Dear So and So

[channlluv]

thanks... I feel some better now that we're both HOME and I've been able to tell him what's been upsetting me for the past three weeks...

but the bottom line is we need to define where the boundaries are with our parents, which is not easy when they're in poor health and honestly may not live that much longer. I don't know what the solution is.

How do you balance your marriages with the needs of your extended families - especially when there's a long physical distance? Anyone have any tips?

I've recently been through this with my grandparents, mother, and aunts. As the oldest granddaughter, I'm sometimes called on to "sub" for the primary care provider when I can get back home (I live on the opposite side of the continent, but last year I visited five times, including six full weeks during the summer).

About two years ago, my grandparents were forced to move in with my mother (their oldest) because they could no longer care for themselves. They'd tried - they have a small condo of their own - but my mother and my aunt who live nearby were getting worn out carrying meals to them several times per week, and being called on every time they had a doctor visit or whatever. Granddaddy wasn't driving anymore, and it wasn't safe for Grandma, either. Granddaddy started falling a lot, so they moved in with my mother, a former nurse, and her elderly husband. So she had three elderly people to care for, and she wasn't in the best health herself.

That lasted a few months before she just couldn't handle all three of them anymore, so they moved to my aunt's house with her husband. Now, they both work full time from home, and have to travel frequently, and they had a lot of blame for my mother for not being able to manage the parents since she doesn't work at all. They did their best to care for both of them, but it began to be a huge strain on their marriage, so much so that my uncle became mean to my grandparents (although he didn't see it that way, but my grandmother did - Granddaddy was too out of it by then to notice anything). I said to my mother that caretaker aunt should not have to choose between her parents and her husband.

It was getting really, really ugly between my aunt and my mother, and my other aunt, who lives on the other side of the state and had kind of relinquished any decision making or physical contributions to the care of her parents, although she did come to visit and give my caretaking aunt and her husband a break every now and then, but there was so much bad blood between them at that point, she didn't feel welcome in their house at all.

Granddaddy was falling more, so Grandma finally relented and allowed the daughters to put him into a nursing home. She'd fought it up to then because she felt like she was failing in her marriage vows - love, honor, cherish 'til death and all that.

Grandma moved back in with my mother immediately after that, and then started the weekly commute to visit him in the nursing home, which was about 45 minutes away.

This went on for five months, until he succumbed to pneumonia and was moved to the hospital where they discovered that he had cancer and was moved to hospice. He passed away a week ago Wednesday.

Caretaker aunt still had so much anger in her that she wouldn't speak to faraway aunt without seething, and finally exploded at her in front of me.

I've always been the mediator type, but I couldn't calm her down. I tried. Faraway aunt left caretaker aunt's house upset, and I stood there and let her and her husband vent. And boy, did they need to vent.

I listened. I heard them. I took some of what they had to say back to the other family members, and faraway aunt saw how much it upset me to have them all fighting so much, and she made the effort to go see caretaker aunt and try to talk things out. They were able to start working through years of bad feelings on the part of caretaker aunt. Faraway aunt is much more zen about everything, doesn't hold grudges or anger or get upset about much.

Of course, there's a lot more to the story, but I share this because I've seen how caring for elderly parents can tear at a marriage, and how not dealing with the stresses of it can tear at an extended family. I don't know if my aunts will ever really care about each other again.

You should not have to choose between your parents at your husband. They are your family by birth. He is your family by choice. You chose him. He chose you.

It would have been better if my grandparents had gone to a nursing home where they could live together from the beginning, in the care of trained professionals, as soon as they could not care for themselves. As heartless as that may sound, as uncaring, it would have been better for all of my family if they had made that choice instead of trying to live with their daughters and their husbands. Unless you're trained in geriatric care, having your parents at home when they need more than just having meals prepared or a ride now and then is just too much of a hardship, especially if you have your own children who need you and your own careers to think about.

Not all families may go through what mine did, but Oakleaf, if there's any question at all of losing the man you love, and who loves you, I can't imagine your parents would want that. find the best situation for both sets of parents that you can, then choose love.

Good luck to you all.

Roxy
Roxy