Any other unhappy-ending adoptive parents out there?

[cylegoddess]

I myself, was considered a problem child( premie), up til the day that I found out that I had non diagnosed ADD from blue baby syndrome. It was heartbreaking as I blamed for things I had no control over( focus) etc, and despair spiraled me into a eating disorder, and worse. No one knew and my parents still dont know to this day, the cruelty that I have been thru.
I figure, they did their best, even though the best wasn't so good.
You, have tried. And like myself, are haunted. And might be for a while.
Time is a great healer, but sometimes there isnt enough time.
Perhaps you might do some hatha yoga.This is the very best thing I found for emotional hurt and upsets. It has been done for 1000s of years to calm the emotions and I find it helps let them out too.
You are a special and caring person. You have done a brave and good thing. Im sorry it hurt you. You are your own Lance Armstrong in some ways, you know? No hill or endurance will hurt as much as perhaps you still do. Use it, the pain is a tool. Exceed your limits. It helps. xxo Kerry

[OakLeaf]

(((((Barb)))))

I don't have a lot to add but a hearty +1 to what Trek said. I'm so sorry that things turned out so badly for your family, and so grateful to you for taking your children in.

When you say you've tried "everything," have you tried EMDR? It's one of the modalities that's supposed to be very effective on the kind of post-traumatic reaction you're describing. "Therapy" is as broad a term as "medicine" - it encompasses a lot of modalities and specialties, and I would really encourage you to try again. I do know how difficult that is in a rural area, but I would think you could find a broad range within a reasonable drive, and that at this point a drive would be worth it.

I hope you find a way to soothe your heart, and sooner than later.

[Crankin]

I hope I didn't sound too "flip" when I mentioned counseling. Trauma work is very difficult, so if you go this route, make sure to find someone who is experienced/a specialist in trauma. I know this sounds weird, but sometimes you can get a good referral for a therapist who specializes in trauma from a rape crisis center.
Please let us know how things are going.

[Trek420]

I forgot to have children (luckily Knott remembered) so I can't speak to what it is like to raise a very young child.

All I know is that parenting is the hardest job of all, teaching would be the second hardest I think.

If you want to have a family and all the parts work, lucky you! If not I can understand the desire to have ones own child, your genetic material, your eyes, his smile ... but every time I read of some new technology, new heroic measures to combat infertility all I can think of is somewhere a kid seeing the same news thinking "now I will never have a family". Even with your quality genetic material do we ever know what you're gonna get in a child?

Surprise totally different personality type. Maybe better than you

I personally know a few families with adopted kids who are very happy as far as I know. One of my Aikido instructors adopted their daughter from China. Things are working out well. They have created a lot of community/support with other local families who adopted whether in the good ol' USA or internationally at around the same time. Lots of support.

Growing up our next door (well through the field, through the orchard and past their barn) adopted three kids. I think the kids knew they were adopted. I don't know what happened to them over time. Hey, maybe I'll look them up in Facebook but as playmates and neighbors they were fine.

In the late 70's I cooked at a cafe on Piedmont Ave Oakland, one of our cooks was adopted, sort of. As a child his parents were not interested in parenting. They had other priorities whatever those were.

So they simply dropped him off with their lesbian neighbors in the apartment building. Then they left. This would have been in the '50's. The women raised him with what legal protections they could (which at the time would be none). As far as he was concerned they are his parents.

I recall he expressed no interest in finding the couple who could not be bothered with raising him.

He was, probably still is a great guy, a fun and competent coworker, very very straight and an excellent chef ....

[bacarver]

Hi TE -

Thanks for giving me ideas to ponder. I would very much like to locate an internet support group or individuals willing to e-mail/write who have been through this loss. I did search a few years ago and hit dead ends. The support out there was for those wanting to foster/adopt. The failures were ignored/set aside because they don't promote child placement. I will try again to see if I can find something.
My past experiences with outpatient counseling have been less than satisfactory. I am hesitant to go back in for more.
EMDR is probably my best option.
I find it hard to overcome the "it's not my fault" belief.

Barb

[papaver]

bacarver, this may sound a little weird but... if there aren't any support groups, why not start one of your own? Try to find a psychologist or a counselor or another professional, maybe people from adoption agencies to back you up. It has to start somewhere.

[shootingstar]

bacarver, this may sound a little weird but... if there aren't any support groups, why not start one of your own? Try to find a psychologist or a counselor or another professional, maybe people from adoption agencies to back you up. It has to start somewhere.

Was just thinking of this too. At some point in time, not necessarily right away. Maybe after gathering more strength and with a professional counsellor or 2 to support/coordinate.

Gut feeling tells me...this a whole area of research that needs attention but that can't even begin until professional counsellors are pulled in to speak /talk with folks like bacarver.

Bacarver has much to offer..at some point later.

Hoping for a smoother road for you, bacarver. This is an article of related interest: http://muskie.usm.maine.edu/helpkids...uma-foster.pdf

As an option for : is to contact a university/college where the instructor specializes in teaching /research in areas related to your problem. These people would have a network of professional colleagues and knowledge of credible support groups across the U.S.

[malkin]

Some of the pain you seem to express seems like it would be similar to that of natural parents who are estranged from their children for whatever reason.

It's a sad and painful story.

[Trek420]

Some of the pain you seem to express seems like it would be similar to that of natural parents who are estranged from their children for whatever reason.

It's a sad and painful story.

+1. I don't think this is unique to adoptive parents which makes me wonder if there is a group out there for this situation generally.

If not, there needs to be someday as parents need a lot of support.

[channlluv]

I don't know what EMDR is. I hope it's helpful to you, though.

Have you journaled your feelings? Keep in mind that I'm a writer, but this sounds like it would be a really helpful book for others in your situation, reading about how you've dealt with the situation and your feelings. I'm looking forward to when you've found a good therapy, whatever that may be, and are able to move on in that healthy direction you mentioned earlier.

Just a thought. I do wish you well, whatever direction you take in healing.

Roxy

[tc1]

Hi Bacarver.
Normally I don't comment on threads regarding kids, as I am happily childless. But, I wanted to tell you, that I work with someone who did therapeutic foster care for a number of years. He has told me that the childrens' birth families are usually a mess, with a lot of substance abuse. He maintains that prenatal drug/alcohol abuse can not only damage the fetus, but can cause damage to eggs and sperm. His point is, by the time one gets these children the damage has already been done, and sometimes nothing can fix it.

I will ask him the next time I see him if there are any support groups out there, or if he has any books to recommend. I do feel qualified to tell you to stop blaming yourself, sometimes even our best efforts result in bad outcomes.

[Onix]

((((Barb))))))

Have you received any therapy for these issues in the past?

I can only imagine how traumatic and difficult that must have been on your family. I have spent many years working at a children's shelter and working with kids and families in really really difficult situations.

I will look up some resources for you to see if I can find anything to help out. I am in social work graduate school at the moment and have a few professors who work a lot with adoption. I am sure that they have resources regarding this type of challenge.

Best of luck.

[Tuckervill]

As someone has said, it's not uncommon for the relationships of biological parent/child to disintegrate, as well, or never even get started very well. Disabuse yourself of any notions that you somehow failed these kids or that biological parents automatically have it all together.

Add in fetal alcohol syndrome--you were probably doomed from the start.

There's a Christian writer/speaker, Beth Moore, who writes very eloquently about having to give up an adopted child after 11 years (I think). You might look her up.

My brother-in-law had to give up a pair of siblings (not yet adopted, but they lived there for 5 years) because one of the children was a danger to the family. Keeping them would have meant certain molestation of their little girl, at a minimum, so there's a line to be drawn.

A close friend put up with 23 years of hell from her adopted child with FAS. Horrible, indescribable torturous life for the entire family, and it goes on, even as they are finally estranged. The family is still a target of this man's delusions, even after he was given a wonderful wonderful life, under the circumstances. Because of the FAS, he is completely incapable of moderating his impulses, and unfortunately he is a danger to others but the family is basically in hiding from him. It is so bad that when the father passed away suddenly, his will stated the son was not to be told until after the funeral, and then through a third party. All because of FAS. It was very difficult for the parents to let go and not feel guilty about it (still an ongoing process for the mother), but they were heroes in my book.

The person to blame is the biological mother who drank through the pregnancy, and that's a road that goes backwards forever, and there's no point in looking back. Just don't blame yourself. YOU are not a miracle worker. YOU did what you could. Find a way to release yourself. You deserve it.

Karen

[shootingstar]

As someone has said, it's not uncommon for the relationships of biological parent/child to disintegrate, as well, or never even get started very well. Disabuse yourself of any notions that you somehow failed these kids or that biological parents automatically have it all together.

Well said, Tuckerville especially when bacarver tried hard.

And alot of families with natural children if one looks at a whole family tree, there is at least 1 (or more) somewhat dysfunctional family relationship(s) that could be improved or person that needs help. But person can't/doesn't want to change.

[salsabike]

Barb, I have emailed the friend I mentioned and will let you know what I hear.