Help! My ex BF bought me Christmas gifts!

[arielmoon]

It's my apartment. I have lived there for over 4 years. He needs to go!

[indysteel]

I think you know what you need to do, your finances notwithstanding.....

But to spell it out: Get a new roommate if you have to, but tell him he needs to leave. Give him a firm date by which he needs to do that. Do not negotiate. This is his problem to solve.

I would also suggest that you refuse the gifts. I know that may sound harsh, but drawing boundaries for people who refuse to draw their own is usually difficult. IME, you sometimes have to make a point of drawing them or they otherwise just don't get it. In my further experience, what you do matters a lot more than what you say with this type of person.

I have a friend (well, now former friend) who has gotten back together with someone no less than six times over the course of their relationship. Each time, he ups the ante of what he'll do in order to get her back. It's such an unhealthy dynamic, in part because she refuses to see how manipulative he is. From my perspective, your ex's gifts to you were not "thoughtful;" they were manipulative. The sooner you see your ex's actions through that lens, the sooner you'll be able to make the break yourself. Of course, that's just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

Good luck.

[arielmoon]

I think you know what you need to do, your finances notwithstanding.....

But to spell it out: Get a new roommate if you have to, but tell him he needs to leave. Give him a firm date by which he needs to do that. Do not negotiate. This is his problem to solve.

I would also suggest that you refuse the gifts. I know that may sound harsh, but drawing boundaries for people who refuse to draw their own is usually difficult. IME, you sometimes have to make a point of drawing them or they otherwise just don't get it. In my further experience, what you do matters a lot more than what you say with this type of person.

I have a friend (well, now former friend) who has gotten back together with someone no less than six times over the course of their relationship. Each time, he ups the ante of what he'll do in order to get her back. It's such an unhealthy dynamic, in part because she refuses to see how manipulative he is. From my perspective, your ex's gifts to you were not "thoughtful;" they were manipulative. The sooner you see your ex's actions through that lens, the sooner you'll be able to make the break yourself. Of course, that's just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

Good luck.

Yes! That is exactly how I feel. It is manipulative. That is one reason that I refused to buy him anything.

[Irulan]

Give him a deadline to be out. If he's not out by that date, have a back up plan with your landlord to a) change the lock and b) put all his junk out on the street. Then, do it.

[kermit]

He is obviously having trouble letting you go. A deadline is a must, and hold him to it. The gifts are just another way of keeping you close. Return them, regift them, put them on ebay it's up to you. He obviously does not want to be just roommates!

[lph]

Um. I have huge trouble refusing gifts because it is so ingrained in me that gifts are to be accepted and thanked for. But I agree, in this setting it is manipulative. He may not consciously know that that is what he's doing, but he is somehow trying to make you "soften up". If you want to be gentle, you could choose one gift, for example the collage, and say you'd like to keep it because it was thoughtful and reminds you of the good times you had (or whatever). But the others - if you can bear it - return them, just saying that you can't accept them because you are no longer a couple and it feels wrong to you. Don't go on about how wrong he is, stick to expressing your own feelings. Dare to be the "bad guy". Someone has to, in a break-up.

[shootingstar]

Choosing to keep 1 small gift and giving back the rest would make it easier for both of you.

In fact, it would be best if you could get back to home sooner than he, so that you could "help" him pack some stuff or whatever. So that he understands how serious it is for him to make a life change. It is a life change for him.

While he is manipulative of finding ways to stick around, also think he is finding not easy to move on. But now, your influence so far, is not helping the situation.

So have to modify your actions.

Best of luck. Just hoping your start of 2010 won't be too painful.