Hi Bacarver.
Normally I don't comment on threads regarding kids, as I am happily childless. But, I wanted to tell you, that I work with someone who did therapeutic foster care for a number of years. He has told me that the childrens' birth families are usually a mess, with a lot of substance abuse. He maintains that prenatal drug/alcohol abuse can not only damage the fetus, but can cause damage to eggs and sperm. His point is, by the time one gets these children the damage has already been done, and sometimes nothing can fix it.

I will ask him the next time I see him if there are any support groups out there, or if he has any books to recommend. I do feel qualified to tell you to stop blaming yourself, sometimes even our best efforts result in bad outcomes.