Bicycle dates

[Trek420]

Neglect is still pretty bad. I'm so sorry you are haveing a hard time, the professions are so hard to balance your life. Is there a Doctor in the house? Are there ways to find a balance? And does he see it as an issue? That's so important that he buys into working on it I think...not that I know anything about relationships ;-)

And what Grog sed. I have to believe it's possible to find true, respectful, caring companionship, at any age, or re-kindle it..I better. :::skips off to make a note to self, might not want to date a doctor::::

What made you fall in love with him in the foist place? That still there?

[Irulan]

I know lots of medical professionals,and most of them do not have balance. It's a passion, a calling, a drive. I asked one ( a busy surgeon) about working less when he was complaining about the crazy hours... and the reply was that he didn't want to sacrifice any of the $$ to bringing another doc into the practice. So there are tradeoffs, I suppose. I know a few that only work 3/4/5 days a week but it's been a conscious choice to take control of their work and personal life.

(warning, major generalizations here)
I think as women we need to look at why we have a tendency to choose partners that aren't really available... whether they work too much, drink too much, play too much, afraid of intimacy or whatever. It's really hard to look at one self, and the part we play in our own choices, but if it's done sucessfully, looking at the roots of things within, it can be transformational in terms of getting what you really want out of life and relationships. Having a partner that is willing to look at thier half of the equation helps, though.

[tatormc]

Yasmin - I'm not really sure what to say but just don't give up. I've been married 4 years and it's not always easy. But my hubby is the perfect person for me and we have our hard times and work through them. I'm a person who does not believe in divorce and am very saddened that it happens so often. I will be praying for you and your husband.

[doc]

Yasmin,
The current theory that is generally accepted by the majority of marriage counselors is called Imago Therapy. I recommend the book by Harlin Hendricks, the inventor of imago. It's a little weird at first. But after you read the book, I suggest you try to find a therapist with imago training. You can find it online. It seems like your husband does not have time for weekly sessions. There is also something called imago weekends. You get intensive therapy over the course of 2 days. I have heard it is very good. I would imagine weekly therapy is better but I'm sure he gets a wekkend off once in a while!
It is a very positive approach to marriage issues. No bashing or badmouthing allowed. It hinges on improving communication and "getting the love you need" which I think is the title of the book.
Good luck.

[Trekhawk]

Yasmin - Im sending hugs your way.

COMMUNICATION is the key to all relationships. In a perfect world we would all get to spend as much time as we wanted with our partners and family but in the real world this is not always possible. Quality time not quantity is what is important and trust me I know. My husband is a pilot in the military and away a lot, last year he went to the gulf for six months which was hard not only on me but on our children. We maintained email contact when we could and voiced any feeling we were having. Sometimes your partner may not be aware that there is even a problem they get so caught up in the pressures of work and if you dont communicate well they assume if nothing is said everything is fine.

Anyway I know each relationship is different but try to sit your husband down and tell him how you are feeling. Discuss what you and he want out of the relationship and remember that no marriage or relationship is perfect it is something that takes a lot of work and nuturing (from both sides) if you want it to blossom.

Thinking of you.
Leslie

[bikerchick68]

Aw, Yasmin... I've been in your shoes... and I know how it hurts. I'm one of those people who got married with all the hopes and dreams of what could be... and yet it fell apart. I didn't believe in divorce either. When my marriage began to crumble, the ex and I went to counseling for months... but the reality is BOTH people have to want the marriage to succeed. If either lacks the commitment to make it work, then unfortunately the healthiest thing to do is end the marriage. Believe me, that's no easy decision. I stayed in an unhealthy marriage longer than I should have, because, 1) I didn't want to "give up", 2) I didn't want to fail and 3) I was scared, really scared to be alone again. In the end, even the counselor said we were trying to do CPR on a dead marriage. My ex was no longer committed to the relationship and really wasn't willing to be bothered even trying to recapture what brought us together in the first place. My ex is not a surgeon, but his work got in the way too. It and his friends were higher priority than his relationship with me...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you've exhausted all resources for keeping it healthy, sometimes you have to make the healthiest choice for yourself not for the relationship.

I really hope you and your husband will be able to renew the marriage... hugs... gawd, I hurt for you too... hugs from me too...

[Trek420]

Also reflect that 'tis the season, around now the world seems full of happy families and couples and we all expect that. Especially if you're single or in a relationship that is struggeling, the holidays can be tough.

So I raise a glass of eggnog, or maybe cyteomax and (((hugs and a toast))) to all TE gals whether with/or without a SO/DH/DP.

Yasmin, I'm not saying that your pain isn't real, far from it. Reflecting that around now stuff sorta amplifies.

Be good to yourselves, it'll be Spring before long

[Yasmin]

Thanks girls. I'm really touched by the care & advise that you all show. Last night DH & I had another talk. He does see there are problems, that we've grown apart. We went to a marriage councellor last week but won't be going again. The psychologist could see that we still had genuine feelings for each other but you're right Doc, he doesn't really have the time to attend sessions. Thanks for the book idea. I've downloaded the details. If we're not too far gone it may help. You're right too Irulan...I can see why I pick people who are unavailable. Dad left when I was 2 1/2 & mum had a mental illness (schizophrenia). Reads like a bad novel, doesn't it? Anyway, I can fit the pieces together & it makes sense. I've been working on myself for decades & thought I'd resolved most of the issues. There's always something going on in life, isn't there? Oh for the simplicity in life.
Your caring is invaluable to me. It's so nice to be able to open up here. It does feel a bit weird putting my life in print like this...I sense that DH wouldn't approve. I don't have any close "girl friends", so I really appreciate all of you.

[Selkie]

Marriage is hard work. I've been married for 17 years (to the same guy), and we've had our share of ups and downs. We get on each other's nerves at times, but when all is said and done, we know we're there for each other. Yas, my husband is very dedicated to his job and some of his assignments have required him to work long hours, including weekends. There have been many times when I felt like I was low on his list of priorities. I guess you just have to have faith that although your husband's work is very important to him and takes a lot of his time, he loves you. It sounds like your marriage means a lot to both of you, so it almost certainly will be worth working on/making compromises/sticking it out. It is hard but in my experience, worth it. Try to have faith and have reasonable expectation. I've come to the realization that I won't change my husband, so I decided to accept it and be responsible for making sure I was content. In other words, I do my own thing when he's at work or brooding about work, etc. Sounds like you are finding ways to enjoy yourself, too (cycling). You can have a decent marriage and still have your own life/interests. There are things that, for me, are relationship breakers---infidelity, abuse, bad habits (drinking, drugs, gambling, etc), controlling---and I know I was lucky to find a guy whose bad points (dedication to work & obsession with U of MD football) are minor in the grand scheme of things. He's loyal, he loves me, he's got good character & ethics, and he lets me buy bikes! Believe me, after a few more years of being married, you'll savor your "private time" when he's off at work!! There are Saturdays when I say "don't you have to go into the office?" haha

[Irulan]

Yasmin,
The current theory that is generally accepted by the majority of marriage counselors is called Imago Therapy. I recommend the book by Harlin Hendricks, the inventor of imago. It's a little weird at first. But after you read the book, I suggest you try to find a therapist with imago training. You can find it online. It seems like your husband does not have time for weekly sessions. There is also something called imago weekends. You get intensive therapy over the course of 2 days. I have heard it is very good. I would imagine weekly therapy is better but I'm sure he gets a wekkend off once in a while!
It is a very positive approach to marriage issues. No bashing or badmouthing allowed. It hinges on improving communication and "getting the love you need" which I think is the title of the book.
Good luck.

Imago counseling saved my marriage, only we didn't know it was called that!
"getting the love you want (need?)" was required reading, as was following certain scripts to teach us new ways of relating. It was some of the toughest things we've ever done together ( intense marriage work, both partners) , but we both beleive we have our dream marriage now. I'm of the belief that any marriage worth saving is worth making time for the hard work.

irulan