me well.

So very simple words can have big, deep meanings in some family conversations.

[Selkie]

B - It sounds like your mom has had a long term, serious mental health issue (my mom suffered w/one her entire adulthood so I understand the road you've been down and what you're facing now...). This isn't a communication issue and you have absolutely no obligation to accept the letter, let alone read it. I agree with Knott and Cat---you have to do what's right for you first and foremost. Your well being is the most important thing. Trust your instincts about this.

[Flybye]

Here might be a possibility.

1. Tell her that you aren't going to play the games. You will let the letter be returned to her. If she would like to mail it back to you regular mail, then you will open it. You will open it only under the following condition: that she ASK you directly the question that is in the letter before you open it. Then you will be allowed a full week to consider your answer. If the question in the letter is different than the question she gives you over the phone, then you will have the option of doing ______ . (Whatever you feel necessary). (Might be sending the letter to her therapist).
2. You will not accept letters from her in the future. They will be unopened whether sent registered mail or regular mail.

As for sending the letters to her therapist, there is the possibility that she worked with her therapist to write the letters.

Sorry

[TrekTheKaty]

I also have a difficult family dynamic. My stepmother (who raised me) is "nuts." Both myself, my half-sister and her three other children have "divorced" her. We don't answer phone calls or letters. It's for my own mental health. She is mentally abusive. She has spent her whole life making everyone around her miserable, so I no longer care about her feelings. It's the best thing. It took my half-sister almost 50 years to cut her out. I did it at 25 and never looked back. It's not the only family member I have turned my back on, but I believe in honesty and don't have time for the drama and games. There is guilt. Only you can decide when enough is enough.

And I only send certified letters when I want legal proof someone received my correspondence, so I have to ask "What the f@#$?" (sorry).

[Biciclista]

yeah, don't stress about that letter. If she wants you to read it; let her send it to you regular mail. Life is much too short. What Cat and Knot said.
I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother as well. Now her husband is dying and it's like dancing on a melting dance floor while holding little glasses of champagne in one hand. It's really really tough. But you do have to take care of YOU first.
To thine own self be true. What's the point of missing work to get a letter that's just going to make you feel worse?

[Tuckervill]

I have boundary issues with my mother. As in, I have to set them or she manipulates me and punishes me for having a normal loving relationship with my father (they've been divorced for 27 years!).

When we have a conflict, I have to constantly implore her to stay on topic, instead of talking about how we're talking about the topic. Over the years I've learned to boil it down to the "issue" at hand, and cut off the conversation when the boundary is crossed. She doesn't learn very fast. I have to reset the boundary over and over. I try to do it politely, but sometimes I have to hang up on her or leave her house. I try not to leave in a huff, and tell her I love her before I go.

If my mother sent me letters explaining one of "our issues" to me, along with all the meta-discussion and accusations, I would try really hard to see through it to what the issue is. I'd do this because I love my mother, even though our relationship is difficult, and I want to go to my grave with a clear conscience. I would accept a certified letter, because if there was something she really wanted to tell me and she couldn't do it in person for whatever reason, I'd want to know what it is. If it was just a general rant about the same old stuff, I wouldn't get the next one. To be fair, I'd tell her face-to-face that I wouldn't be getting the next one.

Looks like you're on letter #3 that you have chosen not to engage her with, so it would be nice of you to tell her that you're not going to get the letter, and tell her what she could do to get her message across. I don't think it's fair that you didn't acknowledge the second letter and just shredded it. Even if the response is "Mom, I have no response to that."

It's stories like this that I hope are keeping me from being a crazy mom, too. Even though I too have had serious depression, I hope my kids never feel the need to cut me off.

Karen